Toaster Food

You make me uncomfortable. Something bothering you today, Vince? Joel asked. I'll meet you there. He saved his work, which felt like sealing a fate he was unsure of, and stood up to go. We're almost there, Sarah said. He had faced his fears, defended his project, and sought solutions to the problems at hand. I just wanted--. How well can you ever know someone? asked Vincent. Maybe they were interesting to her, Tim suggested. The evening air was warm and fi lled with the soft sounds of chirping crickets and distant animal calls. Alec Rea vibrated with unexpressed excitement at the challenge and opportunity ahead of them. How long have you been working on this? He ignored her question, returning his own, What brings you by? She straightened, turning away from the table. A cloud of smoke oozed out, filling the room. Paint, streaked, spattered, and smeared, covered the area, forming a second canvas whose surface never felt the touch of a brush, but only waited for the afterthought of a dropped tube of paint or the fall from the end of a brush held too long in thought. Veronica ran down the stair's behind her, rattling the pictures which hung on delicate nails. Her next breath brought water, and she was conscious of the pollution of the river and the blood which flowed into her mouth. She's going to stay with Sarah and Joel until school starts in the fall. But how could he prove himself when his own imposter syndrome seemed to have teamed up with anxiety, forming a tag team of sel f-doubt? As he reached his apartment building, Alex's thoughts shifted to his neighbor, Mrs. He studied the parking lot through the small fish eye lens waiting until it was safe. Getting an early start on the festivities, guys? Joel asked. North and South Carolina were well behind them and Vincent was anxious to be home when his exit first came into view. Behind him, receding with each revolution of the axle, each upward and downward beat of the pistons, was his daughter, waiting for the summer to end and her father to return. There was virtually no cabinet or counter space, but Vince could see a few soiled dishes in the sink, a microwave, and a coffee maker. Frustrated, he walked away, leaving the drawer slightly cracked. Sarah, her brow furrowed in concentration, spoke up. He still had no real concept of what he was going to say. This is our child, and I'm scared. What? It's over. Vincent's speed saved him the inconvenience of having to stop for the child who came running into the street. Um, Vincent began, uncertain, embarrassed, we were looking for somewhere to eat. It would be easy if Tim had any family or any other very close friends, but Tim managed to sever all ties to his remaining family years ago, and Vincent knew of no one other than himself that Tim remained in contact with when he left for the west coast. He took a bottle in each hand, removing them from the refrigerator and closing the door with a push from his right foot. But you have made Veronica's well-being my business, and after last night I feel even more obligated to tell you what I think about the way you are treating her. Who would be punishing her? And for what? Of course she's not being punished. You don't really see it like that, do you? Joel asked. A stone keep in the distance, a naked man was being dragged by another man, also unclothed, who rode in a chariot. He released her, and she fell back onto the bed, the white pillow bulging from behind to engulf her small skull. He recognized this as an enigma that would not soon go away. She could be unemployed for weeks. He reached the car in an irritable mood and kept his mouth closed to prevent Sarah and the children from noticing. I tried to wake you for the last fifteen minutes of the drive, but you wouldn't budge, so I thought I'd bring you back here so we could talk about the best place for you to stay. They're hipsters. Yes, he said, exasperated. Even if he is a prick. She had tossed the words over and over in her mind, but once parted from the small portion of active thought they were gone, sounding more like footsteps behind her than ideas. He settled into his ergonomic chair, surrounded by monitors and glowing screens. I dropped my daughter off. I knew she was dead. I could die here, Vincent thought. It sounds to me that the answer is really important to you, and you said the two of you weren't close. I'm her father, Amy, he said. He pushed with both both legs, letting an animal howl pierce the woods. Bye, she said. As he reached the bottom stair, a vague rumble - like that of a poorly tuned car - penetrated the silence of his home. Alex's heart sank. He could only listen, breath baited. These are all different sizes. In that moment, with a sense of camaraderie and connection that transcended the workplace, they shared a tender and unexpected kiss. My wife is dead. Fehr's death was a tragic accident, said Stacy, beginning to feel as if she were treading on sacred ground, and as hard as it is for adults to accept, it's far more difficult for Veronica. The inner door was locked, the badge reader glowed red on the wall beside the handle. Where are we? she asked. Karen even kept a small notebook in which she made notes as she read, but this too was indecipherable to Vincent; it occasionally contained questions to herself, or lines copied from the original text, none of which made sense to Vincent. Rachel Arthur left, the sounds of the door again indicating her departure. With this the argument was ended. Don't run too fast. You didn't mention a daughter. The road flattened and became hopelessly straight. Sarah's voice sounded cracked, on the verge of sobs, but her face, doubled against the window's glass, was placid. The man, clearly startled, leaped up and chased the seagull in a comical, zigzagging pursuit. If this is your type of music you'll love it. It's an indescribable feeling. She put her hands by her side, then suddenly crossed her arms again. Vincent clenched his fists and turned away from his wife's unfinished painting. It's simultaneous. Odds were that Vincent Fehr would live past the age of seventy, giving time more than forty years to water down his love, to dilute it into forgetfulness and tired remembrances. Thanks, said Christine. He eased the car forward, the left wheel sinking into a plate-sized pot hole, and though the car's shocks absorbed most of the minor jar, enough force was created to cause the scanner on his digital radio to begin it's endless search for the next station. ] [twelve] A small knot tightened in Amy Ware's stomach, beginning to control her, take her thoughts away from the task she faced. Unable to find release, Vincent's demeanor remained this way for the balance of the weekend. Is plastic OK? the checkout girl said. I can't go back in time. We can rest for a little here, but we'll be able to see the waterfall soon. Instead, the sat, flipping through channels for some distraction. This is still the suburbs, and people who live out here think public transportation attracts the wrong type of crowd. He could make it to the store and back before the meat cools. He took the plate full of grated mozzarella from the table to the counter; there he spread it across the surface of the pizza crust watching as it stuck to the thick red paste. Yet, Vincent countered. He had neglected to set the alarm last night. The day of the reunion finally arrived. It couldn't have been that long. The FedEx guy– Mark suggested. Vincent's way seemed too much like playing the odds. A separate wallpaper denoted this room's singular function, Vincent marked the entrance at the double doors with hesitation. So you came back to have a more fulfilling personal life? No, Timothy answered. In these very early stages, the conversation moved in the wrong direction. He had hoped for a few moments to compose his thoughts, but she answered on the first ring, leaving Vincent at a loss for words. Vincent stood among the children, Joel at his back, and Sarah, down the sloping yard, strained to retrieve a Frisbee from a tall bush. Vincent led him into the kitchen. He knew that he would still be unable to sleep until much later, but gone was the caged feeling he had experienced before. He turned from the baby sitter and entered his home. He was an intimidating man, wrinkles that belied his middle age, black hair littered with unhealthy patches of yellowed gray, and a nose bursting with crimson. They are, but were not in Atlanta, he countered. Joel deliberately slowed his pace, hoping Vincent would follow suit. Something with money, I think Sarah said. He shifted the car into drive, having backed from his spot in front of Timothy's building, and, as the car moved forward, Vincent noticed Tim in his rear view mirror. I'm not hungry. I find that once I need stimulants, at that point in the day, it's time for me to re-engage. I wouldn't know the first thing about money. Veronica's eyes moistened with tears. For what, he did not know. Downstairs. You're a leader. You don't even realize that you're toying with her emotions. I still have seven hours of work. How long have you been working on this thing? That one has been up for about three days. It was a blur of ill-defined streaks and splotches, the artist intentionally defiling his own color scheme with a torrid oval of fluorescent pink just off center. Of course, Mr. Fatherly, he touched her still hair, pulling it away from her pale cheek. They might still have pretty good food. His silent wife behind him, he creaked open the door to their bedroom, the reddish glow of a night light illuminating the hallway. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten her, though, and arriving at his house, her waking up in the driveway not sure of her whereabouts. With the child next to him, Vincent grew tired, relaxed, and came near to falling asleep, but Veronica's breathing steadied into the even flow of sleep and Vincent found himself alert once more. How was your cartoon, honey? asked Karen. Alex smiled, feeling a genuine sense of gratitude for her invitation. It has been very difficult for both of us since your mother died. He was out of breath. He held the unfamiliar child, and felt his loss, but not hers. Ground level windows let in a small amount of light, but the gray walls were only illuminated by stark overhead flouresent lights. I called to apologize. At Vincent's invitation, they walked to the basement - Tim diligently looking for evidence as he passed through each room. You're in charge. Julie sent the job offer to the wrong candidate. I thought we would be drinking out of the bottle again. A thin door at the back wall offered the only egress, presumably to the bathroom as it was closed. Alex, we appreciate your candor and your commitment to this project. So how did you meet Joel? Vincent asked. At times he told himself that his wife would have wanted it this way. Vincent squeezed a little harder and Veronica giggled. The journey of reckoning with his past had been a crucial step in his ong oing battle with imposter syndrome, a battle that he was now winning with newfound resilience and self-belief. Then I have a proposal, he said. It was not his affair. Vincent ignored this, choosing instead to concentrate on taming the defective radio. She had found a station, but, still dissatisfied, rummaged through his glove compartment for a compact disk. A piece of litter, paper wrapping from a bucket of fried chicken, blew past. Did you confront him about being married? Not at first, she said with an innocent smile. Karen must have put them there, but I don't know why. I don't know if I should answer that, Sarah said in a teasing sing song voice. The headline read, Violent Crime Rises to record Rate. Give the way I look? Jesus, what kind of a comment is that? But I knew that. He allowed gravity to pull the heavy truck down the mountain, shunning the brake pedal. The sun, low in the sky behind them, was invisible from their vantage point. The clerk scampered to collect the items which Joel listed, dropping them into a paper grocery sack. Or send a card? No response came from his friend. This thought led him to look at the status line of each page: all but three were definitely clipped from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and those remaining simply had no information. The way this man's shoulders were pulled down, as if anchored by invisible thread, and the way he thrust his hands deep into his pockets, made Vincent think of another man he had once known. Yes, I think I do. When Veronica had been young, and fatherhood a new and unfamiliar chore to Vincent, he had been haunted by a recurring dream of Veronica climbing out of her crib and walking at an impossible age into their room. You have a special set of skills, Mark, and experience in an area that we lack. Back in Atlanta she wakes every night in tears. Tim looked at the next article. Not as well as I'd like. Their lighthearted banter was interrupted by a loud commotion coming from the nearby picnic area. Is there anything good around here? Wouldn't know, Joel said. Good night. There's no question of that. Vincent drove away. The gorilla regarded him with a deep, contemplative gaze that seemed to speak of wisdom and an cient knowledge. As the coffee reached the three cup mark etched into the glass Vincent heard the distinct sound of a door opening. Thanks, he said, picking up the first piece. So what do you do? Vincent asked. He stood, and turned his back to walk away from the table, relieved. The sound, audible at Vincent's back, lasted an impossible length of time, but before Vincent could turn to see, the house had fully collapsed, the only motion left a single card dropping to the floor. You sound so casual, Amy said. She may have even written something specifically about the articles. It was only a few dollars. When he looked me back in the face he had a hungry expression, like he hadn't eaten tonight. There was a silence which Vincent did not know how to fill. But as the executives delved deeper into their concerns, Alex's newfound confidence began to waver. He came to a stoplight and closed his eyes hoping to bring back the image of the card in his mind. Abnormally, he noticed her fingers before anything else; a delicate hand placed against the fabric of the seat to brace her climb into the truck belied what Vincent had seen walking in hurried steps along the shoulder. Don't all your little anecdotes have morals of some kind? With a gasp Jack said, I resent that. You were asleep, he answered. Even while Karen was alive these stirrings would be close at hand. He knew that his project had potential, that he had the skills to lead the team to success, but the imposter syndrome still gnawed at him. She found the remote for the television, then began to surf through the channels until she found a cartoon. So he's telling the truth? Sarah asked. It was a moment of shared hilarity that transcended workplace rivalries. Maybe, but it seems a weak approach. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Row after row of file folders lay inside, loosely divided by cardboard tabs marked with letters of the alphabet. I hope you brought something to do, Daddy, Mark said. She never mentioned any of these events, or discussed with Vincent their importance, but clearly there was some element in each that caused her to reread and save the columns. Not another one. Opening the basket, they began to spread out their meal. He felt for the first time that he was moving in the right direction. Once, when he was very young, Mark startled his mother in the kitchen late at night. Don't think like that, said Sarah. Schuyler, the FedEx driver said. Yeah, I ate already. As the meeting progressed, Alex felt a glimmer of hope. I guess. He had written down his sister-in-law's phone number. This absent, he stared to his right, out the passenger window, watching with disinterest as an endless and featureless array of wildlife streaked before his eyes. He had the rest of the day to kill before going to bed, then work in the morning; Sarah Todd would not be home until tonight. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. The road lulled him, and in spite of the music which filled the car, his eyes began to close; he would have to get coffee at the next truck stop. I don't get why they made Alex the project lead, Tom grumbled, his tone tinged with frustration. Karen left the room without saying a word. Rooms would be unoccupied while miles away Sarah slowly went broke looking for a job. Don't you listen to anything decent? Where do you find this crap? For your information, all of those were purchased at your store. A way to convince Mr. Just after midnight he went to bed, fully awake, feeling the tired grip of insomnia begin to cloy at him. Center myself on what's next. Veronica, rested from her sleep during the drive, was momentarily alert and awake, but stayed close to Vincent's side. Alex's heart sank as he listened to their words. A flash of familiarity went through Vincent's mind. Though she was quite right wing up until her senior year in college. Through this calm, dinner went. He listened. For all Vincent knew the articles could have been clipped by eleven different people. He flipped through the pages of the year, turning the glossed paper first forward then back in the hope that one month would stand out from the rest. Would that wipe away all the love that was between you? Would it make you forget every good thing she had done for you? It might, Vincent thought. Sarah, I'll be honest. She was dead weight in his arms and slumped lifelessly to the pillow when he laid her on the bed. Finished, he pushed his plate away. With the full glass in his hand, Vincent felt much better about the evening ahead of him. He stood still, enduring the scrutiny, then the lock turned and Tim opened the door. I didn't know you were such an animal lover, Vince, said Tim. She's at that age, Vincent said. I'm sure it was just the way the sound carried, though. One sunny Friday afternoon, the team gathered at a nearby park for a game of capture the flag. Her face, always beautiful, embraced an enigmatic quality in the half- darkness. Vincent did not know how to counter her protests. This is the end of my marriage, he thought. It would hurt. Vincent walked to the refrigerator. ÔWhat are you doing later on tonight? We could meet, go dancing, then back to my place. Somehow, the two could exist independently and simultaneous in the world, but not in time, not in Vincent's mind. We believe that you've demonstrated the capacity to adapt and learn from your challenges. With patience and calm, he began again his ascent, this time moving more sideways than upwards, but always making slow progress toward the road. Vincent took the knife in his hand, and began a ritual that would be repeated thousands of times throughout America, but the Fehrs performed theirs in an almost unbroken silence, each suffering their private guilt, fear, or anxiety. Young, thought Amy, thin with large breasts to finish the package. We've lived here so long the weather has become predictable. I'm glad. No, he said. It's not fair to you. Having spilled the blood of grief in her home, Vincent would never speak to her again. In fact, my wife's bitter discontent reminds me of a couple I once worked with. What did you have in mind? Vincent calculated, then said, I'm free this weekend. [nine] Above, the sky domed all, a blue weight, clear and pure through the small gap in the forest roof, framed by bark and leaves. She laughed, and slapped him on his forearm. Are you ready for some breakfast? she asked. The mechanics of cleaning, scraping and finally loading the dishes into the dishwasher, gave Vincent a means to clear his mind. A few minuted passed and Tim heard the sound of his friend's shoes clacking on the concrete. Tim paused for a second, looking confused, as if he had forgotten what he was saying. Work isn't going well. [he considers driving backward, but decides to be cautious] Impatient, he sped up. Go somewhere interesting, informative, amusing, or prohibited. He could hear the fear in her voice. In over my head pretending to be an educated woman. It was full dark when the last one had been lit, enjoyed, and died. Tim completed one last circle of the block, then parked his car behind Vincent's in the driveway. Give me an example, the host prompted. He recalled a line of code he had come across in one of his late-night research sessions, a snippet that had solved a similar issue in a different pr oject. What was wrong with programming? It was having an adverse effect on me. The lingered for a few years, and then were divorced. It's not healthy for her to grow up by herself. Fine. Fine. Before they arrived at the end of the hall, Veronica came around the corner, timidly watching their guest. If the clerks they hire weren't so stupid I would have gone under a long time ago. Vincent slowed for a street sign, squinted at the white letters, but this was not the right one. Thornton cleared his throat, his gaze fixed on Alex. Alec did a quick turn and Mark followed, walking back in the direction they came. We're out of barbecue sauce. Both he and Mark turned to Amelia as though she might have something to do with the badge reader's malfunction, but she was gone. Fifteen minutes later, they were both dressed and out the door. He knew of no way to comfort the child, no way to halt the tears. Ramirez peered at him, her eyes wise beyond her years. I'm concerned about Veronica. Can you even imagine what that feels like? he asked, rasping. The soft white curtains glowed outward and a shadow moved. The mud and sticks and grass slurped and gurgled beneath his sliding body. The pain is behind you. Vincent, seeing the cars parked in the drive, began to feel a deep sense of dread at spending the afternoon with his inlaws, their friends, and his daughter. It's been good. Sure, Joel said. Joel Alexander had led what amounted to a double life. Why are you afraid? Tim laughed. An empty, gravel lot surrounded the barbecue stand; weeds grew intermittently up between the rocks and dirt. The day when he met Amy Ware, Vincent had just finished lunch with a potential client and decided to stop in a music store on the way back to the office. Joel walked away without another word to Sarah, content to leave her smiling by herself, laughing inwardly at his distaste. All around hung the green and black of the trees. Vincent walked beside the car, its driver had his back to him leaning against the rear quarter panel of the car as gas flowed into the tank. Did you like staying at Uncle Joel's? Do you maybe want to go back some day? Yeah, she said with little enthusiasm. Watch that light, he said. It's just an idea, but it would certainly help you get settled. He set it down near her on the table. I doubt that, Jack said. Amy said nothing, but merely dragged her bare feet through the thick carpet. The email read, Hey Alex, long time no see! I hope you're doing well. Hoping I would go away? Vincent asked. A block later he executed a dangerous u-turn at the sight of an accident ahead. Scattered around its base were Timothy's sparse collection of CDs. The groceries put away, she took Veronica by the hand and together they walked the two blocks to Rachel Arthur's house. What matters is how you respond to them. Jack's lying again and you have to prove it. Forget it, Joel said. I should be going. Her words were a balm to his restless mind. He only wanted to know what happened after dinner. The hill leveled off into a plateau, at the top of which Timothy and Vincent walked about ten steps before the trees parted and there was enough room to open the chairs. I don't understand, Amy said. Within minutes, they were back where they had started, passing the gas station. I don't know. We had a lot of fun. I knew it would be. Okay, Sarah, Alex said, his voice steady. Then, one of the senior executives, a woman with a reputation for being formidable, leaned forward and spoke. What? Christine asked, surprised. Can't. But before he could say anything, the inner door to the office opened and a tall woman walked into the lobby. I wouldn't have left Veronica alone. He slowed to make the right turn into his neighborhood, driving quickly down the winding road lined with high trees just now greening with the return of warm weather. Vincent walked around the partition to stand next to Keane's desk. The desk shut tightly, Vincent picked up his wine glass by the stem and turned to leave the room, but he halted before even his first step. Which actually contributes to the overall instability but allows me to have a higher structure with fewer stories. They crossed the parking lot to the back of the complex, passing through a planted row of now dead shrubs into a wood floored with a thick layer of pine needles. Comfortable, he laid awake for several hours, only falling asleep just before dawn. Don't you see? No. Amelia turned her attention to the whiteboard. There's something you have to know. Daddy -- she whined, starting to protest, but stopped seeing the darkness of the sky, realizing the lateness of the hour. He had left the front door open, so as he walked down the hall Vincent could see Tim through the glass storm door. They didn't call me. Shivering, he clothed his body in the funereal suit, and confused, he took his daughter's tiny hand - observers believed foolishly that he supported the child. Vincent took a long breath, preparing to lie. He was in the parking lot behind the building where he taught, saying goodbye to one of his chosen students. Do we? Vincent said as he began to walk again. There were seven, and as he flipped slowly from one to the next, Vincent could see the deliberate experimentation, the testing of new styles. Let's gather up the kids and we'll head out. Vincent turned to look at his passenger. It was a reminder that amidst the challenges of the workplace, moments of lightheartedness and connecti on could be the glue that held them together. The lights from the truck were only barely visible now. We won't see her until we're in heaven. Her heart raced; she did not know if he would react with anger. No response came from the back seat. The boy had stopped screaming, Christine herself was now quiet as well, leaving only the splashing noises from the river. He trailed off again, again hoping she would pick up the thread of conversation and remove the burden from him. The ailments were endless within his mind. They ate quietly for the rest of the meal. I think it has too much dill. I brought the cups, Karen said. Look at her play. Vincent stood apart from mother and child, a spectator, willingly burying his impotence with distance. As he looked out at the Atlanta skyline from his office window, he couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude for the journey that had brought him to this point. Vincent turned his face downward, toward his salad plate, which now lay empty save a few limp shreds of lettuce. Still unsure, Vincent said, Oh. Hi, Tim, he said, opening the glass door. But you love to program. He would look up as he rounded a corner, and where his headlights cut through the night, he could see the road before him: open, a dip, soft curve, then steady rise again. Moreau and his wife had a complete understanding of each other's actions and intentions. Yeah, he said, feeling none of it. Karen, though, in one of the long string of unnoticed betrayals which comprise any marriage, had creaked open the thin attic door to squat alone on her gold; increasing her wealth independently of Vincent, enjoying it as a bachelor. That's why it meant a lot to me when you allowed Veronica and I to come up here for the weekend. I think I know a few hotels which should be cheap enough. If you did you wouldn't be sending your daughter away. He was unprepared for such carnal sights at this time in the morning and found himself staring at her, unabashed. Tim thought she had put on weight, adding to her bulk, but he could not tell for sure. Wake up so we can talk about where you are going to stay. I don't think mine qualifies as reliable either, she said. Do you know of any good places around here? You come from the interstate, son? Yeah, Vincent said. I appreciate your help, though. Nice to meet you too, Vincent. Veronica rang the doorbell but opened the door immediately, not waiting for a response. It will be a long drive if I can't find them, he thought. Does she watch you too? Vincent had an image of Karen turning away in disgust, nearby seraphim bowing their heads in vicarious shame. And it's not easy. A low hum sounded in the recesses of Mark's mind. This was a trick Keane had employed in the past. Also, his blog was practically famous. You're a funny guy, Vincent. Vincent noticed nothing. He had no inclination toward argument, and was relieved to be off the hook so easily. He knew then he was on the right road. Behind the wheel of the car, he slumped, his eyes closing involuntarily until the fast food hot coffee began to take effect. He really is terrible at diagrams. How're you doing, Karen? Karen forced a smile. There he lay, recuperating from the final sprint, before struggling to his feet and heading in a limp down the road. I'll send Jackson up. Leave these two to start the grill. What is it? A lizard, she said, showing him the small reptile which had, strangely, crawled onto her arm. Hours passed, and Alex found himself neck-deep in imposter syndrome anecdotes from all walks of life. As many guys as I have known, he was always - Shut up, Joel said flatly. I'm sorry. The energy is there and I'm not going to find it in the bottom of a cup or at the end of a spoon. It became apparent that the girl at the register was new to her job. A friend who worked at the paper. But I truly wish that I had burned down the entire building. Much later, his eyes snapped open to the sound of crying. She obeyed, reclining away from her father. I think there's a Braves game on, Tim said. I've got to check my email anyway. O. The passenger side window had shattered, and chunks of glass fell harmlessly in his lap. This expansive parade of brown, breaking out through the carpet of fallen gold and amber leaves, paled in comparison to the shimmering, deep green canopy which sealed the gaps between branches and locked away the sun. He washed his hands, and was the first to sit down at the table. Karen had sketched the rudimentary layout in pencil, and most of the woman's face was painted fully. Yes, came the small reply. Then see how she is in the morning. He had learned to embrace the future with confidence and resilience. Idle time did not suit him well. What if he had missed something critical? What if his confidence had been a facade, shattered by the scrutiny of the executives? As the night deepened, Alex couldn't sleep. This surprised Vincent who had never once been to a ballgame with his friend. Vincent circled the canvas to look at the work in progress. The attic, a collective mind of their marriage, held thoughts of his - a long-unused bowling ball, textbooks from college, a broken portable cassette player - and it held thoughts they shared - Christmas decorations, the filing cabinet of documents, a pair of racquetball rackets - and it held thoughts that were unique to Karen, but all that was Vincent's had been openly his. Hi, daddy. Hi, daddy. He thumped it with his finger as he talked. Alec explained that all the food and drinks were complimentary, but Mark was most impressed by the whiteboard. Who was on the phone? she asked. Moments later, as he gathered the ingredients for pancakes, Amy entered the kitchen. He had encountered unexpected technical challenges, but he had been working tirelessly to address them. These were his people. I promise I won't make you do anything that will make you unhappy. The satisfaction that washed over Alex was unparalleled. Veronica's spent state was beneficial, occupying her thoughts, taking her mind from the loss of her mother, allowing her an unusual time of peace, but Vincent felt as if he had been at the office all weekend. If I tell you then you may take some other man instead of me. Get us two beers from the fridge, Vincent said, and I'll grab a couple of glasses. The boy lived? she asked, guessing the end of the story. He was in the classical section now, and saw a Beethoven recording he would have liked years ago. The two men stopped walking altogether. Especially single men his age. It was not a meal that Karen had enjoyed when she was alive, so Vincent was immediately uncomfortable serving it to Veronica, who he felt would not like it. Find anything? Vincent asked, reentering the room. Surely he could have been mistaken. It was a productive call; when Vincent replaced the handset it was with optimism and the expectation of a return call later in the day. Tell her only to let Veronica play in the back yard, not the front. Thornton's gaze with determination. In seconds he was sideways on the road, sliding toward the precipice. Vincent could not resist the chance. Vincent took a path in front of the first quadrant of cubicles, passing directly by the scowling Smitty. He tried to imagine losing one parent and then being separated from the other. It had always amazed him that she would read in the dark; her eyes failing slowly, like all of her, but she remained oblivious, too indifferent to stretch her limbs enough to flip the switch on the wall, or turn the knob of a lamp; the simplest of actions eluding her. but they've put 'em in the bathrooms. He swallowed hard and nodded, his voice steadier than he expected. Thornton spoke again. It took him almost thirty minutes to find it among the crowded strip malls which plagued its street. Sarah looked out the passenger window, watching trees and grass, exit ramps, rest stops. The exit ahead, Joel tapped the brake to turn off the cruise control, and eased his truck into the right lane. Leaving the discussion as hopeless, Joel returned to the children. Sarah, he said, louder than before, we are close to my house. As the clock ticked toward midnight, Alex knew he had to leave. It's too much too consider. Are you missing the excitement of the big city already? No. So my little girl is going to have to go to sleep. I suppose so, Tim said. It came into view, long before the house itself, which was sunk back on the hill, hidden in the woods. What else did you need to know? Her voice became serious, steady: Even good men cheat on their wives. He was capable, at least on some level, of just that sort of calculation. I couldn't agree more. I teach. The carpet was a utilitarian brown with dark stains spread evenly across its surface in a mottled mockery of leopard spots. Sunglasses should be in the car. Mark flopped down into one of the chairs feeling as though his breath and his legs had left him at the same time. We've taken into consideration your commitment to addressing the issues we raised. I think my husband is sleeping with a woman at his office. I don't know, he said. You're the only other person in the room, the receptionist said. From inside, Tim looked out the spyhole for a moment, watching Vincent. Great, Tim said again, oblivious to her sarcasm. To what degree. I won't, she said. Let's just get back on track, he suggested, and we can go through a drive-thru somewhere along the way. The dog, neglected, jumped up against Joel's leg two or three times, then wandered away. We have her bed made and ready to go. Thanks, Sarah, that means a lot. Years. He leaned on the counter, waiting, and watched the pot from the corner of his vision. I want to thank you again for letting us come up, he said. He gestured as if he were about to begin a sentence, then merely expelled air in a heavy sigh. No, Vincent lied, I'm not certain about anything right now, Sarah, but I think she needs to put some distance between herself and my grief. Oh, that, Vincent said. Vincent focused the mirror on the road, squarely aligning it with the frame of the rear window, and tried to concentrate on the drive. She fell asleep. He had been in similar conversations with his wife, with similar results. The road wound as it had before, with little to distinguish this stretch from the miles behind them. His useless actions churned water momentarily, then made contact with Karen's chest. Vincent lay stiff, not daring to react to the child's presence. He had become increasingly fixated with the idea of living with her and now that she was actually in his home, he found it difficult to imagine Sarah walking out the door. He thought about her for a week. He did not sign, unsure if this was a tactical error. Don't worry about it, Sarah said, holding him back. Name? he asked. He was cheating on his wife, he said, exasperated. Vincent still wore a suit from work, it was just after 6:00 - though his tie had been loosened and his jacket was draped across his arm; he may have just come home. You know, you should consider getting an answering machine. Three or four? He'll be four next month. The plump brown secretary sadly informing Vincent that the police were on the phone. What listing? Scheaffer, Timothy, he said, then spelled the last name so she would get it right. Carefully, he began to restack the papers, placing them neatly on top of each other inside the drawer. Fifteen minutes before twelve, he walked out the heavy wooden doors of his office. , ignorant of which channel or what program played across the screen. He looked down at the unfinished wooden floor beneath his feet. Vincent showered, creeping from his small room into the bath across the hall, scalding himself clean under the flow of hot water. Doesn't really seem like your type, Amy, the girl said indicating Tim with a dismissive gesture. There's a chicken plant, and some textile work, but nothing with promise, nothing you can be proud of. Downstairs, he found Karen's book of poetry, taking into the den to read. Oh, Vincent said, disappointed. A second heave and the light turned to green. In fact, most of them are always hiring, especially just around the corner on Pleasant Hill. I think Dan just wanted it to be excessively obvious when the time came, so no one could second guess him later. It felt, he thought, like sitting down on the sofa and just waiting for four hours with nothing happening at all. She waved again for help, unable to swim any longer, her lungs burning with pain, betrayed by numbness through the rest of her body. He took the child gently in his arms, then carried her to her own room, her own bed. Let me find it. Is there a lot of that going on where you work? Long pause before Jack answered, Um, I don't know. I was only kidding. Ahead, on the left, there would be a driveway and a black mailbox with brightly lit gold letters. I had to, my real one would have been long distance, but I would have given her a bum one anyway. It detailed her journey of self-discovery and growth, culminating in her becoming a partner at a prestigious law firm. Amelia's face once more disappeared behind the monitor and she began typing again. Tim spent a moment thinking of music he still enjoyed. They walked in file up to the crest of the ridge when Sarah and the kids came into view. She forced more motion out of her body, but her legs were slowing and her arms did not have the energy to break the surface of the water. He closed the oven door and sat down to wait. I talked to Veronica tonight, and she is afraid of losing you. The atmosphere was tense, and their expressions were grim. At times it had been a ritual for the group, a juggernaut that could not be halted after a casual suggestion had set events into motion. You can't expect him to negotiate a minefield. Perfectly normal. And though it has been very complicated I'm glad that you did. Furtively, he looked at his wife, attempting to determine if she would want to discuss yesterday's trauma. Vincent, still dressed in the starched white shirt and wool slacks that his office dress code required, noticed suddenly the June heat and humidity, and though he was now in the shade of the towering pine trees he felt no relief. I was out of town, fundraising. He entered the conference room and found the same panel of executives waiting for him. Veronica, he said, meekly, could you stop the tape for a minute? Daddy has something to talk to you about. That day, though, she and Vincent had been doing nothing at all. I was following pretty closely, and I noticed she had gone to the same restaurant twice for lunch - by herself. And I usually don't call up there after hours, because he gets angry when I disturb him, but I called, and he wasn't angry. He wanted to make her feel more at ease. Good Christ, she said under her breath as she crossed the threshold. He stood - it angered her - watching the scene with anxiously bovine eyes. He placed his hand on her face, feeling for tears he half-hoped would not be there, but like the inevitable first blood of battle, her tears flowed wetly from her face. He let it idle for a moment, a vague sense of anxiety gnawing at him. There was an interval of silence before Vincent spoke. Vincent looked around. You're bigger than her. He came into the kitchen to kiss Karen goodbye, leaving almost wordlessly for a day of work. I know the professor you're talking about, honey, Martha said. He wanted to ask Sarah to stay with him, save the money she would waste on a hotel until she could find a steady job. Alex's comedic distraction had worked like a charm. But by the time he made it down the stairs, Karen was already in the den, attempting to comfort Veronica. Exasperated, Amy said, You don't hire someone to plant bulbs. That's all. Will you visit often? Of course, Vincent said. Normally she just released Veronica from her care, spoke three or four words to be polite, then left. I'm taking Veronica to live with her Aunt and Uncle for the summer. He just suddenly got quiet? This was incomprehensible to Vincent. You didn't do anything wrong. I think the oven's hot. He and Veronica had just finished when the doorbell chimed. I try to make a stand and the prick goes out and finds a tart. She didn't wake up crying in the night. He said you left at six and hadn't been back since. The crying persisted, unabated, and Amy, confused, awoke as the sound crested into their bedroom. He led meetings, made crucial decisions, and provided guidance to team members. He nodded and there was an awkward silence. Tim read on, scouring through the words in a search no less relentless than Vincent's. Maybe things would be unchanged, he thought, but knew this was a lie. I've got it. The whole trip will take us a couple of hours, so we might as well get started now. It was like taking a breath. Sure, Tim said, with little interest. Not the nose picker. Joel called down to them from the deck upstairs, I have to go to the store. ? That's great. Joel drove well faster than the forty-five mile speed limit, already impatient to be over with this excursion. You know you're both welcome here, she said with enthusiasm. He looked immediately to Sarah. Most people work in manufacturing. Vincent resisted the urge to place her left arm in a matching position across her body. Me and Stacy had lots of fun. They sped down the interstate, Vincent at once anxious to be home, but not wanting to part company with Sarah. Do you want to come in or wait in the car? Joel asked. Vincent nodded. The flatness of the valley and the small buildings nestled between hills gave the town a displaced feel, as if it had been hidden for too long from progress, secreted away from the rest of the world. Vincent could no longer see his daughter. Just couldn't wait to see your smiling face. She nodded, her tiny eyes widening in uncertainty. He sat now at the end of the couch, where his wife had so often read. Tim has been completely out of touch for fourteen months. She complied, reaching her small arm to the VCR, pressing the pause button to freeze the animated characters mid-action. Why? he asked. Vincent reached to bottom of the stairs and knelt to correct Veronica's knotted mistake. So where are you headed? he asked. Vincent grabbed one of the lawn chairs, and he and Timothy left the tiny room with the door unlocked behind them. She had been preparing her speech to me, ironing out the final details so it would have the greatest impact. He saw me at least once a month and sometimes as often as once a week. The one that's going to take us to the future. Vincent chose a space farther away, hoping to avoid any damage to his car before he departed this place. Most days it was a chore to get her to sit still on the way, or to endure the long aisles without a constant litany of complaints, but she was well behaved today. Joel will put that in the bedroom. Karen sat between them, on Vincent's right. Confused, Tim asked, Mean? It has no meaning. You're probably right. You're probably right. It was attractive, but not an incredibly impressive waterfall. So how's it going? she asked still smiling. Vincent laughed. Vincent remained propped against the dresser, thinking of ways he could avoid confrontation with his daughter. He removed the child from her embrace with a motion like brushing lint from his pants. Keeps that body in good shape. It's only a few miles. These were followed by the soft glow of multi-colored blasts from the Roman candles. He slipped away from the crowded reunion hall and found himself strolling through the serene paths of Zoo Atlanta. Nothing like that. What's going on here? Nothing. Vincent resigned himself to a dull afternoon. program. Outside, Vincent asked, Why didn't you say anything? Normally I would have, but the people behind us were so impatient it just seemed better to leave it alone. That's right, five or six years. Thornton, the head of his department, along with a panel of senior executives whose stern expressions revealed little. You're not being fair. Heedless of the pain, he scrambled through the mud, emerging like a black and wounded animal on the rough concrete of the road. Sarah and Vincent met by the trunk of her car. He could still be lying. What do you have? Vincent said, Nothing here. Cruelly, Vincent pretended he did not hear the remark. I guess by bus, she said. There was a sacred, even sanctified, aspect to a sleeping visitor, and though it was possible that not all hosts felt this way, Joel respected this guest's privacy to the point of extremity, and, especially in light of their recent confrontation and conversations, wanted in no way to intrude or cross even an invisible boundary. He then sat at the kitchen table to watch the water drip hissing down into the carafe. And it wasn't just for show. I don't want to offend you, or impose on your generosity, but would you consider allowing Veronica to live with you and Joel for a while? Live here? she said, clearly taken aback by the suggestion. It didn't make sense. The years rolled on, and Alex continued to climb the ranks within the company. Well at least we know my badge works for one floor, Alec said, a touch of bitterness in his voice. You hungry now? Starving. She had worn pink shorts, a loose white shirt, and sandals that left the entire tops of her feet exposed. That hike will be tougher than you think tomorrow. I never said Sarah was a rube. Jack stopped at this point, with more to say, but self-concious of where this story had led him and how Vincent might relate too well to the incident described. When the pizza had cooked, looking at the finished product, smelling the cheese and pepperoni, stole Vincent's appetite, and he sliced the crust and transferred the pieces to their plates with mechanical indifference, as if he were merely a servant and not a participant in the meal. I don't know what to say. Vincent slowed, then stopped at the threshold, imprinting the scene upon his mind. Vincent was a stranger in this room. It was indicative of his lifestyle now, thought Tim, that I do things without any effort to understand, without slowing down long enough to consider the effects. The drive was short, Amy leisurely winding the roads until she found the entrance. He would wander the store for a few minutes and then give up. I'm organizing a high school reunion next month, and I'd love for you to come. He turned in to the lot and parked the rusting Plymouth off to the side. Veronica did as she was told, offering the baby sitter a goodbye hug before she left. Vincent heard the sound of cardboard tearing, then Tim returned, tossing a can of Old Milwaukee to Vincent. Steam flowed behind him through the open door, cold air rushing surreptitiously in beneath the cloud. Down the hall, he cracked open the door to his daughter's room, expecting to find her sitting awake, in tears for her mother, but she sprawled peacefully across the bed, remaining unconscious even as he sat down next to her. There, in the parking lot of a Quick Trip, he closed his eyes and tried to blank his mind, tried to forget it all. Six years? Does that sound right. com, as they greeted the receptionist with a curt good morning or a nod, scanned their badges and slipped through the frosted glass door to the offices beyond. Still at a distance, he saw silver tears on the cheeks of Bobby, the younger of the Alexander's children. The lobby was uncomfortably quiet without Amelia's typing, and no one came in or out. I'm going to sleep in the back seat. She became a mentor and a friend, someone he could confide in about his imposter syndrome and the ups and downs of his journey. Did you guys make it back all right. That's too long between children. Wake up and daddy will make breakfast. com thought they had hit the mother lode. She was a hell of a lot nicer than her husband. I've told myself all this before, he thought. Well, said Vincent, we can just-- But what happened is Martha and I were supposed to go to see a movie, some meandering three hour marathon filmed entirely on the outskirts of a corn farm in France, but it completely slipped my mind, and I stayed late to do some research in the library. Then, trying again to speak, the cackle grew, disproportionate with the parting of the man's lips, and though his expression was calm, a painful sound emerged. I suppose you're right. She checked her watch and said good-bye. The three adults sat at a large, oaken table, Veronica next to her father, leaning on the chair's arm. It's a mistake. She would have had to have been very rude to turn me down, and the restaurant is small, so we could have been sitting just a few feet from each other. On the front, a brighter image, this time of a swordsman, draped in gilded bands of rope from below his waist, a silver breast plate tightly simulated the contours of his torso, his feet clawlike. It's a small town, people notice these things, but the assumption was that she was bitter because she had only just learned of his unfaithfulness. I bet it's been closed for years. I'm here. What's up? he asked. One by one they fell, whiffling and flipping to the table top. It was where he had first encountered the cruel clutches of imposter syndrome. Anyway, I followed Sarah around town for about a week, watching her shop, pick up the kids, that kind of crap. Without comment, Joel turned the car around and sped up the driveway. Timothy placed his chair first, facing east and down the other, steeper side of the hill. Vincent said nothing to this. You live in squalor, friendless. Jack sighed. It lets her know you love her. She can't even drive for God's sake. Her tears may be enough to change your mind, but not from what I've seen. What does it mean? Vincent asked. So you don't work at the hardware store with Joel? Vincent asked. Unusually punctual today, Vincent, she quipped. Oops, he said to Veronica, realizing his mistake, I forgot to heat the oven. We'll take your responses into consideration and conduct a thorough review. Vincent could only put his arm around her in an ineffective gesture of consolation, the child recognizing it for what it was, his touch fueling the grief within her. My point exactly. Roles reversed, Stacy felt she would have been livid by this point. Oh, Jesus. Stepping through the open door - propped from closing with a cinder block - Vincent was confronted by the stale odor of cigarette smoke; a fine layer of grease and dirt covered all visible surfaces. They rode in silence interrupted only by the slow drone of the wheels and the even slower drone of country music from the radio. Vincent ignored him and continued, But one is about a gorilla at the zoo. Alec shot her a look that may have been intimidating, but Mark, recoiling from her strange behavior, gently extricated himself from her grip and put Alec between himself and the receptionist. He could force her, regardless of her emotions, but this would be a last resort. Hello, she said. I suppose this makes me a lucky woman. Gas stations, small houses, and Baptist churches were the only landmarks, and again Joel drove well in excess of the speed limit, venting his growing impatience on the concrete and the twists it presented. And you do? she asked. Tim moved closer to inspect the work, though without any true interest. No sign of Amy. The darkness lightened as her eyes adjusted to the pale, indirect light drifting in through the window. The client was impressed, not only w ith the quality of the work but also with the team's ability to meet the tight deadline. I was so nervous. So spend the day with her tomorrow. I wish I could stay to help you rebuild, but why don't you call me next week when you've got some free time. Good morning, Sarah, he said taking a seat at the table. He slid the door shut, and as it clanked back into a locked position, he knew that one day he would be back, betrayed again by his mind, disappointed by the memory which wove the moments of his life into fabric. You most likely won't be a great father. Atlanta, she answered. Stiff as a board, she endures the movie. Bobby, the same age as Veronica, drop kicked the ball almost straight up into the air. I met her, Sarah said. She walked to the microwave – at an unusually slow pace it seemed to Mark – and opened the door. No, no, no. Great, Vincent said. Great, Vincent said. But. Mark considered taking a banana, a fruit he didn't particularly care for, so that he could have a brief potassium bonding moment with the CEO of this Internet company, but he also knew that their next stop was the engineering floor and he did not want to be introduced to his co-workers while holding a half-eaten banana. I came around a corner and she was just standing there. So how is school going, Sarah? For me or for the kids? For you. Sobs closed off her speech; Vincent in a fatherly gesture, put his arm around her. The cold continued to press at his bones, and at times his shivering was so violent he had to stop, rest, wait minutes for it to pass, each time afraid it would not go away. He knew the guilt she felt, and knew as well that he could relieve her of that responsibility, but, selfishly, he denied her even a comforting glance. Calm, Vincent said, You said you got a job in town. Yeah, it did. This looks like a never ending project, Vincent said. I was just. It would be dark before Sarah returned; the eye would be shut, the pupil set behind the hills, and Vincent as well would not see the eye, though he had looked through it on its first appearance. He closed his eyes, imagining muffled sounds of loss from the child beneath him. Duluth? It's a suburb of Atlanta, he said. There's one at every exit. Moreau joined her husband as if nothing had happened, and the two walked off, hand in hand. You have the skills and the potential, and you're here for a reason. I'm not real hungry. His smell strong and foreign, it would not stop until he was far away, but the struggle to exhume himself from the ditch was not going well. I just-- Just what? It's not worth discussing, Vincent said. I make a few calls and then start to get scared. You'd have an answering machine. How many miles? No more than five, the attendant said. You never took your ring off, she said. Sometimes I don't think Vincent spends enough time with Veronica. It was not just that Sarah and Joel had chosen too long of a journey, or chosen a path with too few highlights, rather the basic concept was flawed in Vincent's eye. The man's stillness prevented Vincent from further identifying him, as though he were in an incomplete painting which required more color more work for the final meaning and significance to be clear. I do appreciate all you've done. Sarah's ankles were thick, though she did not weigh more than her sister had. ? Um, yeah, Tim said. On impulse, he crossed the room to the telephone, which hung on the wall. Walking backwards, far from where Vincent now rolled, was a man, thumb pointed skyward, cumbersome green army sack strapped to his back like some monochrome tortoise shell. , Sarah said, opening her door, Everybody out of the car. But don't sign that document without having a lawyer look it. This is actionable and they know it. He picked up the first one and began to read. What did he say? Joel asked. She had not seen or spoken to Vincent in several weeks, but jealousy flared the instant she saw Sarah. Jack agreed, Vincent has an excellent point. He exited the bathroom, returning to his prone position on the bed. Alex leaned in, studying the code alongside her. He lifted the child from under the covers, holding her in his arms to return her to their cold home. What was that about? Alec asked. He was willing this time, but his right arm, free from Karen's hold, whipped around to return her embrace and pounded Karen again in the head. Karen was a beautiful woman. His left hand scribbled notes in uneven lines across a blank white page, his handwriting legible only to himself, and indecipherable by all if left to time. Stay here. We've been reviewing the progress of your project, Alex. Amelia began tugging at Mark's arm, pulling him away. At a stop, the man trotted up to the car. She can see us, and she watches you all the time, so nothing bad can ever happen to you. In the silence, Jack sipped his drink, looking hopefully to the house for his wife and Sarah, but the doors remained steadfastly shut, the two men remained alone. Vincent wanted to take Sarah back to his home. She looked around her, searching for some half-hidden token of Vincent's wealth. Not a couple of dumb rubes like me and Sarah. She can take no more of my emotions. Do you want daddy to carry you on his shoulders? She shook her head, No. I'm an impostor. I would have stayed later. Slowly, she fell into sleep, disappointment subsiding to unconsciousness, but he did not. Thanks, Tim said. They had two here and Mark began to think that this place oozed wealth. Regular people who had scarcely touched a mouse or keyboard in their lives were paying upward of 9. Tell her to stay out of the street. He knew Bill wouldn't leave quietly. A little unfair, don't you think? said Christine. She managed to grasp his meaty arm, digging her red nails into his flesh, pulling him into her. They said it didn't make any sense, but I knew what I was trying to say. He accelerated through the intersection, breathing deeply to recapture the calm, but at the next stoplight, nausea overpowered him. She watched it for a moment, then brushed the insect aside. A batter wearing a Philadelphia Phillies uniform walked slowly to the plate; he was unfamiliar to both Tim and Vincent. I guess he does. I talk to her every day. What I need is a fresh perspective, Vincent said. I don't know when she was born. * * * Daddy, wake up, Veronica said, pushing roughly on his biceps. Not that she was an unpleasant, or even unfriendly woman, but the routine of seeing Karen every day left them at a loss for words sometimes. Can you drive me there? Of course, he said, and they left, all the lights still on in the house as they drove away. Amy - or somebody - had been calling; Tim had not answered the phone. Minutes passed, and consciousness threatened to slip away, but a pulsing red pain forced Vincent to remain awake, and in some capacity, alert. Above the remaining whispered notes, Vincent's voice rang out. In the background, the television droned as it almost always did in the Fehr household, and her back to the screen, Veronica played with a group of dolls. No a single lamp burned anywhere in the house. I had forgotten what she looked like. Several hours of sunlight would shine on the photo each morning, and over the next year its surface would fade, the light draining color and detail from the fragile picture. He pulled onto the main road, his concentration focused on adjusting the car's air conditioner; a flick of his finger brought the fan roaring to life, hot air breathing against their faces, then, slowly, turning cool. But you didn't ask. Not now. Trying to gain as much sympathy as possible, before hitting her with the knockout punch. He tried, between cuts and bites, to think his way out of this trap, to find a way to explain what had transpired and still leave himself unimplicated, and even unquestioned. There, reflected in the red glare of his tail lights, was the familiar intersection for which he had been looking. Sarah's with them, Joel said, and there's actually something I wanted to talk to you about. Don't I know it, Jack said. I don't understand, Vincent said. Sarah's home, he thought. They ate for a moment, looking around the park for a topic of discussion. April. You seem troubled, my dear. Amelia tightened her face into an inscrutable expression and shot daggers at Mark. Alex nodded earnestly. Fuck, he said, I killed it. He shook it for a moment. Vincent approached one. Tim could not even discern where the bulbs would have been planted, for the earth looked undisturbed in the area in front of the porch. Not comprehending, the man nodded and offered a small grunt of approval. Then why did you come back. Yeah, he answered. We saw each other for a few years before he broke it off. I only saw him with her as an infant. Vincent pulled himself up from the bed, then trudged step by step out of the bedroom and down the stairs. It could happen, he said, encouraged. Joel, Vincent began, intending to criticize his driving. Mosquitoes descended in greater numbers with the growing darkness. You won't feel any of it, Vincent, she whispered. He merely continued to measure flower into the mixing bowl. It was simply a voice in his ear and thoughts in his head. All they wanted was to get online and go. This algorithm should be working, but it's not producing the expected results. Tim kept little to eat at home, preferring to buy fast food or order Chinese to be delivered. You're right, she said. Underneath the right front tire, Vincent clearly saw a shock of dirty brown hair, and from it seeped a dark pool of blood. It was Karen and another woman in front of a bronze fountain. You really came prepared, he said. Through the closed door Vincent could picture it:, garish red against the powder white of the tissue. com? Or if someone with that much technical skill could only be a receptionist, what must the real developers be like? Mark doubted he would ever be able to keep up. We're having a family grill out tonight, so we came down to pick up some fireworks, Joel said. He felt, and had for some time, that he was taking an easy stroll down a grassy hill. Your code changes have introduced unnecessary complexity, and your decisions don't align with best practices. Are you tired, honey? Vincent asked of Veronica. With a glimmer of hope, he said, Sarah, I remember reading about a similar problem a few weeks ago. Vincent awoke to the harsh, monotone squall of his alarm clock, it's bright red LED display unwavering at six o'clock. The corner of the bag was just visible behind a large can of coffee. A fear unrealized as Timothy entered and left the door ajar behind him. Vincent approached each meal from Veronica's perspective, and imagined she would be disturbed by Amy's presence at the family dinner table. My reaction exactly, said Vincent. There, Vincent said, pointing to the brick red building on the left side of the road. Schuyler, she responded. Not a problem, Mr. Jack swatted the air around him, presumably at a mosquito. Traces of sweat collected between his fingers then spread mountain to valley to his palms. But I've held on so far. I'm due on-- But Vincent could not complete the scene; the words remained unspoken in his mind. Vincent then dumped the pasta into a colander over the sink, the boiling water rushing through, steam floating upwards in a wet cloud. Too short, she could not reach the stranded toy. Veronica, her tiny hands moving food in tiny scoops to her mouth, kept her head turned down, away from any eye contact with either her or Vincent. Vincent was willing to leave the conversation at that, and glad to have the distraction from his thoughts. Alex couldn't help but smile at the gentle giant. Vincent had left the articles out, lying on the floor where he had put them when he went to eat. He hoisted himself to his knees and began to crawl. You can't be responsible for every bad driver in Atlanta. Vincent, he said. I'll get bored of it soon, I suppose. Their thoughts and feelings married. He then stood and left the room; Tim was left to read the remaining articles by himself. It was all muddled, like he couldn't even control what sounds came from his mouth. No, Vincent said, then added, Well, yes. Her blonde hair was cut short in the back, shaved close to her scalp, gaining thickness only above her ears. The house looked unfamiliar, as if it were Sarah Todd's home and not his, or as if he had not been here in weeks. He shook his head and mouthed the word, No, at her. In fact, we should probably get the little one to bed. For both men the walk to the store quickly turned into a chore, the heat sapping the last of their energy, the sun draining their strength. She'll be right down, the receptionist said, typing, not taking her eyes from the computer screen. No, said Joel, but they are in South Carolina, which is only forty- five minutes away. Under the notebook was a paperback anthology entitled Poetry of the American Mid-West. It had slipped out before she even realized what she was saying. Come over here we need your help. I challenge you to find a moral in this sordid and incomplete tale. He had recognized her and held his foot back; another second and she would have been dead. He took me to a cheap restaurant, then back to his room at the Comfort Inn, we had sex, she paused, then he asked me to leave before dawn. Did you start a fire just to– Stop talking. Didn't see? How could she not have seen? Where was she? His persistence annoyed her, and she snapped back at him, She's an old woman, Vincent. Near the end of the article, two other sources decried the study, citing faulty methods. He washed the liquid around his mouth, feeling chunks loose themselves, then spit the mixture with a wet slop onto the concrete. Not a woman likely to sit idle while her husband screws the underclassmen, and though I agree with my wife about her personality, this is exactly what happened. So Sarah tells me you're from Atlanta. You have to do more than just feed and clothe her and keep her alive. You have such a beautiful home. What? Do you need me to feed your cat or something? No, Vincent said, perplexed. Everything's been tough lately. You're an ass, Joel. Future community, Mark repeated. It came from the Journal. Thanks, Tim answered, abashed. He works too late in the week to really get a chance. I thought it would be easier by now, Vincent thought. Sarah and Vincent were inside. Vincent could not bring himself to enjoy the food, which had little taste and felt greasy and soft in his mouth. He would be late for work. The two boys re-entered the water and swam near their friend, but their strokes were slow from exhaustion, and they feared closing in on the drowning boy. No, he said, shaking his head. We'll make some calls. But he did tell me that story about six months ago, if that helps. There was the ubiquitous still life of fruit, rendered in colors and shapes as generic as the subject itself, and, more interesting in Vincent's eye, there was the painting of the landscape outside the attic window. A gospel section, Tim was surprised to see it, with name after name which meant nothing to Tim. He typed and deleted, typed and deleted, a nervous sweat forming on his brow. I know you're right, he said. But it's not your fault. The brightness receded behind their shade and Vincent relaxed, his eye muscles no longer squinting. She has not yet mourned in this way. For such a long time we suspected that your ramblings had some point to them, but it's a relief to find out they don't. He felt a glimmer of hope, a tiny ember of confidence, flickering in the dark cavern of his doubts. Shamefully he lowered his head. I've put her to bed, Karen said. Yeah, Joel said. Again there seemed to be no correlation, no common thread among to explain why Karen would have saved these articles. Of course, Joel answered. We'll take her, but are you certain this is the way to go. By the time she arrived at his dilapidated building, she had cried and stopped, even imagining that the red in her eyes and the swollen skin underneath had gone away. He had a cooler in one hand, a lawn chair in the other and was crossing the lot towards the hill on which he and Vincent had sat before, no doubt getting an early start on the sunset. He also knew that there would again be smoke, and he would again be forced to confront these feelings. I've never seen this one before. Vincent's eyes opened, focused on the blue numbers of the digital clock. She had become involved with a married man, regardless of what methods that man used to conceal his status, regardless of the fervor with which he pursued his goal. He put his hands on her small shoulders, shaking her, not gently enough. The child deserved better. We're almost to my house. Karen took the first of many strokes which would take her from the water, but instantly knew she did not have the strength to make it. He shook his head. It was all so easy for him here. Alex took a deep breath, knowing that the timeline issue was a valid concern. She has more traditional expectations for workplace behavior. Karen Fehr lay comfortably in a soft expanse of delicate satin. Once you've made up your mind I'll drive you over there. Well, he began, not wanting to offend, what was that out in the yard? Yelling at the kids. After thorough deliberation, Mr. I do, he said. I do remember now. It doesn't help, Martha said. On the 20th floor, the elevator opened and Julie from HR was on the other side. You have a great day! The name, Amelia Schuyler, rattled around inside Mark's brain for half a minute. He knew she was working today and it would have been easy to ask one of the two visible employees, but he never considered it with any seriousness. The idiocy of the production and the incessant piano music left him numb, but each time he had flipped away from it, sixty-two channels later, they once again found their eyelids drooping to the antics of the Peanuts gang. It was a moment of closure, a realization that he had come a long way from the insecure teenager he once was. A wide window covered only by a thin pale curtain glowed with internal light just next to the front door. unorthodox sources of information. I thought it would be best for her to spend some time away from here, he said. She may feel as if Vincent were trying to set her up. It's just one piece in the puzzle. How? Tim asked. I wouldn't worry about it. He continued to seek Sarah's guidance, not only on technical matters but also on leadership and team dynamics. The painted wooden stairs led down to a large, dimly lit basement. Moments later, the crying abated, replaced by the soft padding of his daughter's feet in the hallway. Sarah had no response, and the moment lingered until broken by Vincent. She may not bubble with joy around the clock, but what child does. Oh. Oh. Oh. I know that he probably had the ring in his front pocket, or back in the safe at his hotel room, but he had passed the first test so I went through with it. I'll most likely fail. If she backed out, she would return to the guilt ridden square from which she started. In the chilled darkness of their home, he placed Veronica under a warm blanket, but chose to leave most of the lights off. It threw its wrath at the chain link fence which contained it, snarling and growling between barks at Vincent. Tim opened the refrigerator and stared a little too long. You could be wrong about her, and wrong about me as well. As with the banana before, Mark felt that he missed an opportunity for bonding. Things were working out the way he had wanted, but looking at Amy in the kitchen across the hall, his relief turned to dread. He knew this, and it was this knowledge that frightened him most about the girl. He had started on that path, and today's meeting would be a crucial step forward. Vincent had not seen a familiar landmark for almost ten minutes, and the small glimpses through the dark became increasingly unfamiliar. Her heel scraped as she began to ascend the four concrete steps to the porch. He gasped. The basket was full, hot dog buns balanced precariously on top of all the other food. Something must have gone wrong at work. Tim laughed, I doubt that. I wouldn't flirt with her if I were you. Vincent remembered that Karen was in the picture, but could not recall where the picture was taken. She stretched her arms toward him and he compliantly lifted her up into his arms. Karen, don't! Christine pleaded. Great, Vincent said without enthusiasm. Alex, Mr. Then, while his energy level was high, he made a call to one of his better clients, one who Vincent knew had funds available for investment. The stretched material beneath the painted woman's face gave way with a tear. We might not want to go here, she said. And he's still whining about it. Amy did not know immediately that she had lost this battle. How's the store doing? Vincent asked. The lids snapped from in front of Vincent's eyes, and there was his wife, a corpse. He cracked the door to look inside, suddenly ravenous. Behind the walk in closet, an attic space opened up over the garage, extending a third of the length of the entire house. As Vincent passed in front of the car, his left leg brushing grime from the chrome of the bumper, the man at the pump turned to replace the cap on his tank; a move calculated, or so Vincent would later believe, to conceal his face. The specter of imposter syndrome still occasionally crossed his mind, but it no longer held him back. I'm not lying, Jack said. He shared his own experiences with imposter syndrome and encouraged her to embrace challenges as opportunities for growth. I've read through them, but I can't understand why she would save them. A fly landed on Christine's sandwich. Stunned, but unhurt, he defended himself against the blows which followed, finally rolling out of bed, standing beyond the reach of her physical anger. Maybe cold indifference was the end to it all, but there was no hope in that. The upside growth is phenomenal. In a monotone voice he spread grief to his family, who insanely believed their tears would be of help to Vincent, and, from as close as Alabama, they began to arrive that evening, invading his house and its last elements of privacy until he could do nothing but close his eyes and pretend to sleep. I don't have the same opportunity to get inside her head, but you don't use the access you have. We went to a hotel room for one last fling and he left the next morning. But he corrected himself. I checked. It was like he was suddenly angry at the kids, then he just wandered off to the car. He sat beside her and let her put her frail arms around him, returning the hug with affection. There was little chance he would keep his promise to Amy unless he cut this excursion short. He only heard the sounds she made. I just– Can I get you something from the break room? Coffee? Before Mark could answer, a FedEx driver strode through the front door and handed an overnight letter to the receptionist. Sarah, noticing his difficulty, read the time out loud: One fifteen. But it's just one of the verticals we're laser focused on. I thought it would get tedious, but the children make it different each year. Sarah and I have agreed to take Veronica for the summer, and that's fine. My wife and Sarah had met and from then on the four of us just spent more and more time with each other. He had been known to ask too many questions, to drift into impolite inquisitiveness, but he never did so with any malicious intent and the questions were never received with anything more than annoyance. He hinted as much while we were talking. Angry, he turned the television off. The room was quiet for a moment, filled only with the soft hum of the air conditioning. What city, please? came the operator's voice. Oh, you know, the usual. Then a third voice interrupted: Joel Alexander? she asked, the surprise on her face reflected as anxious terror in Joel's eyes. I'm working on fostering a more collaborative environment within the team. He doesn't always seem affectionate. Mark shook his head and could think of nothing to say. What had started as a pleasant walk had become tiresome as it neared mid-day. A beleaguered gray Valiant was positioned at the pump behind him. You're wrong, and you're going to hurt your daughter. Quickly, the forest grew thick, the light darkened, shut off by the canopy of branches and leaves above. Some were familiar, some were new, but he could not recall Karen knowing any of them. Mark followed, hurrying before the door could close and lock. And the way his eyes looked down at my waist. It did not look like the church in which they were wed, and it certainly was not the bed and breakfast they had reserved for the reception. Together the walked across the fertile ground until they had arrived at their usual picnic spot. His hair was thinning and lightly gray. The parts of the programs I wrote didn't fit well with the whole. Vincent remembered clearly when Karen called to him from the bathroom, fear in her voice. The muffled voice too close to his wife's and the small grief of his daughter too overwhelming. I. The tiny hand made Karen feel strong. It seemed as if he had never been asleep: clear thoughts and an unmuddled mind allowed him to instantly assess the situation, without the usual morning disorientation. Johnny acts just like Tommy did three years ago? Sure, Sarah said, some students remind me of ones I taught before, but just when you've pigeon-holed one, he or she will break out of the mold. He was surprised to learn that he had so much in common with this man. Help Veronica grow up. Then crossing lake [whatever] into South Carolina, the trees receded from the roadside, and the land was more open around the interstate. How long have you been out here, trying to get a ride? Not that long today. It seems that the client has requested some major last-minute changes to the software. He would go during the week when he could chose to sit close in, risking contact with the other fans, or he could retire to the upper deck where he could watch unmolested. Tim shook his head, and said, No. Jack made a squealing noise which sounded like no. This is the most tumultuous, energetic, frenetic time in the history of human civilization. They'll grow up strangers. Jack and Martha weren't in when I called, so I didn't get a chance to ask them, but I think we've got everything covered. Shocked, Vincent asked, Then you know about Karen? Timothy nodded. Drop your bag right there. The last time I saw you, you were just a little girl, he said, indicating a place about a foot below her head with his hand. He offered it gingerly to Veronica. He walked into his daughter's room, then sat gently on the edge of her bed. When Joey left me, I got bitter. Meant in jest, this statement seemed less truthful than anything Tim had said in the wake of the setting sun. Good morning, Vincent. The six of us and our friends, Jack and Martha. Closer to sleep now, Vincent heard a rustling then the soft clicking of the door being shut. He'll call. Where are you taking me? she asked, smiling. It will pass, he thought. And? He has a woman living with him, she said. His wife's flesh inches away, a woman could pass and Vincent's neck would twist imperceptibly, unconsciously to watch, to evaluate and judge. I'm going to play some softball with the kids in case anyone wants to join. Then I asked if she was married. The interstate was two lanes in this direction, and an odd twist of traffic fate had left him traveling behind a long line of cars, led far away by two drivers who insisted on keeping their speedometers as close to fifty miles per hour as possible. He put his nails into his mouth and tasted the rich blood. She yelled instructions to him, but his flailing arms beat the water and her cries went unheard. She patiently waited, sipping her coffee, actively blanking her mind against the poetry. Sarah wore a wounded expression, as if she could guess the contents of their conversation, and though he knew denial was pointless, Vincent forced a smile, exposing his teeth mechanically. It's been nothing short of impressive. I must have tried twenty times at all hours of the day and night, but you're never here. He drove past it once, looking for it on the wrong side of the street. It appeared to be man made, but Tim could not tell. Hours passed, and the bug that had once seemed insurmountable began to unravel. I'm ready then, Vincent said. Vincent wanted to offer her more than just confusion and indecision, but this answer, though unsatisfactory, seemed most truthful. As promised, the granola bars were good, but Vincent was still surprised. It's a compromise, Alec said. Don't apologize to me, she said. The door opened before Vincent could ring the bell. I make them myself. The baby sitter looked relieved when Vincent came through the door, her tolerance for the game at an end. Tim went on to the next column. This was the fifth time the three of them had eaten together. This is unbelievable, Jack said. He had read papers about UML, had seen it used in academic circles, and now here it was at the spear point of technology and commerce. The single bulb beside the door pooled warm yellow light out onto their lawn. My sister-in-law, Sarah. I couldn't take programming any more. He sent messages to his team members, seeking their input and feedback, determined to address the team dynamics is sue. But the question did not come, not now. Meals were prepared and offered. Vincent held his daughter's hand as they walked. I heard about it when it happened. In an instant Mark had a vision of an empty office space on the other side of the door, these few people he had seen this morning were pretending, putting on a play for his own benefit, and was he part of it now, or still the dupe? The mark? He stood up, and with a furtive look toward the inner door, leaned across the receptionist's desk to snoop at her monitor. Vincent, seated behind the wheel, started the car. I realize this is a big step. Get some sleep, Veronica, he said. You've got to eat more than that. The two men got out of the truck, leaving the door spread open like garish red wings. Really, Vince, this is a painful topic. Her eyes were forward, locked in to whatever she was typing, an email, an instant messaging conversation, some data entry task? Whatever it was, she typed fast. He's smart, too. Mark thought about that for a moment. It was almost a joke how much like kids they were, holding hands in public, kissing while they were waiting at the bus stop. This summer stay isn't free, Vincent. On the weekend he does. That's insane, he said, hoping his rising voice would lend credence to the argument. It doesn't matter. He left the couch, joining Vincent at the table, where his friend had begun to sift through the cards, stirring them with his free hand. It's not sold on holidays, but I bought plenty earlier this week. Why else would she be doing work in his garden? She could have been a landscaper. The result was left in the graceless hands of something less than chance, but more than forced destiny. Vincent carefully strapped himself in. And I wasn't invited? Maybe next time, Joel said stiffly. She brushed against Vincent, there being not enough room for even her small frame to make it through unmolested; like a child, he savored the closeness and enjoyed her smell. It was a risk, as they hadn't tested it extensively, but at this point, they had little to lose. Her skin was pale, almost white, but even without makeup her face was youthful, colored red around cheek and lips, a smooth complexion. Look at this, Vincent, she said, and her voice was the second reminder, higher, with less inflection than his wife's. You're home early, she said. Do you love your wife? Would all that love go away if she cheated on you? I don't think that's possible. You drive safely, and make sure you give me a call when she's back. That's what he wanted to do. So take a little help. Think what you like, but if that's the case why did he ream Dave for being late yesterday. It was an eye into the soul of Vincent's home. Vincent decided that pushing the issue would only make him appear to be desperate. Several nearby trees provided a drifting shade for the picnic, but still there was a large portion of blue sky visible to their right, where the land sloped away to a river bank. Hi, the word was barely audible. It'll be just one minute. I'm not abandoning my daughter, said Vincent with a forcefulness he did not feel. But I believe that healthy deba te can lead to better solutions. The Bach concerto is very well done. Each step a faltering one, he marched into the second room. He held up the column for Vincent again. I don't hate her, Vincent said, not believing his own words. They're even better if you eat them in more than one bite. How do you plan to get around? Vincent asked, the thought suddenly striking him. She had it easy, snoozing the whole way. Light poured through from the picture window, immediately changing the pallor of the room, if not the house. No, Tim said. They would dry invisibly, forever in darkness, never afforded the luxury of a garish red display, or the calm closure of a final breath, she would cry on, her father impotently unable to plug the wound he had opened, and unwilling to help the child heal it herself. Is it? Absolutely. Things are still a little rough. The nervousness was still there, though. At any rate, so she waits in the lobby of this theater, fuming, so angry she could cry. Her feet and head remained unseen and he wondered if she were awake. Friends of ours. The thought of entering his deserted house chilled him; the silence, the empty rooms, the tiny reminders of his dead wife would oppose him. But I don't remember that at all, Vincent said. One girl began to ring up his groceries, the other placed them in plastic bags as they rolled down the polished metal chute. For a moment she swore she would never look back into that subdivision, never involve herself with Vincent's life. Vincent and I trust you both. But just imagine for one second that I may know what's best for her. Nervous moments passed for Vincent, wondering if he had been exposed. Arriving at the foot of her driveway, the faded yellow house with the rusted green Buick parked in front, familiarity began to calm her. Over the years he had struggled against the larger chain stores, fighting to keep the clientele he had serviced for so long, but he was shrewd and worked hard. It was a marathon session, filled with technical ja rgon and heated debates, but Alex was in his element. Then, with a sound that pierced the quiet like a jet plane, a car passed by on the road less than three lengths of his body away. High school had been a mixed bag of experiences for him. Joel knew that it would be fruitless to argue further. Though the woman was old she was competent and cautious, always carefully watching the children under her supervision. I found it, she said. She must just be scared. You don't have to decide right away, and I won't be upset if you say no. When I hold Veronica she asks for you. At the bottom of the hill, out of the range of their voices, Sarah and the three children all looked up at them, unnoticed spectators for the remainder of the conversation. As he approached Mr. He wisely left Veronica with her aunt, Sarah, who gladly held the child in her arms, or held her hand by her side, whichever was necessary and appropriate, not needing to think what gesture would comfort Veronica, not needing to second guess her emotions. Did I interrupt you? Tim asked. The project had been a turning point, and the confidence he had gained had opened doors to new opportunities. Mrs. Richard gets that way when he's stressed out. The long moments of crying soon to be realized tears of fear in the car on the way. He pushed back against its front edge to gain an extra few inches of room to maneuver. Though he had seen this building many times, it was not what he expected. Don't you miss baseball? No, I catch the games on radio. The microwave hummed with energy, spinning the bag of popcorn around in a lighted circle. Did I leave off that detail? I digressed before I arrived at the point of my story. He believed that she could sway Joel to her side, even when he was desperately opposed to that course of action. Not that you don't look great, but isn't that a little casual for a meeting with your boss? You just don't understand retail, sweetie. And then it clicked, I know you, Mark said. He put his arms around her, pulling her onto his lap. I can't see anything wrong with that plan, said Vincent. Vincent, you're abandoning her. You need each other, and she needs you far more than you need her, but she's your responsibility. You and Joel were right. Mark stood up from her chair and tried to look casual. I just can't always give it to her. It was a hopeless fantasy, a childish tease that caused his head to ache. Alex, in the spirit of the game, decided to take a daring approach. Did you sleep well, Vincent? He yawned. Oh yeah, she nodded her head. Vincent knew that this was a lie he told himself at times like these, when he was a mere inches from a woman's body, when he could feel the heat from her skin. He seated Amy directly opposite from where his wife had sat, hoping this would dispel any thoughts of replacement from his daughter's mind, but Veronica did not notice this detail, or feel the emotions ascribed by her father. Amy brushed past Timothy to get a closer look at his creation. Silence and darkness followed. Does that make sense? No, thought Vincent, but said nothing. Mark's peers had argued to a place of near violence about technical issues, pedagogic principles, coding styles, and even the names of functions and variables, and yet no one in his University – graduate, undergraduate, or professor – had ever been what Mark could call excited. Except when you think process, you think that maybe there's a system, or a plan. At that time it didn't make any sense to me. Johnson smiled warmly. He pushed the half drunk glass away. The x-axis is time, Mark said, feeling confident. Joel and the children arrived just as he set the platter in the center of the picnic table. There was a large workbench along one wall, with a pegboard of tools and accessories. Though I didn't know you were having trouble finding me. I came back to Atlanta, got a job, got an apartment, and I've been living here since. The office greeted him with its familiar hum of activity. He placed his hand on her naked hip and felt the skin rise into gooseflesh beneath his touch. When she reached the crowd around Karen on the far side of the river she broke through the circle and saw her closest friend staring blankly at the sun. They exchanged pleasantries, and Alex couldn't help but express his gratitude. Nothing came to mind. No, Joel countered. How was the road trip? Sarah asked. You're just improved, you're not on top of the heap. Burned by emotion, his mind replayed the events of the afternoon. In her apartment, Amy walked across the pale blue carpet, stopping in front the stereo to turn the volume down to an all but inaudible level. Joel poured more Scotch over the melting ice in Vincent's glass, but failed to refill his own. It's better than nothing. Sarah interrupted, Vince, I'm not sure this is best for Veronica. Facially, there were aspects that set them apart, but their bodies were so alike, and their minds so in tune with each other. The children screamed with joy, especially Veronica, who had never seen fireworks so close and personal. One afternoon, Alex received an email from Mark with a subject line that read, Code Review Request. At the passenger door, Vincent lifted the chrome handle, but it was still locked and he had to wait for Joel to start the engine before he noticed Vincent on the other side. He tore open the envelope, noting the red, hand-shaped stamp on its front with the clean letters marking it Return to sender, and read the letter he hoped never to see again. Why did he break it off? What happened? She shrugged, I don't really know. What? Vincent asked. This is insane. Good night, guys, he said. Keane threw his hands up in apology, then said, I didn't mean to cheat you. Stacy nodded, saying, At the very least you should help her to address these concerns, but I think her fear goes beyond that. It was as though a path through a dense forest had suddenly become clear. Not too safe. Vincent turned around to look back at Sarah, but she was not there. Though the rejection continued for the remainder of the calls, Vincent's optimism persisted. She calls home. She let the blinds fall closed. Did he say anything, or just gasp? He woke up and we talked about it for a few minutes. What's up? This may strike you as a little odd, Vincent began, but I've run into a problem. You look great, he said, staring directly, openly at her breasts. They never spoke about it. When it's all over, if you need me I'll be there, but you have to help Veronica through this. The alarm on his smartphone roused him from his brief slumber, and Alex awoke with renewed determination. Thanks. Inside lights were on in the ground level room. It was just a phase, he decided. It was hardly a fair test. In this way, two men sharing the same small space of air, let the forty-five minute drive pass without speaking a single word to each other. There are times when I can barely get out of bed each morning. But just as he was about to turn off his computer, an email notification popped up on his screen. What happened? Rachel hissed. Come on. Go ahead. Thornton wasted no time. Amy looked puzzled. They both were silent, Karen disappointed, Vincent trapped. I'll be back in a minute to tuck you in. The river boys had drifted downstream and now were walking along the near bank, intent on entering the water again, beginning their journey anew. The weekend had left both father and daughter exhausted. And the relationship usually never lasted into the next semester, regardless of whether the student took another of his classes. Vincent guessed she was tired of talking and he was content to let her stop. I have a meeting tomorrow, and it's. It climbed, an incline that weaved, turned and dipped before rising again, as though the engineers of this road had been long time fans of the small roller coaster, but the experience was tedious and decidedly unthrilling without rails. Just as he was about to close his laptop and get some much-needed sleep, one article caught his eye. This is good, she said, swallowing. My job became the end of it all. His wallet and keys were next to each other on a lamp table in the hall, where Vincent had placed them each and every evening after work since he and Sarah had moved into this house. At Timothy's door she pounded with three knocks. The walk to the top of the stairs, and the ensuing preparation for bed had opposite effects on Vincent and Karen. Community. I'm taking lunch, Amy said. Eyes forward, Vincent groped at the stereo's knobs and buttons until he had initiated the search process. It rose from the ground in levitated bliss, striking the wall, bouncing back to Vincent's left, the tubes and brushes inside ballooning outward in their own directions. He knew that if he could just remain in this state of denial and silence for long enough, the smoke would clear, both wife and daughter would again be happy, and he could continue with his life. I can hold you, or any other woman for as long as I God damn like, but the woman I love will never come home. Vincent chuckled softly to himself, the said, Sorry, Joel. Thornton and the senior executives loomed ahead, and he couldn't help but feel a knot of anxiety in his stomach. It was far from perfect, but it was a start. Well, Vincent said, not exactly full. Didn't even stop to see if she was unhurt. Veronica sniffled, calling attention to herself. No man shared between them. They keep this place like a meat locker. He had moved a considerable distance, both laterally and up the hill, when he stopped to rest, wrapping himself around a tree. The stoicism was unbroken. Have you read this? he asked. He passed the hitchhiker and gravel spat wickedly against the underside of his vehicle, kicking up from the shoulder of the highway in intermittent, unrhythmic spurts. Let's not overreact. My numbers are so far up this month it's only a matter of time before Smitty is taking me out to lunch just to learn my secret. Vincent said nothing, allowing Joel's rage to burn silently. You did so well in school, though, Vincent said. The driver in rear failing to honk this time, but with his face just inches from the street, Vincent heard clearly the voice of his dead wife from the seat beside him. Thornton's office. Amy dropped her fork loudly onto her salad plate. Behind it was a field, sparsely littered with oaks, and a half dozen picnic tables. As they parked Tim could see the small round duck pond which was the main attraction. Smitty stood at the door to his office on the right, silently berating. While we were waiting on the guy to seat us I just said, ÔGolly, I hate eating alone. Ah, work can be a harsh master sometimes. Two days in a row and Smitty still lets you off the hook. I acknowledge that I'm young, but I'm committed to this project's success. That's not why I came, Tim said. It was mid-afternoon on Sunday. That makes me feel better, Veronica said. Locked. What Amy could not see was Vincent and Sarah, his houseguest. She then put her back to the screen, the still scarred image waiting impatiently, as if inconvenienced by Vincent's presence. What's the big deal? I didn't want to stop, Vincent said. She was trying to save a boy, and she drowned. Something prevented him from completing the motion, from stopping the car, as he would for a dog, or even an empty cardboard box. Thornton, he would view it as a chance to showcase his skills and growth as a developer. Unpainted and plain, but nonetheless, feminine nails terminated her delicate, tan fingers. Bleary-eyed, Veronica came into the kitchen. Behind Vincent, near the end of his street, the two men heard the distinct sound of a car's engine racing loudly through first and second gear. Nothing, he said with a shrug. Karen had filled it so completely that it was jammed shut. Change your name, or drink yourself stupid, but you will always remember. But if you screw up your bottom line, your business could fail, you might have to declare bankruptcy. Lisa exchanged a glance with Tom before speaking. My pleasure, he said. Now Mrs. I don't know the first thing about it. Does he seem distracted when they play together? Like he's thinking of something else. Not to the extent she needs. Timothy chewed a fingernail, nervous at this question. His pulse raced with the feeling that he was home, that the woman across from him was his love, that his wife had never died. She shook her head, I don't want to go if you're not going to be there. She has to be. Vincent waited with a self-satisfied look on his face, as though he knew his friend could find no fault with the work. The door to the car opened, and a teenage boy stepped out. I'm assuming you want to keep it cheap? Yeah, she said. His clothes were soaked through, clinging in heavy folds to his skin, and he shivered, unsure of where he was. It's just his way. With a final nod of gratitude to the gorilla, Alex made his way back to the reunion, ready to rejoin the festivities with a newfound sense of peace and perspective. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, a sense of déjà vu washing over him. Tim sat in the green chair nearest to the stack of papers, then lifted the first one from the top of the pile. If you would just support me. I don't think anyone was surprised, and no one tried to get me back. This was the decision he had made. It's true. He declined with silence. Veronica took her place opposite her father in silence, eyes downcast with the remainder of her fear and guilt. It's his usual spiel. It was a few minutes after six o'clock, the sun still high in the summer sky. Vincent was surprised to find himself alone with Joel. But you guys better clear out. I'll keep that in mind, Mark said. Why didn't you? I don't know. Vincent alternated between the book and television until late in the evening. The first bin nearest the door was for popular music, new releases featured prominently with garish or stylish cardboard cutouts to draw attention. You knew this woman well enough to answer that question. He decided that it was futile to pursue that line of reasoning. The game began, and the park echoed with laughter as the two teams strategized, dodged, and raced to capture the opposing team's flag. Thinly beautiful. Buy me an American Whirler, Sarah commanded. Sarah put a plate of two pieces of toast before Vincent. That won't work around here. Some twenty feet to the left of the doorway an enclosure jutted into the space of the attic. What do you do? he asked. Jack, said Martha, I'm so glad you're finally being honest. Karen stood to clear the dishes, and Veronica returned to the den to watch television. But there's no time to look. It sounded like a scripted response, a line meant only for him. Young. Then he doubted himself yet again. [one] Motionless, Vincent Fehr sat in his car at the far end of the interstate off ramp, watching traffic move inexorably at his rear, the commonplace anxiety and stress of commuting magnified by the potential horror of being rear-ended at sixty-five miles per hour. It was simply a circular walk through the woods, and at first Sarah had brought interesting plants or animal life to their attention, but it was not long before interest faded and the hikers found themselves putting one foot before the other in what amounted to a forced march back to the family station wagon. She's lost her mother, Vincent continued, and I don't feel like I can be a father to her. Vincent would not stop until he possessed the explicit reasons for Karen to clip each column. He poured the first puddle of batter onto the hot frying pan, oil popping as it spread outward to engulf the center of the pan. Smitty is as heartless as they come. I'll be fine. Vincent seemed not to notice, for the window on his side was not even rolled down, but Joel, seated behind the wheel, immediately began cranking the handle on the door. I'm starving. No time. Rachel - her ancient face whiter than usual - answered before Vincent had a chance to ring the bell. Something about it was familiar. That would be great, Vincent said, surprised by the offer. Congratulations. I'll be back in about an hour. The bridge over the interstate was under construction; orange barrels striped with silver reflective tape lined the road in both directions. She sat down at the end of their large, dark wood table. Are you O. Are you O. Oblivious, Amy cleaned on. I usually get some sparklers for the kids, and a gross of bottle-rockets. Timothy passed it all, no doubt without a second glance, driving only to reach his own space at the top of the hill, at the back of the complex. In the meeting room, they sat across from each other, laptops open. How have you been, angel? he asked. Tim stepped back, allowing Vincent admission into the apartment. Fehr, I wasn't going to say anything, but -- Stacy faltered, unsure of her next words. Vincent imagined he could feel, hear, the blood and life flowing out him to be absorbed by the mud, filtered to nothingness by the rocks. You have good reason to be scared, he thought. They walked together up the stairs, the daily routine engraved in their minds, she knew what he would do next, and accompanied him to play what little role she could. They had visited no final objective, arrived at no goal. Stacy nodded her agreement and said, I think in most circumstances your idea would work, but now, for Veronica, it's simply the wrong thing to do. He returned to his laptop, reviewing his project documentation and the improvements he had made. That's great, Sarah said. Veronica liked only pepperoni on hers, so Vincent, with a pair of blue handled kitchen scissors, opened the shrink wrapped pepperoni package, then checked on Veronica's progress with the cheese. It served as a reminder that, despite the obstacles they faced, they were a capable and resilient team. She was successful, and with the shallow breath of air, her mind came into focus: she could concentrate on slowly swimming her way to land. As he turned to leave, he felt a renewed sense of calm wash over him. In the kitchen, he opened a can of Coke and took it with him as he walked from room to room, examining the framed snapshots that hung at intervals on the walls and filled in the gaps of empty surfaces on desks and tables. As the discussion in the room began, Alex's mind raced. It was just a receptionist's workstation, so there probably wasn't even a password, or it should be easy to guess. Today, he was assigned to a project that promised to be the ultimate test of his abilities. How did this happen? Alec asked. Vincent had just come home from work, you could see he still had on his suit, and this woman was planting bulbs in that bare area right in front of his porch. Outside, where this conversation would not have been possible, she would have been able to see him exposed, but here, across the small length of a table, he was concealed. Have you ever wanted to change age groups? Teach older kids? No, she said. Resigned, he fell onto his back, only his labored breathing and the rain making any sound. A silence fell between them, interrupted at a distance only by Veronica's laughter. The girl looked on without interest, then disappeared down the hallway. Is it time? Vincent asked backing away from the door, looking around for the portable phone. He's just playing. She needs you. She needs you. You know that, don't you? She nodded. It'll save you money. Vincent watched her thin legs move, fascinated by the hinted outline, the muscle and bone concealed under loose fitting denim blue jeans. Alex's throat tightened as his worst fears were realized. It was a small step toward rebuilding trust, but it was a step in the right direction. Tim turned away from the door and sat back down on the couch. I've got the perfect place. He walked past the stunned woman, hearing a television in the den to his right, but the room was empty. Andi had to run back inside, I can't remember why, but it left her alone with Veronica. This is the place. It seems that the project has faced delays that we hadn't anticipated. All the pages of the notebook were unlined, so the portion which Karen had filled was untidy, the size and shape of the letters changing from day to day, wandering up and down, never parallel to the top or bottom of the page. Good, she said, a little encouraged. Traffic today was held up by a wreck. Anyway, Sarah Todd continued, I wanted to call up Joel and tell him what I had just done. This is what was expected, but not yet. Ethnic groups aside, all the little girls and all the little boys were indistinguishable in Vincent's eyes. How interesting, Jack said. Vincent hurried to catch up. He was determined to show everyone, including himself, that he was more than capable of leading the team to success. He vomited his food into the downstairs toilet then waited until he could begin making phone calls. Again, Joel made a scoffing noise, snorting. Vincent continued the drive, in all effect alone. Vincent sped off down the road. All of his body was stiff with cold and pain, but a jolt fired up his right leg when he pushed off on it. Where's your hometown? INSERT TOWN HERE No jobs there? She shook her head. I'm a History professor at Harris University. He was completely indiscrete and devoted a significant amount of time to building these affairs. He followed her to the front of the store. Yeah, he answered, forcing an air of disbelief into his voice. Then, somewhat prepared to face his daughter and his hosts, Vincent dressed and appeared in the kitchen where Joel waited, reading the paper. Ramirez had a way of offering sage advice that soothed his anxieties. Lisa nodded in agreement. I think she's fine. The vehicle, a five-year-old Chevy Bronco, could not be an example in itself. Yeah, he said with bitterness. And we both know why. I've seen all these things. How do you mean? Vincent asked. One by one the children ate and left for the backyard, where a game of soccer began. I'm needed at the store. You don't agree with me parenting methods, but the least you could do is give me a chance to succeed or fail. With one powerful arm, he wrapped the boy against his chest and swam with effortless sidestrokes towards the shore. The father of one of his conquests-to-be reported him to the school. He replied with a simple Of course and spent the next half-hour mentally preparing himself. I'm stuck, Tim said. He nodded, his voice steady. Smoke from the food intertwined with gray wisps from the citronella candle. Amy was a result of the drowning of his wife, and that pain tempered his own acceptance their relationship. Mark was left alone. So he was persistent? Vincent asked. Vincent heard the despair in her voice, the utter absence of hope. She has bad eyesight. The children played, though with less energy, and the adults drank cocktails or beer and talked about meaningless things, though, as with the children, with less energy. In the end, he always seemed to prosper. On the third ring - much sooner than Vincent anticipated - Tim picked up. In the market for some high quality classical recordings? she asked. It could have been anyone's dog, or it could have been a stray. He walked through the front door reluctantly, unwilling to accept the empty house. Jack ignored the dig at his integrity and began: There is an ethics professor at my school, he is older now, but when he first took the job he had just turned thirty. It was an ugly animal. And I have access to some. He means a lot to her. So, Vincent, Joel began, how is work going? It's getting better, Vincent said. He's all gloom and doom, but he loves it. I believe you're the right person for it. I'm Tim Scheaffer. The glass storm door was unlocked. He walked to the front door, which stood wide open, only the glass storm door was shut against the world. It looks pretty complicated. Two weeks passed in a blur, and the day of the client presentation arrived. With a sizzle, Vincent placed the first piece of meat on the grill, charring its surface black with stripes. I'm not real hungry actually. Where is she? he screamed across the lawn, slowing back down to a walk. I'd like to move to the private school here, but there just aren't many openings. There was a smell other than coffee in the air, sweet, faint, hovering between pleasant and distracting. When you say ÔSarah' you do mean your wife, right? Fuck off. At that moment, he leans in to give her a quick kiss - but no peck on the check, because I saw their lips meet and a flash of his tongue go into her mouth. He walked away, empty coffee cup in hand, heading to the upstairs break room under the pretense of getting a refill, but Vincent knew that Keane walked away so he would have no chance at rebuttal or query. Vincent felt uncomfortable, like an intruder into someone else's life, but the couple refused to notice him, preferring to concentrate on their anger. She laughed, You know me too well, Vincent. Fear jolted Vincent awake as he realized how close he was to hypothermia. He read the time on his watch: eight thirty-five. We need your help, Martha said. He understood her meaning and could appreciate the caution, but Vincent wanted to convince her nonetheless. Through squints, he made out that Amy had finished the kitchen. Karen could not hear the mumbled response, but Veronica's head lifted, and she looked straight at her mother before turning down again. Karen will still be here, Amy said. Instead of handing you an I-9 form to fill out, they're going to hand you a legal document where you agree not to sue and they agree not to report you for fraud– What? Fraud? Boilerplate. The imposter syndrome still lurked in the shadows, but he had learned to channel it i nto a drive for improvement rather than a source of self-doubt. After high school, he had immersed himself in his studies and his work, determined to prove himself as a software developer. Karen saw the fear in his doughy face. There are still some loose ends. Veronica hasn't slept well for some time. Dressed like her, playing her role, right down to the ugly shoes and the jealous thoughts, and all she had for me was help. I looked like her. One sunny morning, as Alex sat in his office reviewing a report, Sarah burst in, her expression a mix of excitement and concern. Are you sure you're not reading into this? I'm not reading into anything. The meeting with Mr. There were numerous clippings from newspapers and some personal correspondence. Sure, Sarah said. Think of this as your second home. Vincent languidly threw a Nerf football to the children. Vincent knew he was capable of raising a physically healthy child, but doubted he could he control her changing moods, her changing needs. Vincent, seated, accepted his beer from Timothy, who pulled a chair from behind the desk and sat down opposite from him. Vincent carefully lifted one from the top of the deck. Vincent thought for a moment, silently watching the shoulder of the road. You honestly think Smitty is going easy on me because of what's happened to me? Keane shrugged and turned in his chair to face Vincent. God, I am so tired, she said. Thornton offered a nod of acknowledgment as Alex took his seat. All appeared to be by different artists, but with similar themes and techniques. Little more than a child herself, she stood on Vincent Fehr's front porch telling this man how to raise his daughter. The hillside was dimly illuminated by the truck's lights, worn from brightness to a dull orange as strength had left the battery. Bugs getting to you? Vincent asked. He took his seat in his cubicle and busied himself for a few minutes with some unfinished work, then produced a scrap of paper from his front pocket. It's not fair to her. That's true, Vince. She recognized that he was drifting away, and knew that at these times he had a capacity to say strange things, mixing his dreams with the reality of the bedroom. A notebook, a book of poetry, and a birthday card. I was looking at her in the middle of the road and the next thing I knew my foot was on the brake pedal and I was skidding. I will, Vincent said, opening the door for her. Was I wrong there. He laughed at his own joke, huffing tersely. Driving home one day after work she was in the road. Vincent had no outward reaction, though. He went into the kitchen to prepare a makeshift meal, then ate in the den, watching a game between the Mariners and the Blue Jays. It struck Vincent that he could find Veronica's birth certificate somewhere in the house. Three days, Michael. I didn't have anything else going on tonight. Vincent continued, She needs to be away from here, in a relaxed atmosphere where she can start to sleep without nightmares. I put your bags into the guest room, he said. Or you would have been in there with her. The trip would go at a snail's pace if he were forced to make polite conversation the whole time. What? What kind of answer is that? How long have you been in town? Not that long. I should get some sleep. It's my choice, Timothy said. Vincent stood to check on the noodles. You don't have a television, do you? Vincent asked. What's the occasion? Does there have to be an occasion? he asked. Vincent was about fifteen minutes early so he stayed in the car listening to a call-in talk show on the radio. That's exciting. I know what she needs, Amy. I do - Bullshit. He would give it a few more minutes then leave. Vincent at first, wondered what had sent the boys running, but then saw for himself the line of cars - almost invisible through the obscuring trees - and the unmistakable cylinder of a steel trash can chained to an oak. I don't want to go without you, she said, her eyes glistening with the beginnings of tears. His child's voice sounded through the woods, adding to the illusion of an intact family. She frowned, I guess I'll need to pick one up at the hotel. Daddy has to work during the week. You're being completely unfair. Mark sat down at the big table closest to the whiteboard. Tim had no idea how he could broach the subject of a live in roommate so he continued along the same lines. Surveying the kitchen, there was no evidence of a meal left to be seen. There were so many trees, and the mountains still have snow on them. In his own room, he contemplated telling her the news tonight, an act which was heartless whether delayed or performed immediately: Veronica would suffer regardless, and Vincent knew he could save her from the pain by merely keeping his daughter for the summer, not sending her to a half-remembered relative, but somehow, at some point, he had begun to believe that this exile was for the best, that it was, impossibly, for both of them, his selfishness retreating into a vague altruism he could not identify; he imagined that the words he said were true, knowing that at best he only spoke half-truths, and he imagined that his motives were good, knowing that at best his motives were good for only Vincent. When we were engaged he fooled around once or twice, but he has been faithful since our wedding day. If you still don't want her to go back to Rachel, we can find someone else. It would make things easier on you, but not me. My first attempt was a failure, though. I listen to your show every day, but this is my first time calling. To the dismay of the store's other customers, Vincent repeated this several times before getting in his car. The orange and white canvas strips, interwoven to form the seat bottom and back of the chair were out of place in Timothy's drab apartment. This is where we need to be. Scanning the collection of newspaper clippings, Vincent saw no relationship or theme among the group of eleven. The base is as weak as everything else. Standing beside his car, he took a swig of the drink tentatively into his mouth. The clothes she wore were baggy, intentionally chosen to conceal disproportionately large thighs and hips. And it's only your second attempt? Yeah. What's the matter, Mr. They had faced a coding challenge that had stumped them for days and had emerged victorious. I think you should call the doctor, she said, her voice muffled through the door. Sure, Tim said. Vincent said, You're part of the problem. Well I think it's good for both you and your daddy, Amy said. He was beginning to think that Amy was right, that Veronica would be irrevocably harmed by his actions, but in the nuances of her fallen face, he found a knowledge and a certainty that comforted him in his decision. *** That evening, Alex found himself in his apartment, pacing back and forth as he replayed the meeting in his mind. Veronica entered the room, and Vincent, forewarned by the quiet coming from the den, stood to leave, touching her head lightly, as if in blessing, as he passed. Oh, she said, surprised to find her anger abated, I went by Vincent's house. That seems unusual to you? Yes. They spent hours analyzing the code, making adjustments, and running tests, but the bug remained elusive. It was just easier for her to agree. The article itself is common, Vincent said. Joel stood, moving to the liquor cabinet. Because I don't have the strength. There's a lot for you to do in Danville, and you'll have Bobby and Mark to play with. I did the usual check for a wedding ring- she held up her left hand, tugging the base of her ring finger -and he was clean, so I said yes. He gulped, How so? Last night would be a good example. Vincent looked into Veronica's room, standing at the threshold. They lay in bed together, Vincent's mind slowly turning itself off, winding down into sleep. This accomplished, Vincent compressed the book and again pulled the drawer, but he met resistance once more, and the drawer could not be opened. Maybe this time she'll stop by herself, he thought. Vincent found himself strangely attracted to her, as he supposed, he was to all women. She's inside. She nodded assent. The palm of her hand whitened under the strain, a small indented arc crossing her hand. Yeah, he said. Yeah, he said. Yeah, he said. Let's head down to engineering. He could barely make out the title of her book in the dim light. Confused by the question she did not answer for a moment, then said, I don't know. She took her bags from the back seat and smiled at Vincent through the inside of the car. This is the only store in the area that keeps the air in the aisles colder than the air in the frozen food section. If I came in there with my hair all big and hot pants and sandals she would have snubbed me. Now, he wanted to say, but knew this was not factually correct. If Sarah were to die you couldn't just close up your doors and lose money until you felt like working again. Karen was rejuvenated; Vincent became inordinately tired. Didn't you say something about an award last month? he asked. The clock on the dash board read eight twenty-two, and it was a few minutes fast; he would still be late, but had a shot at avoiding a reprimand from the sales manager. You understand? I mean, it's revolutionary, but in a regressive way. He knew it would be bad if drinkable at all. So how does this go back to Joel's wife? I went to Boone. Amy considered, then said, I think you're right. She's a beautiful child, Tim said. Good morning, Amy, he said. That sounds nice. And I can assure you that ÔMrs. Sarah took his empty glass and plate to the sink. Well, you'll just have to step in and help if he suddenly changes into a rabid beast and tries to rip out my throat. He had proven himself to the senior executives, but more importantly, he had proven to himself that he was capable of overcoming his imposter syndrome. Tim approached the child, bending down so he would be even with her. Even Vincent, untrained in painting on any level, could see the hesitating corrections around the nose and ears of the face on the canvas, and could imagine his wife biting her tongue in lonely agony as each touch of color moved the end result farther from what was in her mind, or maybe closer, but always out of her control. What age group do you teach? First grade. She couldn't have been eighteen and he looked as if he was about to jump her in the front lawn. This was the moment Mark had been waiting for. Dark shadows beneath her clothing imprinted themselves suggestively into Vincent's mind. Vincent took it, examining the art closely. Faced with a similar task, Vincent believed he would have lost control, especially behind the wheel of a truck. Tim had a different philosophy. Tim picked up the paperback anthology of poetry, glanced at the cover and the back, then held it up to Vincent. Well, how about pizza? Pizza? Really? Yes. The lawn and its occupants were lit only by the flickering from citronella candles. There might be. He was elected to go to Vincent. But nothing happened, Tim said. No, he said finally. He had looked more substantial from a distance. Joel thought for a moment, clearly annoyed that this conversation continued. Are we ready to go? he asked. There's so much more! Mark nodded and tried to look serious. He couldn't think of anything else to say to her, and with the noise of the wind and the other cars, it was difficult for them to hear each other, so Tim sat silently, waiting for the quiet of the park to speak. There, in the bottom drawer of their armoire, he found a small fireproof box. It was a long time ago. He presented the changes with clarity and conviction, addressing every question and concern with grace and expertise. He hurried his pace toward the children, too weak - too unsure - to run but still confident that Sarah was in danger. Please, daddy. Shattered malt liquor bottles glittered on the rocks below. He turned away from the truck and its orange glow to concentrate again on the climb. As the meeting concluded, Alex left the conference room with a newfound sense of confidence. Don't give us such a glowing endorsement, Joey, Said Jack. In this way he progressed, but as the slope steepened, Vincent lost his grip, holding dirt and mud that was too soft to support him, and he began to slide backwards, toward his truck. Now you tell me your wife just died and you don't have it together enough to take care of your daughter, Amy said. It's done. He drove to Music Near and Far, the record store where Amy worked . Of course I don't understand, but you should, and you should feel something for your daughter. Hers? I don't think so. As Alex charged toward the opposing team, waving his arms and shouting, he became the center of attention. He checked his watch, and, seeing it was almost quarter till eleven, began to feel the sharp emptiness in his stomach. A few miles from the state line, garish advertisements for fireworks began to appear, towering billboards in primary colors, each stand proclaiming to be closer than the one before. She could not turn to face the thoughts, but stood frozen in dreamlike hesitancy waiting for her eyes to crack, for the light to enter through parted lids and the nightmare to end. How old is Billy now? asked Karen. He opened the package of cheese for her, then put a grater and cutting board on the table for Veronica to use. He had no stomach for meeting any of Joel's friends, despite the glowing review that they were hipsters. The imposter syndrome still lurked at the fringes of his mind, but he had developed the tools to confront it head-on. Afraid of the dead child, Vincent hesitated before crossing in front of the car, but Tim passed right by, brushing Vincent to the side. Vincent left the small office, walking back to the truck just as Joel had finished pumping the gas. It did not take long for him to realize that events such as this could devastate a child; that it could, in fact, scar Veronica emotionally. I'm sorry, Vincent, Martha said. The sickness left Vincent; he pulled himself back into the car and drove forward, spitting bile out of his open window. For who could blame a man consumed by such grief? He looked down. Not stop at an exit miles down the interstate, Joel said. Vincent drove home. No, he said, but if I send her to North Carolina and she's unhappy I'll bring her back. Do you know it? Sure, I've used it in a few of my courses. Standing back, looking only through the existing gap, Vincent saw an edge of black fabric, the flare of Amy's skirt. Damn, Jack said. It's a process. Think about your own job, running a hardware store. Answer email. He flipped the pillow so the side wet from her tears faced down. Karen and Vincent would banish a broken appliance or a box of clothes no longer worn to the dark exile of the attic, then, stumbling across this same banished item months or years later, they would decide it had no function and carry it down to the trash, but the process of aging their junk had a place, and there was little chance of Vincent breaking this habit. As if in response, the gorilla huffed and settled into a more comfortable position, its massive arms flexing with effortless power. Strengthened by weakness and indecision, he would send the child away. Public transportation isn't good in Gwinnett County. Joel turned left, though nothing of consequence could be seen in either direction. The first meal was Chinese. Alex recognized a reflection of his younger self in Maya and made it a point to mentor and guide her. He had faced adversity head-on, navigated the storm with unwavering determination, and emerged stronger for it. Vincent was afraid of his daughter. The weeks that followed were a whirlwind of coding, meetings, and relentless problem-solving. He did not know where that was. He had underestimated the amount of cheese they would need so he pushed the tiny strips of white cheese through the sauce with his hand, trying to even its distribution on the pizza. What's the problem? asked Christine, gesticulating with bread and meat. The inward turning distracted her and she found herself wondering what could be causing it. Thanks, he said. Thanks, he said. I just wish Veronica could have shared some of the work. It was empty for him now; the ninth as hollow as symphonies never recorded. I've been observing your progress over the past few months, and I must say, you've shown remarkable growth and dedication. No more than three deep at any one spot, these were the most commonly accessed items in the attic. Ahead, unseen to Joel or Sarah, their two sons caught sight of the first break in the trees. If we waited on you we'd never get drunk. I'll be there, he said, just not all the time. In all likelihood, Karen had cut each of these from the paper after Vincent had read it and left for work. He turned on the T. Satisfied, he placed the pepperoni slices one by one onto the cheese. Atlanta. I can't focus like I should. And I can't remember the last time you've wanted a Saturday off, Sarah said. Karen from Duluth. He maintained a calm and professional demeanor, refusing to let Mark's tactics rile him. We met in the usual way. It's O. He replaced the picture to the table, but inadvertently put it on the wrong side, angled toward the window, the direction opposite of how Karen had arranged it initially. It seems we either get pitching or hitting, but never both in the same year. Which one do we take? It's called 'Moon Falls Trail,' she said, and pointed. The woman had served this neighborhood well for a long time, and Karen had no trouble convincing herself that the near accident yesterday would not be repeated. The children ran in impromptu games of tag, weaving to the tune of unspoken rules between trees and bushes, falling with lit and unlit sparklers, whirling their arms for maximum visual effect. Vincent slowed to a walk, his heart beating strong, his eyes wet with panic. I've got a wife who's a corpse lying six feet underground. Uncertain about how to approach, Tim decided to eliminate the obvious first. At the other end of the concrete lot, a small cabin served as a welcome and information center. I had noticed that. Passion could not be stifled so simply. Don't you know anywhere around here? Not really. Vincent watched between forkfuls of salad. Possibly he had read the article but forgotten it. And don't think you can understand Veronica either. If you let Jack control the conversation, God only knows what we'll end up talking about. The car radio again went wandering from it's set station, but Vincent would have to ignore it this time as traffic in his lane was moving. Don't try that guilt shit with me, she said. Unconcerned Bobby and Mark walked on, prodding each other, but Sarah lingered, waiting for her husband. Amy, I just ran later than - You weren't at work. The glass of Scotch sat unattended for close to seven hours, the ice inside slowly melting from the fatness of its frozen state into the thin water, lessening the drink it polluted, eventually layering itself against the alcohol, a blanket of wasted purity which marked the halfway point of the tumbler. Her mother has died and she has no way of coping with this loss. The children gathered to collect their share of food and water. She stated this so bluntly that he wondered if he was meant to perform this instant. He swallowed, trying to keep pace with inexorable saliva. Are you having a stroke? I smell smoke. She turned to face him. Means nothing, but I got a bonus and an ugly plaque. But neither can you. We both miss mommy a lot, he said. Trapped by the sleeping Veronica, forced to stand guard over her, Vincent craved a few hours of freedom. At times, her sleep and the small movements which accompanied it brought her shirt tail above the waistline of her jeans, exposing an inch or so of Sarah's tanned stomach. Alec stopped in his tracks, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She pulled back the blinds from her window, and looked down on the brightly lit parking lot. After the game, as the sun began to set, the team gathered in a circle, catching their breath and relishing the simple joy of the day. Shy, Tim observed. A man, the blonde jogger, knelt over her attempting resuscitation, but he had given up. After a long time Timothy spoke, Vincent, I knew you needed my help. I want you to hit the ground running. We need you, Mark! Your hiring was my own personal mission. Alex took a deep breath, recognizing that this was more than a routine code review. Something about the incident always troubled him: he was in a place he didn't belong, watching something he shouldn't have seen, with no way to understand it. He had never taken it off, never even noticed it there, advertising his fate and loss to the world. The woman rushed forward, leaving two friends behind, they lingered at a distance, not sure how this encounter would go. The photograph was in color, pale, faded against the gray paper. I came through early this morning, so I don't know what's going to be open - it's Independence Day y'know - but there's a good barbecue place, Hank's. He'll play, or they'll go to the zoo, but his mind will be miles away. A lot of pressure, Joel prompted. They sat diagonally across from each other at the oval kitchen table, Vincent seated on the long side, but near to Sarah, and Sarah seated at the short end. Come on, Timothy said, let's watch the sunset. I've yet to understand why. Vincent had never stopped to look at the pictures before; Karen placed them throughout the house, evenly distributed through time and space, accumulating until this moment. I wasn't working well in the team. Vincent read it over the shoulder of Joel. Dave's sales aren't up, but they're still higher than yours. Alex had not only proven himself to his colleagues b ut also to the most critical judge of all—himself. A jogger ran past, his bright clothing leaving behind the faint smell of sweat. They both were tall, thin, but where she looked athletic, exotic, he was gaunt. He knew the answer to the question, but just wanted to stop Joel's tuneless humming. She signed and handed the clipboard back to him. He stopped to look at her. Martha and Sarah laughed at him, their voices shrill and childish across the lawn. The doorbell rang and Vincent went off the pay for the delivery. I need to check on Veronica, Vincent said, looking at his watch. No, Sarah said. Decaf or regular? Regular, Mark said. Below, the Alexander's house shined warmth out of the darkness. , Veronica said. Good morning, he said. Vincent felt cramped, and had little appetite, but he endured the meal with sips from his beer and infrequent forays into the idle conversation of the table. These things took time, energy, money. Alec led him through the break room, an expansive space with three large, round cafeteria tables, a bank of microwaves and toaster ovens, two refrigerators, a vending machine, and a whiteboard. It's always an issue of earning my worth, and if I stop doing that then I'll be out of there. Some are even well-written -- I doubt that, Tim interrupted. They had arrived at the driveway, and from within Joel's Chevy Blazer, Vincent stared out placidly. They won't leave the path and they'll be back in sight soon. That's the final measure then, Tim said, and Vincent began to believe he was right. This is what the hum was trying to tell him. Smiling, Karen said, Veronica's home. It was almost as much as Vincent could take. It's a good job. Vincent put his hand on his daughter's shoulder. Vincent, encumbered, could not act so easily. He was already exposed, you see. What kind of justification is that? You're hurting her. Will you come with us? Veronica asked. I actually feel really good. Her chest rose and fell. He didn't scream anymore. He could have been an old man. If I don't perform, explained Vincent, and lose my job because of it, I can always migrate to another firm. The time passed slowly, and through Saturday night and most of Sunday, he felt just as he had walking back from the waterfall, feet and legs moving, but the sights were all repetitive, and there seemed to be little point to it all. The expression on Mark's face, a pinched mask of anguish and concern, and then the same on the faces of Bobby and Veronica as they turned, convinced Vincent that his worst fears were true. Good morning, Joel returned. But Joel can help verify my story. Whatever she was trying to communicate to him, he was unable to read the signs. Paradoxically, this contentment went far to dispel his delusion, for in reality, Vincent had never felt at ease with family life, or the responsibilities of either a wife or child. One afternoon, as Alex and Sarah sat in their makeshift war room, surrounded by whiteboards covered in code and diagrams, they encountered a particular ly perplexing issue. (*** find Wordsworth or Coleridge poem with words to this effect. Looking over Vincent's shoulder, Stacy could see Veronica through the glass door. As the night drew to a close, Alex left the reunion with a sense of closure and a renewed sense of self. She doesn't understand. He focused on a space just a few inches above the top of her head, and listened to her speak again, the family resemblance in her voice muting Vincent's ears to the words. You said that already. And he erased that completely flawed UML diagram Jackson was so proud of. Tim passed right by these, moving into the older, less marketed material. Blackness filled his thoughts, his eyes, and the rain fell soft on his face. I know you mean well, but. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. He could recall the days when she lay motionless on their living room sofa, eyes widening in exploration, then slipping shut in sleep, her tiny body unable even to roll. She failed to see that an intimate, yet distancing moment had passed between father and daughter. If she had been an animal, I would have hit the brake without hesitation. The children stared at his back, wondering what had transpired, and Joel, distracted now by Sarah and the effort of pulling the Frisbee from the bush, could not ask Vincent what he had been thinking; that would have to wait until he reached the car. Vincent himself would continue on to his home, deserted, empty. That's ridiculous. The window to this room faced west, allowing less light to enter here than in his own bedroom, but Vincent was nevertheless afforded a long look at his sleeping child. Three marked trails led away into the woods. To Vincent, Sarah became his wife, back from the dead to care for his child, to stand meaninglessly beside him. His imposter syndrome, though it might linger at times, no longer defined him. He walked immediately to Veronica's room upstairs. Amy, who had lost her youth, had grown corpulent, yet Vincent looked at her flesh with the same attraction he now focused upon Sarah. Vincent and Amy had again arrived at an impasse. Traffic was favorable, though, and Vincent made it into work on time, but with only minutes to spare. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? Vincent asked. Good idea, he complimented. It was disgraceful, but my question had been answered. They're going to withdraw the offer. He had understood the fascination at one point, but the understanding had left him. Forgiveness had been asked for, offered, and accepted. Now run upstairs and get ready. Go to hell. I think he would have been back if he had to look at me again. He had been concerned that she would be too angry to reason with, and that the conversation would descend into a series of traded epithets. He ignored most of it, walking slowly to the front door, unanxious for what lay on the other side. A flicker and it died unnoticed in the bright flashes from the sky. She should have a chance to be happy for the summer. The sacrifice of pain carried him forward, tumbling, out of control, until he hit the ground, mud, sticks, and grass sticking to his face. Tim turned, startled. She began to grate the cheese into a small pile; Vincent spread the sauce in thick gobs across the surface of the crust then placed the pizza onto the pan. He could not say that he had tried to kill his own daughter. And Mrs. We get new hires every day, Alec explained. My memory isn't that bad. Turning left onto Club Drive, less than 2 miles from his house, he would try to wake her again. Neither Dr. The sum total of all his actions, beliefs, sleepless nights and restless days came to this: a single man alone in a shell. Veronica's evident happiness during this time was comfort to Vincent, but it could not erase his own impatience. If you can offer no words of comfort because you yourself are so grieved, then at least be with her. Do you even know what to order? Of course not. Churning anger rose within him. We just went on chatting, like two people who really had no stake in each others lives. He shrugged, not hearing the words she said. The phrase determine the future of your role echoed in his thoughts, each repetition driv ing the knot in his stomach tighter. Big hair, was the first thing that entered Vincent's mind. Does Richard spend a lot of time with Billy? asked Karen. Where is she? The bedroom. I know what I want, Sarah chimed. Tim bent to retrieve the only card which had fallen off the table: the nine of Swords. Her eyes were downcast, and she nervously scraped strings of hair from her face. The walk quickly became a forced march, his lurch difficult to control, the road dark and indefinite before him. Vincent leaned close to examine the house of cards, hoping to determine it's level of stability by sight alone. Most of my friends, said Sarah, breaking silence, chose to find a nice husband. They continued the contest for almost a minute longer, then the girl, no expression on her face, turned to look at Amy and Tim. Give it a rest. If only all of his life could be so neat. He merely walked, eyes ahead, listening for any disturbance. He returned the embrace, needing to feel the frail strength of her torso. Joel stepped forward to offer his hand, then, pleasantries exchanged, the group progressed towards the kitchen. She faced challenges with determination and learned to channel her doubts into a drive for improvement. Then Tim opened his door and walked to his car. She regretted the joke. The apartment inside was well lit, so if he had been asleep he had done so with all the lights turned on. Letters were printed above each button, but the numbers had been carefully painted over. Before he could answer, the lock on the door twisted open and his wife came through. [four] Through the window came the only light, a vague arm of moon and ambient city glow. Her face was soft, rounded, like the face of an infant, but her gray eyes stared out from the infantile features with an intensity that denounced her age. He didn't take kindly to Alex's leadership . He listened intently though. I would have believed it once, but its bullshit now. Their game grown dull, the three children were eager to leave, racing excitedly to the car. I think I can handle it. Johnson, you were one of the few people who believed in me back in high school. He remembered it better now, though still there were gaps in what Vincent felt should have been a very lucid series of events in his life. He was afraid of his potential to hurt her; he was afraid of how she reminded him of his dead wife; and he was afraid that a decade from now, she would be gone from his life with a finality worthy of death, though still alive. The protective green of the forest, the subdued light, made him relax. I'm O. It would be harder for you to get started again in the same line of work. They go to some ridiculous place and drink four dollar Cappuccinos and eat crumb cakes until almost one in the morning. The entire faculty knew about his habits, and many of the students knew as well, but most significantly, his wife knew. Steady. She was so sympathetic, so helpful, I couldn't be angry anymore. There was nowhere to stop on this road in the mountains so he hunched and waited. Vincent found his shoes in the den. Keane's analysis of the situation bothered Vincent. Where? It's a surprise. The pleasure is all mine, Sarah said, holding her hand out to Vincent. A chance to visit Timothy, or drive to Amy's apartment and maybe patch things up with her, but neither of these would occur; Vincent's evening was constrained to the walls of his home. She poured him a cup, remembering he liked it black. whether you like it or not. As he stared at those words, his mind raced, and the world seemed to spin around him. He began to sob, knowing that what she said was a lie, but Vincent could not speak. The glass door, a solitary entrance along the frontage of the brick home, reflected an orb of yellow sun. Thornton continued, As a result, I'd like to offer you the opportunity to take on a more significant role within the project. She reached her arms outward, stretching to grab him before he went under again, but she did not make contact, instead the boy's arm swatted Karen in the left eye. What have you got there? he asked. Joel dropped his Visa card onto the plywood counter, then removed one of the American Whirlers from the bag, handing it to Sarah without even looking in her direction. We just need to get started if we're going to make it back in time for the afternoon picnic. Would you like something to drink? he asked. Think about that when you say good-bye to your crying daughter on Monday morning. The bed's kind of small, but it should be comfortable. He was trying to calculate how much longer it would be until his turn. A sharp fear struck him: that he had failed to learn the details of his own home. He too could not have known what she would bring. Something felt wrong. Joel, Martha said. Karen, silent as well, ate her food, reading from a book of poetry, a habit which always perplexed Vincent. But remember, dear, just as I care for my plants, you must care for yourself. Now hurry, we'll have to leave in a few minutes. Thornton's expectations pressed upon him like an anvil. Something about it struck Karen as important, but for all the times he read and reread the two meager columns, Vincent could not detect its significance. You don't believe that, said Martha. What did you do then? Vincent asked. I wanted to see how he would react. Joel looked to Vincent for guidance in which way to turn, but his companion merely shrugged. Your kidding. Did you get fired? Did you get busted for smuggling crack into Oregon? I didn't get fired, Vince, but they would have if I had stayed. There was no other sound. Just in front of Vincent's house, the driver of the dark green Scirocco locked the car's brakes, going into an uncontrolled slide, tires screaming black tread marks in their wake. Almost every night of the week in fact. He knew he had to show them that he was not just a young developer but a capable leader. Waiting for the boy and then the mother to move out of his line of sight. He dug his fingers like claws into the mud, pulling himself a few inches with every handful of earth. It made Vincent laugh to think that this was the man who lectured him on the morality of leaving his daughter for a summer. The photo inspired immediate dislike for the man, a result that was the antithesis of what the subject intended when he hefted the child and brought his distended lips to the infant's face years ago. So they talked and traded thoughts and ideas on the subject of Vincent, Veronica, and anything else which entered their minds, until Amy grew weary of looking at the decaying apartment and Tim's house of cards, but still she wanted the companionship, wanted Tim to talk with, only without the garbage and disorder which lay strewn across the furniture in his home in a way she suspected garbage thoughts and garbage beliefs were strewn across the very surface of his mind. Why don't you try to keep that in mind. You know I can't do that, he said. I handled that well, Vincent thought. In front of Vincent, though, kneeling on the ground was a woman. But the bugs in his code were nothing compared to the swarm of doubts buzzing in his mind. When she wakes, he thought, I will ask her to stay with me. If he was right then Vincent was profiting by his wife's death. There he waited, killing time until he had convinced himself that Veronica was again asleep and again silent. Vincent smiled pleasantly. Indignant, Jack asked, How could you say that? What I say is true. Uninvited, she sat in a roughly upholstered chair which happened to be free of debris. Remember, we'll burn everything we buy here by ten o'clock tonight. What are these? she asked, holding up a clear plastic bag of jalapeno peppers. If your daddy wants me along, I might be able to make it. I feel like we're still dating, but I don't know. Sometimes just no one stops. I know you used to drink it straight. It was Vincent's duty to prepare her for these tenebrous days. Not that I know of. Christine put her ear to Karen's chest, embraced her friend's clammy neck, unable to rectify this paradox. They're on the floor below. Vincent peeked behind the couch to see if any other incongruancies were stored away, but it was empty. The bench itself was cluttered with drills, saws, and other power tools as well as the remnants from much of the wood Vincent had been cutting. Vincent stood next to the ledger not yet fat with signatures. Glowing against the sunlight was his wide, gold wedding band, scratched and dulled from use. Crucial to the business, Alec said. His hand passed through to strike the solid wood underneath, spinning the easel backwards, toppling it to the ground, its legs spread, tail tucked between them. How long will you two be gone? Sarah asked. He would have to hold her a long time before the burden became large enough to be uncomfortable. Its eyes flicked around, independent of each other. He could not help but think about her. Low branches made a spiderweb of the safety glass of the front windshield. What do you think my chances are of getting a job closer in town? she asked. As if a spell had been broken with the speaking of his name, Vincent's eyes snapped open and he propped himself up on his elbows. It's a matter of perception. In the midst of the chaos, Alex found himself leaning on the lessons he had learned on his journey—a journey that had taken him from doubting his abilities to leading a team with conviction. Now they'll know, thought Vincent. In the midst of the chaos, a plucky seagull swooped down and snatched a hotdog right out of a man's hand. So what kind of job do you hope for in Atlanta? Why not somewhere else? I don't know. Vincent was interested in the news story - an OPEC announcement - that she interrupted, but he could get it later from a better source and so decided to let her watch what she wanted. Productive, answered Joel. Sorry, Timothy said. Mark froze and tried not to look like a startled animal. Thanks for dropping by. If you have any concerns or suggestions, please share them with me. Alex clicked on it, hoping for a revelation. ) That makes no sense whatsoever, Sarah said. I looked so hard, Vincent said, just loud enough to be heard, but Tim had no response. And then Jill came over and we played with Barbie. Alex defended his decisions and outlined his plans for moving forward, using every ounce of his newfound confidence. It was a challenging journey, but I'm proud of what we accomplished. It was only a joke. Not so dark that the children will get hurt running through the lawn, and not so light that the sun will eclipse their puny fire. But the specter of those old insecurities had never truly left him. He could retreat into himself. I'm going to force you to listen to what I have to say. Who? asked Bobby, his voice shrill. Holding the document in his hands, its clean, sharp edges razing the surface of his palms, Vincent marveled at how flawed his memory could be. The roof of each storey was not the usual rectangular tarot cards. Once shaped like a many pointed sun, it now formed a solid coat along the shaft by which it was supported. The sun was setting just behind the roof of his home, blocking her view of the front yard. Sarah took his hand, He did a great job last year. This is the last week, then we're out for the summer. The water soaked her clothes instantly and Karen felt heavy even before the water was over her head. Now traveling at an unsafe velocity, the car approached the two men, who watched wondering if the driver would be able to slow for the upcoming bend in the road. There are only eleven articles, but still, I never knew they were there before. How would I know? said Joel. But the elevator was the same. As a couple, they were very popular on campus. Had never been given the opportunity to vent. There you go, he said. Dr. He tried to recall what the weather had been doing that day. It's that simple. It was a short piece whose main source was a study of crime in suburban Atlanta. What do you like? Anything's fine, she said with resignation. From this distance, in the darkened room, only the patterned silver frame was visible; the snap shot itself, flattened black by the light, like a hole in Vincent's past. I think your making it mad, Joel. My husband, the pilot. Vincent sat down across the room, in a chair behind the large kitchen table. The water flow was light, and the bottom was shrouded in trees, but it was nevertheless a sight worthy of the short trip. The child was inconsolable, burying her head in the pillows of their couch, her mother's touch fueling the tears. With difficulty, he chewed, working the bread like cud. He sped away from the building, merging impatiently with traffic. Only Sarah was quiet, accepting the burden of Vincent's offer heavily, unable to disguise her unease. Tomorrow would be the moment of truth, the culmination of his efforts and the test of his ability to overcome imposter syndrome. I'll handle it, she said. It looked fragile. And the way he was looking at her, Amy said. Joel had nothing to do with it, Sarah said. Did you sleep with him that night? Vincent asked, unable to use polite subterfuge. Amy and Veronica filled in the gaps. Vincent knocked, and waited. She passed one to him from the bag. That's three days in a row, Vinny, he said. But the most profound moment of the night came when he ran into his high school math teacher, Mr. Like I said, it's just a little weird. No, of course not, said Sarah. Once you get into Fulton County the transit system is fine. Vincent awoke - or rather, thought returned. Vincent reached forward to turn up the radio. I'll get you a beer. He looked down to see a small brown dog nuzzling him. They'll succeed where the other failed, or struggle where the one before went with ease. It wasn't a perfect resolution, but it was a step toward defusing the tension between them. Vincent returned his concentration to the paper, hoping to end this line of conversation. Go on to the next one. She did not realize that Karen was tasting her own blood. Jack's drink had a small wooden umbrella perched on it's lip. The wheels crunched backwards and Vincent was in the street, driving away before this sight had time to imprint itself on his mind. It seems the little buggers get wilder every year. I think we're fine, Vincent said, looking to his daughter for confirmation, but she stood dazed by the late hour and unfamiliar surroundings. Vincent marveled that she would keep anything for so long. The living room with its long coffee table and carefully arranged knick kancks was clean of any conspicuous evidence of the bulb planter, but Tim looked past Vincent as well, hoping to see something in the hall beyond. You're drenched with sweat. The desk was white enamel, clean, untouched and empty. Mark could tell that he had touched a nerve. And I wasn't in the bushes. Karen had not been a great, undiscovered talent, cloistered from the world through events beyond her control; there were amateur elements to her art and weaknesses in her technique. The volume was low, but they heard the announcer voice say that it was the third inning and that the score was tied at two each. Sure, she said. Her features seemed to shift towards familiarity with each successive light from above. Get this man a cocktail. If you take her to live away from here, Stacy said with deliberation, then that will remove the last element of stability from your daughter's life. Karen was aware of this unusual behavior, and fostered it by keeping Veronica involved in the shopping routine: asking Veronica to fetch certain items, letting her suggest dinner ideas, even buying her an unwholesome snack or two. Their minds had been distinct, unshared. It seemed comfortable, then I just started to sweat. Her voice was scolding, but she smiled, enjoying the comedy in a situation that was not hers. He approached the task with the same meticulousness and thoughtfulness that had guided him on his journey. You should be tired. There he lay, trying not to slide back underneath the truck. I'm not removing myself from her life. But after a few months I found it hard to communicate with my co-workers. There was a phone on the wall in the kitchen, but suspecting the call might be from Sarah, he rushed to get the cordless phone from its stand in the den. Vincent felt that he had handled the matter well, avoiding a dreaded closed-door meeting in which his sales manager may not have been as lenient. Vincent leaned close to the wheel, squinting, elbows crooked. And I spend my days raising capital, if you can believe that. Yes, um, Vincent began, but he did not know with which symptom to begin. He drove to Rachel's home, then walked purposefully to the door, his mind safely shut off from thoughts that would frighten him back into the shell of his car. That's unfair, he said. The far wall of the offices of Cornwell Baker could be seen from the entrance; covered with textured, pale wallpaper, it was a tasteful complement to the forest green carpet. The front door shut softly. For a brief moment, there was silence as the receptionist stopped typing and took the letter and the clipboard from the driver. It was like finding a gift for a friend, the impulse to buy was strong, the desire to get the item not for yourself but for someone close to you; it could be given on their next birthday or at Christmas or for no reason at all. Anger woke him at first, but when that departed, he was left with an aching weariness. The pain in his leg became increasingly problematic, and Vincent could no longer burden it with his weight. Alec was visibly frustrated at this development. In an instant he was braking hard and using all of the road to make the corner, but the turn continued with the truck's speed still too fast to stay on the road. Seven empty beer bottles sat on the wood planks between Sarah and Martha, and a bottle of rum sat nearest to Jack. Have you done it? Vincent asked. Is that so? Yeah. Thanks, Mark said. It's nice to get away. He left the hallway to find the phone, then called her obstetrician, dialing carefully from the business card pinned under a magnet to the refrigerator. He could wait. Amy's record store - he had called ahead for directions - was a good distance from Tim's suburban apartment. The table was a light pine, sanded and finished, but long ago, so now chips and mars in the surface and across the exposed legs tore away from the uniformity of color, leaving behind white gashes and scratches. There was an investigation and some closed door hearings. As the evening wore on, and the sun dipped below the horizon, the atmosphere grew more relaxed. The rain began to fall again, large drops pelting his skin through the inadequate protection of the forest canopy. He took a moment and read the news column again, hoping to see a name which might stand out, possibly even Bateman's name, the corrupt politician of the previous story, but none rose above the rest; the article was little more than a list of winners and losers. A week later, he returned, asking her out to dinner. Everything's ready, he said. Well, thanks a lot. Bye, honey. He ran his fingers along the rough edge at the top and bent near to examine the joints Vincent had used to secure the frame together. What about the notebook? Tim asked, indicating the bound book of handwritten pages. She drove them to a restaurant which was casual, but still too nice for the way Tim was dressed, and he chewed his food unable to taste or to enjoy as he already had begun to dread the visit to his friend's home. So how did your meeting go this morning? he asked. Unless she was in grade school at the time. Thornton continued, we've decided to continue with the project under your leadership. Use code 1261. Standing, reorienting himself, he groped the wall until he felt the metal doorknob. It moved only sparsely, and Vincent decided it would hold for the task. The surface was obscured by Tim's creation: a house of cards which extended no less than four feet above the table, impossibly balanced against the slant. Sarah said, You must be exhausted from the drive. It wasn't an easy process. There was all the information he needed to confirm his daughter's birth on the third day of September at twenty-eight minutes after nine in the evening. Why don't you let me take you at to dinner tomorrow night. Involving himself in this matter would only complicate an already muddled existence. Would you be interested in becoming the projec t lead? The words hung in the air, and Alex's mind raced. Vincent was happy to let her go, easing the tension for himself in the room. Tim could think of nothing to say. Right out of college. Amy had been watching from the front window, obsessively waiting for his return. He turned away. He found the store bought pizza crust on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, and instructed Veronica to gather the remaining ingredients. You don't understand, Christine. After a lengthy discussion, they reached a compromise on some of the code changes. This is what he was here for. That's ridiculous. As he descended, the orange light left him until only a residual glow from above, then, turning the corner, he was bathed in blackness. He rose, put on an old pair of shorts and a worn tee shirt, and went downstairs. Vincent focused his attention on the road ahead. He could see Vincent doing these things in the manner she described. He was several bites into the cake, and the milk was half gone before he even noticed that Sarah was still in the room. Karen spun with the thought that this woman needed her, or at least needed something from her. All he could remember was inside their home; they did not leave the house except to go to the hospital. Pleased that his fears were ungrounded, Vincent opened a bottle of red wine. It was not a subject that interested him. He thought of Amy then, her figure penetrating into his mind, and he thought of that ringed finger spreading cold across her naked skin in the night. It was a tarot card, the back elaborately decorated with medieval symbols and pictures, a pale monochromatic design. Y'know? He's my brother-in-law, Vincent said. I don't remember the whole conversation, but we introduced ourselves, that gave us a minute of instant bonding, what with our names being the same. I know that we haven't been seeing each other for that long, and I know that it's not really any of my concern, but I think you're treating her poorly. When he returned, Sarah made call after call, looking for what would be the lowest rate, consulting with Vincent between calls on what would be the best location. Don't be ridiculous. Trust in yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Is he O. He had not noticed her movement, and wondered how long she had been there. Each day brought new opportunities in his direction: clients with open minds and money ready for investments, prospects who were eager for an experienced hand to guide them into their first investment, and insight into the market and human nature which had not been there before. Idly, he wondered if the feeling would last. Joel dropped a jar of pickles into their basket, a second jar followed, clanging heavily against the first, but Joel refused to notice, walking down the aisle in pursuit of his next item on the list. But I'm learning to manage it better, thanks to you and the team. He would focus the mirror on the road at his rear, ensuring that he could switch lanes safely, respectful of other traffic, but after a time of not being able to view his passenger, doubt would set in. Odd, he thought, that Vincent would come by in the middle of the day, but he supposed that there had been some meeting in the area that afforded him extra time. An idle day had left Vincent fully awake, energetic in spite of the fact that he would have to be at work in less than twelve hours. The crowd would be too dense and there would be too many families. Just a job, Vincent said. Vincent turned, and said, Why? What compels you to annoy me until I have no choice but to hate your fucking guts? I don't care what you think of me, Joel said. I remember that about her, Tim said. He would have to see this transformation to believe it fully, but he supposed it was possible. Ah, yes, Jack said. Inside, the apartment had changed somewhat. He thought only of the trinket, and at times, not even that. The two men met in the center of the black lot. Her face had none of the old anger, the bottled rage he had seen before. Before him sat Mr. I just wish I knew what had happened, Karen said, somewhat exasperated. Joel parked his truck at the end of the row of cars and the two men left the vehicle to join the line. She needs peace, not a grieving father. He's doing very well. Vincent could see the attraction. He doesn't have any sisters. But she did not even look in their direction. The gears of his mind spun, but no number took precedence over any other. Whatever. So they're outside the theater, and it's freezing cold, one of the coldest nights of the year, and it occurs to my wife, that I've probably been home for a while and might even be wondering where she is. He marveled at the power of the child. It would be easy. They continued to exchange messages, discussing strategies to improve team collaboration and ways to address the technical challenge s. It's true. It's true. He decided to take a short nap to clear his mind and recharge. It took Vincent several minutes to answer the door after Tim had rung the bell, giving Tim time to rethink being there at all. You're doing a good job. I'm glad you're back, Tim. He would even read the book of poetry. He exchanged Amy's salad plate for her entree, a baked fettuccini dish with broccoli, then did the same for Vincent, whose mind awoke to the subtle smell of veal. I'll explain it all. Vincent moved closer, standing just inside the bedroom door. It was a few minutes after nine. The couple consumed the remainder of their meal in silence, neither willing to reopen doors to unpleasant rooms. You didn't tell me about them. Now what do we have to do today? You don't remember? Joel asked. Don't listen to him, Vincent. Their audience - Sarah and the children - waited for Vincent expectantly, but for his part Vincent had no intention of ending the mystery, or clarifying his encounter with Joel. Dark teeth poked from behind cracked lips stretched wide in a scream. The candle behind Sarah and Vincent had reached its end. Your mother has died. He turned north on the interstate and tried not to think of his goal. I don't know, Karen said. OK, Mark said. Thornton? Mr. She went to the same school every day; she saw the same friends; she had the same baby sitter, and, though no substitute for a mother, Amy remained of part of their life, an extension of their family. Chapter 5: Allies and Adversaries As the project progressed under Alex's leadership, he found himself navigating not only the intricacies of code but also the complexities of office politics. I hope you can help with these articles. At the first driveway, he pulled over, parking his car long enough to regain his composure. She slapped both hands against her legs, then leaned close to Vincent, saying, He would have taken me back to his hotel room the first night we met. See how she is, then make the decision. I'll start a new one later. He could not remember back to a time when he had a robust appetite. The pages at the back were blank, crisp as they had been when the notebook was manufactured, but the first quarter inch of pages were well used, filled with Karen's handwriting. One evening, as they were working late in the office, Sarah turned to Alex and said, You've come a long way, Alex. What the hell is wrong with you? she hissed, kneeling in the center of their bed. That's why you picked us. The evening passed this way, until time left them both weary and unable to continue. A lingering smell of garlic in the house pleasantly reminded Vincent of his married days when there was still someone to cook, to fill the air with domestic smells. She sat quietly in the car, and walked quietly beside the cart once inside the sanitized, suburban grocery store. Did not want to give him any chance to hide. Whatever. I love you. So am I married? Can you tell? Vincent asked. Yours, I think, Tim said. You could glue the cards as you stack them, Vincent offered. This was what he wanted. Her money could run out and Sarah could find herself on the way back to South Carolina. He closed his eyes, waiting for some shred of memory to return. Help was on its way. She was little like the Sarah that Joel had married. Vincent let it go, though his mind continued to work out the nuances of the relationship as he imagined it. I really appreciate you and Joel letting us come up here for the weekend, he said. Vincent waited a few moments, then left the safety of the bedroom to discover how much his wife had been told. He took his eyes from the mirror, knowing his fear would subside when the congestion ahead cleared and he was allowed to progress up the ramp and away from the interstate. The encounter with the gorilla served as a reminder that sometimes, in the presence of nature and its majestic creatures, we could find solace, clarity, and a momentary escape from the complexities of our human minds. Maybe six, or eight. It's busted or something. It had never occurred to him to ask, and did not occur to him now. I'm sorry. Are you ready to go to school? You better hurry up, mommy's got a picnic to get ready for. Shuffling the thin gray paper, he went through the stack systematically; reading each article in an effort to relate its contents to any of the others. How would you like to visit them for the whole summer? he asked. ? Yeah, Vincent said. They want to know your due date, Vincent said. What? No. How old are they? Tim asked I'd have to look to be sure, but they all appear to be from the last two years. How long have you been doing it? she asked, not truly convinced. I guess not, he said aloud to Sarah. What did you tell them? Vincent asked. You make a pretty convincing clown. The multiple levels of the cards, built up from a wide stable base, grew narrower in width and breadth as they approached the highest point, but the fourth story flaunted the rest of the structure, narrower than both the level above and the level below, and on this base, the final stories pushed skyward, an entirely new building, erected as if on a table smaller than its largest point. Now the traffic had ceased and Mark watched the interior door, half standing each time it opened, expecting to be greeted by someone from HR. She had approached him first, though he had seen her standing behind the register, and he had found himself thinking as a single man would, thinking as he had not thought for almost seven years. Vincent thought out the implications of this fact. I asked her if she and Joel would be willing to take Veronica for the summer. Soon the bubbling increased to a roiling boil. If it's not inconvenient, I could bring her up Saturday afternoon. That's unfair. It was too long of a walk and there were too many other, closer, places to sit and enjoy the day. Amy looked to Vincent, Is that right? Some did, but just the tops. She said nothing, docile. I'm making pancakes for you. , digesting verse after verse until numbed and then would watch the news repeat itself before returning to the book. He was frightened. Cold turkey. Trust in this fact alone: she knew. Soiled seemingly from head to toe, her cute white shoes and small white socks, reddish brown with a mixture of Georgia clay and potting soil. I slept great. More likely, Tim thought, the clippings each had individual significance, containing an element or idea which was important to Karen at the time. Timothy began, I just -, but interrupted himself, unsure how to go on. Tim walked past the table into the kitchen. It's just one article from thousands she read every year. Chagrined, Joel continued, No one can, Vincent, but that's not the point. Sarah, her cheeks flushed with excitement, turned to Alex and whispered, Thanks for that distraction, Alex. The temperature was rising in the park, and as noon approached it would soon be too hot for leisurely comfort, but a breeze held back the heat for now, and the ladies would enjoy nice weather for the next few hours. What will you tell her when she's an adult and she hates you? I'm not perfect, he said, then paused wondering if what came next would be a step to far. Tom crossed his arms, his skepticism evident. They got restaurants at almost every exit, he said. Sorry, Vincent said. You wanted to give in. Amy did not listen to him, but said, He's probably been planning this for weeks. He hung up the phone, taking in his other hand an offered beer from Timothy. So how old are Bobby and Mark, Vincent asked in an effort to keep his minds of the children in the back seat. Vincent alone had suffered under the illusion that a union had merged their thoughts and goals long ago. Give him another chance under more reasonable conditions. I'll pick you up at 12:30. Will you help daddy make it? Yeah, said Veronica, excited. She had to have known someone in this article, Tim said. When Veronica was an infant, he would hold her, close to his body as if his warmth or maybe his beating heart could silence her cries, but Veronica had long since ceased crying, and there was no longer any reason for Vincent to pull his daughter close to him. Why are you telling me this? Amelia sighed. She even wrote her number down on a napkin, and told me to call her if things got bad with Rick. This much was plain. The sky was still bright, shadows longer, but the sun remained visible. I couldn't sleep, and watching television seemed like a good idea at the time. He had faced his imposter syndrome head-on and emerged victorious. Really? Where is it? In Downing. He faced new challenges, celebrated successes, and navigated setbacks. He extinguished the final light in the room, then returned upstairs. The stereo system was still displaced onto the floor as it was during Vincent's last visit, it's table in use by the house of cards. They were still cold, as was the water. Towns went by and minutes and hours passed, all the the whirl and hum of the car's tires as well as the perpetual motion of Vincent's mind. I think I'll have some wine, Vincent said, examining the menu. He kissed her by her car, in the parking lot. I'm not. Sleep was death. Soon, the killing element would be in his lungs. Bingo, said Keane, typing at his keyboard. The heat, here in the sun, all breeze cut off by the people around her, was oppressive. That's probably not a great idea, Joel said. You made up that part, Vincent said flatly. She was the friendly, silver-haired woman who lived two doors down and had a talent for growing the most extraordinary indoor plants. They were silent, each drinking their beer, watching the shadows grow dim, the sky dimmer still. I got a lucky break last week with a client, but other than that. That put an end to the tour of the basement and Vincent's newly found hobby. If I'm going to leave my store for an hour and a half I want to go to a real restaurant. Since we extended our offer to you. She was still attractive, Tim thought. Aimlessly, he surfed through the channels a few times, but there was nothing on. Bad start. There was a crowd at the grocery store, so Vincent and Joel had to park well away from the entrance. But remember, it's okay to have doubts. Tim said, Hi. Weren't your programs good enough? Timothy paused, taking the time to construct his thoughts into coherency. The children ran ahead, and Sarah and Vincent walked hurriedly to keep them in sight. He knew that having the support of someone as capable as Sarah was invaluable. I had planned to go to the park with Christine. Who's going to know? Fine. How so? asked Joel. Had he said something unprofessional before he even started on his first day? It's OK if you are, she said. As dawn approached, Alex's exhaustion finally caught up with him. And you can't figure out what they had to do with Karen? Tim asked. She draped a rag over the faucet, then turned to face him. And I didn't even know there was a demand for cocaine in Oregon. The canvases were rival lovers, and this dusty studio their clandestine meeting place; the evidence stood naked before Vincent, and the floorboards - though brown, ridged, and warped with age - were virgin sheets stained with the effort of their love. He obeyed, though he was reluctant, even afraid, to face his daughter. Have you been here before? No, Joel answered. Interesting, Vincent said. He walked to the house and sat in a lawn chair near Sarah. Over the next few weeks, as the reunion date approached, Alex found himself reminiscing about his teenage years. To Vincent, it seemed a hopeless justification, an attempt to absolve her own responsibility in the matter. Vincent, too far removed from this existence, caught himself gawking at the dirty children and rusted cars, indisputable evidence of apathy and despair. Thornton, a man with a perpetually furrowed brow, had high expectations. Bateman was fat. I had heard that the buses were good in Atlanta, she said. He made the final right turn onto his street, then, moments later, pulled into the driveway of his home and brought the car to a stop. That's the thing, Alex. Not at all. Rachel's mouth gaped into a tiny hole, and she covered the lower half of her face with both hands. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. There was nowhere for her to fall, no danger in the gently sloping yard, but possibly she had become ill; she could be choking, or maybe a stroke. Family grill out, huh? she said with condescension. He approached the couch from the rear and could not immediately determine if she was in fact asleep; tension built, and the prospect of confrontation became very real, but only for a moment. Smitty doesn't say anything because I've been bringing in the money. I have, said Vincent. As Sarah had warned, Vincent found Joel drove unconcerned by traffic or the constant sharp curves. She's five years old for Christ's sake. It looked not only closed, but out of business. She huffed, her thick legs unused to the exertion, and the run took more time than she would have imagined. Her head was bent to the ground - almost in submission, Amy thought - though it was apparent she and Vincent were talking. The cheese was melted, but the crust was doughy white: still a long way to go. I hope she's fine. And daddy says we can go back any time we want. Stunned by fear she made a feeble effort to move first right then left, but, in the end, remained pinned to her original location. With time to spare before he had to meet Amy, Vincent drove slowly away from his building. Hi, little darling, he said. The receptionist, Amelia, was hovering near the fax machine, pretending to be interested in something with its operation, but Mark could tell that she had been watching them. Atlanta just holds so much- she was at a loss for the word, but Vincent waited patiently, opportunity, I guess. Each day presented new challenges, and Alex welcomed them with a newfound eagerness. I found a drawer of newspaper clippings in my living room. Maybe she watched from the closet. Vincent, this is Martha and Jack Cole. It had a slick, patterned cover, covered with pastel pinks and blues, intertwined in swirls that were vaguely reminiscent of a flower bed seen from afar. She was sympathetic, and said how lucky she was to have a husband as faithful as Joel, said Sarah. Bobby's nine and Mark's seven, she answered. Soon after Veronica left the table, Vincent and Amy finished their meal, and they then began to clean up. Stunned, she could not think what had hit her. Come in. This is amazing. Oh yeah, Joel said. Jack continued, In spite of my wife's comments I can assure you that Dr. It took him two attempts to successfully reach his home. All composure leaving him, Vincent said, Listen, Joel, you can't possibly understand what I've gone through, or what I continue to go through even now. Moreau? In the end it all came down around him, Jack said. Alex, he began, we've carefully reviewed your responses and the progress you've made since our last meeting. She reached in and began to scan items across the laser beams, but after the third one, the scanner failed to read the correct price. The futur e was uncertain, but he was ready to face it with a sense of purpose and a belief in his own potential. It was excellent Scotch. You wouldn't have a chance to see me much anyway. His voice controlled itself through no effort from the mind whose thoughts it made sound, leaving Vincent to listen to his client, react to the objections, gauge his mood and disposition. They got out of the car and walked together to a bench on the far side of the pond. It bobbed purposelessly. Mistakenly, Vincent interpreted her silence as not only content, but happiness. He forgot momentarily that he had lost his wife, and, looking at Sarah beside him, felt that he could reach out his hand and she would be there to take it. He fell into the easy pattern of salesman point and counterpoint which typified this variety of call. He could have been entrapped into a lunch or even a day with his friend. He looked on it as a decision that could be made on his behalf. Obviously we have better days than others, but in the end, are we doing well? Sure, he mumbled. The car stopped in a semi-circular driveway, to the right was the funeral home, a pale brick building which reminded Vincent of a small-town schoolhouse, or maybe a Unitarian church. It's too small. Back in the living room, Vincent turned on the overhead light, and then he went straight for the pine table and the drawer which he was unable to open. It would be so much easier if she weren't around. Mark's comments seemed designed to challenge Alex's authority and competence. Looking through one eye, the edge of the river seemed impossibly far away. He lay there, growing restless instead of tired. Paranoid, this was enough to prevent him from opening his door. He did not know what Amy and Veronica said to each other, nor did he know what Veronica would have said to him. He probably wanted to go to lunch. An apology drifted through Amy's mind, but she dismissed it, deciding to drop the subject. Even the windows on the second floor were lit. His heart raced as he opened the email, and the first few lines confirmed his worst fears: a review of his project's progress, scheduled for the next morning. Don't you give a damn, Vincent said. He arced a second blow, letting rage and wrath direct the plastic box with as much force as he could conjure. The hours dragged on, and he couldn't escape the relentless questioning of his abilities. It's got to be exciting. There was no doubt that Vincent had only one choice in this matter. You couldn't begin to understand. His stature slipped, no longer in control. His words comforted her, bringing balance and meaning to a senseless time, but for Vincent it only clouded his thinking, adding another layer of self-deceit and confusion. The road straightened; Vincent sped up, gaining velocity in order to coast up the hill ahead. She left off the part most interesting to Vincent. With one hand - knuckles whitening - he still gripped the wheel of the car, keeping himself from falling out onto the concrete. No more than any other, Vincent said. He knew he had a plan, but could it withstand this unexpected challenge? The weight of impending judgment bore down on him, and he had no choice but to face it head-on. What if RealPlants. [ten] Vincent fumbled through the glove box searching with only his fingers for the sunglasses. He would have to tell her, and she would think the worst of him. She had run a load of dishes and put away the clean ones. There was a picture of Charles Bateman above the second column; he was kissing an infant on the cheek, beaming with triumph as if this child were his very own, as if he were responsible for any hope the baby had. The kids are out of sight, Vincent said. Together they ascended the stairs, Tim taking one last look at the basement before closing the door. What's wrong? Joel asked. She had grown bored and restless early in the drive. Try to put yourself in her place. He let Vincent gain a few paces on him, then followed. And there won't be any more wrecks? said Smitty to his back. The night passed in a whirl of brainstorming and planning. Vincent scored the paper with a deep pen mark through the man's name, then immediately dialed the number of the contact below. Joel knocked on the door; a soft tap at first, but then, abandoning all politeness, increased to a persistent banging in an effort to wake the slumbering Vincent. Sure you can. Sure you can. Yes, Vincent said. Yes, Vincent said. If he could win Sarah, if he could convince her that it would be best for Veronica to live with them, then he knew the battle was won: Sarah would perform the work for him from that point, fighting to bring her husband into agreement. They left it at that, both unwilling to delve any further into Vincent's thought processes. Imposter Syndrome was already tightening its grip, and the elevator ride to his floor felt lik e an eternity. She nodded. And he couldn't. Vincent drove the short distance home carefully and slowly, allowing himself after his arrival a few moments to gather and compose his thoughts before going inside to greet his wife. His tongue, Jack corrected. Edward Lineberry Lineberry A Dotcom Novel January 28th, 2000 Almost an hour had passed since he had introduced himself to the receptionist and Mark was beginning to doubt himself. Tim interpreted this as a sign of weakness. They're all unique. I think the cake woke me up. [five] The bell jingled a soft note over his head as Vincent passed through the glass door of the QuickTrip. He waited behind the wheel, door open, one leg dangling out the side, until Tim had paid for his gas and returned. A perfect conversational companion for all the stodgy old professors. When did I get elected? Vincent asked. Why do you use tarot cards? asked Vincent. Not knowing what else to do, Vincent continued to hold her until the crying had stopped. We should be back by one, but it just depends on how long it takes us to get to a fireworks stand. The hillbillies buy less and less every year, and they put up a damn Wal-Mart that almost drove me out of town. I understand that my appointment as project lead might have raised questions. Then take tomorrow off. Her head lolled to one side of the satin pillow, and one arm sprawled outward, the other reverently crossed her chest. Momentarily, his vision was blocked, but the curve came to an end, and his field of view opened to include the long stretch of pavement ahead. Timothy ran the facts efficiently through his mind, using the logic he had tried so long to suppress. I left a single obligatory message on our home answering machine and assumed I was off the hook, as far as needing to get home at the usual time and all that. Thanks for taking care of her, Stacy, Vincent said handing the girl a check for the week. He stared for a long time, unnoticed. Vincent stared as it walked slowly, without direction, until it lay down in the dirt just a few feet away from the shade of a building. , Joel said, and shut the door behind him as he left. The tall tarot cards formed level after level in a parody of gravity and physics. Amy had sent the wrong man for the job, and had she been here in person, or able to observe invisibly at Tim's side, she would have known it at this instant, for at his feet, unnoticed, were a pair of small white tennis shoes, caked with traces of red mud around the edges, clearly belonging to a woman. Yeah, and she won't be back until school starts in the fall. She smiled, I know. No shit, said Sarah with mild surprise. Damn construction, she said. None came. Has she cheered up any, or was she still upset? She was so tired it's hard to tell. I got an answer at the office. Outwardly collected, Vincent waited with a separate anxiety, anticipating the climax of her story: the identification of the driver. Within minutes they could hear the distinct sounds of Bobby and Mark's voices, and soon after that were at the end of the trail. Her toes were numb from the cold. Chapter 1 ended, and Alex was left with a chilling question: Would he be able to overcome his imposter syndrome and prove himself, or was his career on the verge of a catastrophic collapse? Chapter 2: Impending Judgment The night air felt unusually heavy as Alex made his way back home from the office. What matters is how we respond to it. Is your store closed today, Vincent asked. Bag in hand, Vincent returned to his seat on the couch, but as he passed the table on which the house of cards stood, the combination of his footsteps and the slight disturbance his movement created in the air, shook the unstable foundation of cards and began the chain reaction that would bring them down. That's crazy, she shook her head. Did they use a proprietary operating system here? Mark felt that he was in over his head. She would need her father, and her father would heap forced platitudes on the child. Still, Veronica's presence comforted her. This is customer support. The bare branches swatted at their legs, the tiny twig ends breaking. You don't possess the skill set required and you don't have time to learn, but that doesn't mean you'll do a bad job either. Great, Tim said. Vincent had enrolled Veronica in a new day care. He walked out of the den, where his daughter watched a video, and moved into the living room where his conversation could not be heard. Listen, I know you're upset. The early morning sun was a beacon of hope, its warm rays reminding him that each day held the promise of new opportunities. Sarah placed her single bag down next to Vincent's, then followed him to the end of the hall and left into the bright kitchen. A second and then a third series of knocks came from outside, but Tim ignored the noise. Stacy walked away, but, when her foot touched the first step, she reconsidered and turned around. Together they stood from behind the table and wandered to their respective rooms, muttering goodnights. Her white hair and wrinkled flesh demanded a level of respect unattainable by those of Vincent's generation. With an audible snap, Amy tossed the sheet to the side then sprang from the bed. They won't need me again until Thursday. The final word reverberated, and Karen realized that the home of her fear lay in the fact that it could all be perfectly normal. He went to the front window. Perhaps she doesn't have enough companionship. I should go, he said to Tim. He was going to see Amy Ware, not fully understanding what he expected of her or of the meeting, but he went nonetheless. Another couple. It's unethical. Vincent gave a small kick to the gray tackle box in which Karen had kept her brushes. It's not just about you. In fact, Amy continued, if it weren't for my crackerjack staff- she gestured toward the two clerks Tim had noticed as he came in; they were staring at each other now, faces inches apart, neither speaking or blinking, -we'd have gone out of business months ago. He left his seat on the couch to consult the calendar which hung on the kitchen wall. ' But I said nothing. It was the gorilla article which Vincent had mentioned to him on the telephone. I should have stayed in bed. The whiteboard was filled with diagrams and words that Mark instantly recognized at Unified Modeling Language. That bastard back at the gas station deliberately steered us wrong. You pick the restaurant, he offered. Well just pretend for a minute that your wife could betray you. You'll have to call information. Vincent crossed into the living room to their left where he opened the curtains. Martha chuckled into the mouth of her beer. He had come a long way in his journey, but he knew that there were still unresolved issues from his past that needed addressing. Tim asked, But how can you know they're living together? Why else would she be in his garden? This is too much. I couldn't hate this woman. Definitely my car then, Amy said. She pouted, but put her head complacently on the pillow and Vincent left her on the edge of sleep, leaving the door open at her request. Everything all right, Vince? asked Sarah. Angry, she left Vincent alone in the kitchen, walking away without saying a word, leaving the house without comment or drama. No, said Vincent, but I've meant to. The receptionist started typing again. There were only a few items, but the quantities were larger than Vincent expected: 4 pounds of ground beef, 3 packages of hot dogs and buns, 3 bags of potato chips, 2 jars of garlic flavored pickles, and the last item Vincent could not read. For him and for her, just a phase that would be passed through and replaced with another. Vincent? Hi, it's Sarah. Why you? Alex took a deep breath, his imposter syndrome rearing its head. She touched his hand in a gesture meant to calm, but instead he jerked away spasmodically, seemingly out of control. How are the kids doing? You're not letting them get bored while you quietly get drunk in the shade, are you? Sarah and Martha began to smirk, holding back laughter. No, Vincent said. No, Vincent said. Oh, yeah. Single men are more patient. Home of the World Famous Fun Rocket. Amy had been wrong from the beginning and Tim could see that now. I shouldn't have said that, but the point remains. The hallway stretched out before him, widening to his right into their living room, and rising ahead into the staircase. The first turn was gradual, gentle, sloping up through its forty-five degrees, but the second deceived Vincent, appearing at first to be a soft curve upwards, the road dipped unexpectedly down, and turned much harder to the right than Vincent at first believed. Timothy opened the door immediately and walked to the front entrance of Amy's record store, Music Near and Far. It was getting late, and he wanted to make a call to Amy before she went to bed. I have to watch myself, Joel said, laughing. Christ, Tim, Vincent said. You're over the edge. As Alex stood before the client, he felt a surge of confidence that he had never experienced before. When do we leave? Now, Joel said, folding the paper. I distracted him with an anecdote too fascinating to allow any other activity. Sounds like a cut-throat industry. He couldn't care less about me or my family. Chapter 5 was a testament to the challenges Alex faced not only in the technical aspects of his roleChapter 6: The Tipping Point Amid the challenges of project management and office dynamics, there came a day when the team needed a break—a moment of lightheartedness to alleviate the mounting stress. Alex nodded, his throat dry, as the weight of Mr. From afar Vincent inspected the pile she had created; she was almost finished. You knew he was married. As he lay down on his bed, he couldn't help but think of Mrs. You flatter yourself, said Keane, turning away. Go to her. What did you want to talk about? Are you still seeing him? he asked. I know she didn't, Sarah said with a self-concious laugh. He had no space in his heart for pedantry, correctness, or elegant programming. It was a weigh station for junk. What the hell was that kid doing outside? Vincent ran, and Tim followed, toward the stopped car. Veronica passed by him, taking her place at Karen's side. I don't understand. I don't understand. I certainly wouldn't have guessed Duluth, though. I just had to speak my mind. He doubted it could hold more. Veronica, he whispered, do you understand? The question was absurd, but she nodded. Then Vincent and Sarah came into her view. As the meeting concluded, and the client left with smiles of satisfaction, Alex couldn't help but feel a profound sense of accomplishment. What have you two been doing? It's my fault, Jack admitted, holding his hand to his forehead in melodramatic guilt. But you do, she said, her voice barely audible. Vincent spun and struck the canvas with his fist. He looked up, reflexively taking his hands from his pockets. Unless there was some weird sex thing going on. He heard the faint echo of her voice flying toward this world in a scream, but her rage would not reach him here, and her shouted commands would be whisked away ten thousand fathoms from his ears. In a single way his relationship with both women was identical: he stole from each one without mercy or guilt. Her hair was pulled back, tucked into a black and teal Florida Marlins baseball cap. A soft patter against the roof indicated that rain still fell steadily. His hair was still wet from the shower, but stiff with mousse as it dried. I don't have one yet, Mark said. Thanks, daddy, Veronica said. The pillow on which her head laid was perfectly suited for eternal rest, no neck would stiffen or grow weary on that cloud of feathers. Progression was slow, but finally all the groceries had been registered and bagged. She was too young; it was too soon after his wife's funeral. Nice to see you too, Veronica, he said. See who's got a job for me. He had confronted his past, reconciled with it, and emerged stronger for it. Oh? He loosened his tie, beginning to undress. His shirt was dirty with black streaks and splotches, and almost soaked through with sweat. Tim shrugged, not conceding the point. That's absurd, scoffed Vincent. She retrieved five bottles of water and a package of what appeared to be chocolate bars from her pack. Weeds grew as well, in varying degrees of success, but each in spite of the thick shade and heavy layer of decaying foliage. She had held in the pain almost completely, more so than even Vincent in many respects. You haven't even officially been hired yet. Follow me and you can say hello to Veronica. Talk to Rachel. At least Joel did not begin to sing again, for this, Vincent was grateful. Whatever, said Sarah. The car rumbled around him, its vibration slight, the tires whined low against the pavement. Vincent thought about this, deciding it was untrue. He sat by the T. He has no regard for his own safety sometimes. Veronica's voice returned his attention, Daddy, I'm getting tired. It's in the kitchen, Vincent said. Are you sure? she asked, somewhat surprised. She could have been a weirdo. I guess he's fine. Seeing his friend in the rear view mirror, Vincent exited the truck, his heeled shoes clapping against the petroleum soaked concrete. The market's closed. Where did I find the life insurance policy? Vincent thought. But from there I can either earn enough money to send myself back to school, or maybe get a decent office job. Oh, um. I know being a father is a lot of work, but she needs you, not us. I'll be in the other room, so call me. He sent flowers to me at work, then called to ask me out to dinner. The team, ever the observant bunch, erupted in playful cheers and applause, celebrating the budding romance. Vincent turned away from the steady procession, feeling foolish, and sought refuge in the viewing room. Alex, have a seat. I don't know, he said. He held the handle firmly and pushed the side of the blade to test the lateral stiffness. We can't start dispensing blame when we don't even know what really happened. Vincent lay down next to her. Karen would generally make one or two small comments about the weather and then depart, but Rachel's imploring look held her for longer than usual. Vincent looked at the date: four years ago. I've got a meeting in forty-five minutes with my regional manager. She's so young, and when her mother died it sent her whole world into a spiral. We'll probably shake things up soon. He remembered the mouthless scream of rubber and concrete. It would make things easier on you. He was alone in his house. Not really. Vincent was surprised. You have no reason to feel that way, Sarah said. How do you know all this? You're so new. I take my actions seriously. Thornton's office, he couldn't help but remember the anxious, trembling Alex from the previous day. Of course it is, Stacy said. Measuring with his hand, the gash extended from just above his ankle to just below his knee. We can stop at a Waffle House or something like that. He's just a kid. Give or take. Obviously. Sure, Joel said with lightness. Vincent walked away, leaving the door open. He looked down, into the twitching, open eyes of a dog, whose last moments passed under the scrutiny of three men, each incapable of understanding the confusion, pain and horror which consumed the animal. You're more impressive than I thought. We'll call you tonight with a definite answer, but plan on coming up Friday or Saturday. Karen thought it strange that they played with such energy. How would you have known? But you did. He and Karen had never taken the time to rent a safety deposit box, so he knew all their valuable documents were kept on the premises, but it had always been Karen's responsibility to track them, file them, and in cases such as this, retrieve them from their hiding places. Just take the next exit, then, he suggested. Arms crossed, almost shaking with anger, Amy let out a heavy sigh. Let's not argue, Amy, he said. Alright. Watching Joel play with the dog, Vincent felt that he had seen the animal before. His shoes clacked against the pavement until he stood before Tim's door. Tim acted as though he were immune. Sarah was leaning heavily against the passenger door, her eyes unfocused. Do you have any suspicions of who this might be? Oh, yes, she said. Two boys stood ashore, spectators now, but the large one had drifted to the center of the water, each side equally impossible, his raft floating uselessly away. It's been a big help. Walking into the kitchen, it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the light. It was his love. He couldn't erase his self-doubt entirely, but he coul d use it as motivation to prove himself. She continued, Live your life. That kind of dead-end crap. As the project continued to progress, Alex found himself taking on more responsibilities. Joel began lightly slapping the dog with his free hand, distracting him from his grip, but the snarl and growl came louder from the animal. He stayed close to the rear end of the pickup truck ahead and made the turn onto Club Drive under a red light. High, angular cheek bones descended across a flawless complexion into sharply defined jaw and chin. Sarah turned her palm upward to meet Vincent's embrace. He closed his eyes, hoping that she merely cried in her sleep and would not wake, or if awake, hoping that she would find comfort within herself. He went to the living room, again going to the desk drawer where his late wife's newspaper clippings were stored. Unwilling to continue down this path, Vincent changed the subject, I think it's time for you to get to bed. [incomlplete scene] [thirteen] I can't remember, Vincent said. I'm sure it'll be fine. At his present speed, little traffic passed him, and he was in danger of a ticket if the police were around, but he pressed down on the accelerator, anxious for the wait to be over. In truth, she could not remember the last time they had played together. Alec tried again with the same result. Just someone from a long time ago. Martha laughed with a scoff, I couldn't disagree more. Do you want to stop, or keep going? he asked. We've got to be able to do better than that. Maybe that was the problem. Vincent hung up the receiver, then went to the oven to check the progress of their pizza. Sarah Alexander, his wife's sister, greeted them, her husband Joel standing behind her. Among the new team members was a young software developer named Maya, who had recently joined the company. He ate, however, not wanting his lack of hunger to cause Veronica to not eat as well. Vincent stepped back and stretched to see to the back of the cupboard. For an instant, he wrestled with the decision of whether he should try to explain to Amelia that he wasn't trying to flirt, he just wanted to compliment her on the presentation, which had made an impact of him because it was at once technical and practical. I only have to get like three items. He nodded, unable to speak. If I was married, and my husband slept around, I would be hurt. It was two storeys high, built on a slope, with a third floor not visible from the front. That he'll let her stay there. Karen Fehr sank below the surface of the water and into an unconsciousness violated by penetrating pain and hopelessness. Still, he considered himself lucky and left it at that. Alex, she wrote, I think you did well in there. Looks nice, Tim said. Somehow this man approaching appeared frail, even gaunt. In the silence that followed, Karen shook her head, not capable of imagining the death of her daughter. He collapsed onto his bed, still uncertain about the outcome of the meeting but comforted by the knowledge that he had given it his all. Did you hear Vincent yelling a minute ago? Yeah, she said, starting back up the hill. She's your daughter. He was a flasher, too? asked Sarah. Can you stay a little later tonight? Not a problem, but no later than eight. I had fun. Vincent failed to plan that aspect well, not realizing she would need a source of amusement; it had always been Karen who groomed the child's happiness on these occasions. It would not be easy to walk away if he saw her; face to face, remembering what Amy had done for him, what they had done together, Vincent suspected that his resolve would not be strong. Why did she have to go, daddy? she asked, the impetuousness of the question surprising Vincent. Veronica, said Vincent with condescension, do you remember Tim? She shook her head no. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. You know, just working, trying to stay out of trouble. They had won the round, and the victory was a sweet reminder that they were not just coworkers but friends. A long time. Apology accepted. However, just when he thought he might be winning them over, Mr. Jenny, his childhood friend and the reunion organizer, spotted him and rushed over with a warm hug. At least it's a nice day, he said. Action divorced from thought by mechanics. I knew it then. He would have to do it better with Veronica. You're probably right, Karen said. As it rang, he walked back to his station outside the bathroom door. That's the nature of a suburb. Thornton but also the company's senior executives. The subject line read, Reunion Invitation. Vincent stared at his imperfect hands until it sounded as if Joel were directly above the kitchen, his footsteps resounding through the ceiling, penetrating the air between Sarah and her brother-in-law. Another driver would have received a different response. Just let it drop or it'll make it worse. There was a pause in which Vincent wondered himself if Rachel Arthur was still capable of watching after children. It always annoyed me, because she would never acknowledge that fact when we talked politics. He felt certain that she wanted to bring this to a conclusion without bitterness or guile. He looked back at the truck. No, she said. No, she said. Of course Roman Candles are always good, and I usually try to find something I've never bought before. Just hang in there. Ornaments in Jade, it read across the worn cover. It's easy to take care of kids when you have a wife to help and a stable environment to raise them in, but I have none of that. Of course. Of course. Of course. At this time, with the expanse of table between herself and Vincent, she could not summon the strength to fight. The laces bit into his fingers and the leather constricted his foot. He put on the cruise control and relaxed back into his seat. It was just after midnight. When is her due date? the calm voice asked. That's where I'm going, he said. Vincent could see miles ahead. Her short brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. * * * Between the clean sheets of the Alexander's guest bed, Vincent slept, a barely audible but almost continuous snore emanating from his throat. She nodded, He's done this a hundred times. As he wandered through the lush greenery, he came upon the gorilla enclosure. Flood lights on the front corners of the house filled the lawn with spanning pools of yellowed illumination. Vincent knew he would have to call Amy. Tim said, No. Martha and Sarah descended the grated steps carrying plates of uncooked meats. She was a coding wizard, seemingly ef fortlessly breezing through the challenges of the project. He dreamed mutely for a long time, but then, soft at first, but growing more intrusive, a sound entered. As he delved deeper into his introspection, he decided to seek the help of a therapist. That is until yesterday when I saw Joel. The one thing that had occupied most of Mark's intellectual life was now exciting to news media, financiers, and even the general public. He would have to go slow, and going slow he would lose more time, become even more weary of the journey, but there was no help this late in the game. Had it been day, and had Veronica not been there to hear, Vincent might have escalated the fight, raising his voice to a shout, but with this tactic denied, he remained mute, too drained to offer any defense to these accusations. Great plan, Sarah, Vincent said, but will the weather be good for a hike. There's a lot more to a good man than just keeping his thing where it belongs. He knew what they were speaking about in the moments preceding and following the imperative to smile and the all but inaudible click of the shutter, but there were others which brought back no memory at all. Veronica finished eating first, and asked to be excused so she could watch T. Are you a world-renowned Perl fucking expert who gives speeches at conferences about the joys of Perl and people come from miles around just to gaze upon your cluttered unreadable Perl code? More perplexed than ever, Mark said, No. The opposing team, momentarily befuddled by his antics, forgot about guarding their flag. Painful? Yes, Joel said. She turned to her co-worker to ask a question after almost every item, and, when she came across the produce, she could not identify even the most common of items. Yes, prompted the host. Joel stood up from his seat at the table, and said, Let's say good-bye to Sarah and the kids and we're out of here. With chairs on the ends of the table, the five adults and three children fit snugly. It can be tough at times, but I manage. I was walking through the lot when I saw the two of them together. To Vince's surprise Joel relayed the info to the clerk without pause, Two American Whirler's, and one of whatever that thing is on the top shelf. The three kids poked, prodded, and misbehaved. It was of no consequence to Vincent, who was simply relieved to have accomplished his goal. She wore an oversized, cotton shirt which hung down off her shoulders, stretch black sweat pants, and tennis shoes with pink trim. Why don't we eat, and you can think about where you want to stay? Sounds good. She's happy now though, and she'll be happy again. With the support of his team and the knowledge that he had faced his fears and triumphed, he tackled each challenge with determination and grace. It will fall soon regardless. It just happens. I'm waiting on a return call for a client. So Vincent listened, hoping that Rachel would say her three small words and leave, but he could hear that they were still speaking, their muffled conversation drifting until it was all but inaudible. He pushed aside a pile of his wife's shoes and lifted a small box of books onto a shelf in order to make room for door into the attic, which, against all logic, opened into the tiny closet space, instead of out into the wide attic. He fastened the knot of the tie around his neck as he walked down the steps, Veronica awaiting him at the bottom. Amy failed to notice how Tim left his apartment unlocked as though he trusted each and every member of society at the same level which he trusted his closest friends. We still have to find somewhere to eat. it's important. To his right, side by side in their lawn chairs, sat Sarah and Vincent. He just wanted to get back on the interstate headed towards their goal. Great, the host said. I suppose you're right, Joel conceded, but this is such a small town, I think my customers would be understanding. It was salty, the little taste it had stifled underneath the existing bile and bitterness on his tongue. Bobby was running from tree to tree in the yard, attempting some unknown destination, while Veronica ran after the oversized, orange softball. The doorbell rang, but before its echo died in the halls, Vincent had seated himself in the dark room with no intention of moving at all. Sarah grinned foolishly waiting for Vincent or Joel to speak, but neither seemed willing or even inclined to break the silence. Sure, she said, resuming the thread. Sitting in the den, each of the men holding a beer, Tim began to relax. In fact you didn't tell me about Veronica until we were standing on the doorstep of your home and you were unlocking the front door. That security was gone. I have some leftover batter. Alex, you won't believe this. Seated in a booth in the smoking section, men and women at the surrounding tables spoke both loudly and softly, but the isolation was convincing enough, and Vincent managed to forget that he was under the eyes of public scrutiny, and, in a rare moment, held hands with Amy across the table. Are you flirting with me? Heat rose into Mark's face and suddenly, once more, self-doubt washed over him. In the shade, it was much cooler than Vincent would have thought possible. Vincent reclined on the bed, smelling Amy on the pillow, watching shadows move across the ceiling. What have you been up to? Vincent had obviously been doing something physical before Tim arrived. It's all worthless. There, isolated, he placed bottle rockets, Roman candles, and all the other varieties of fireworks in an exquisite array, to be launched when both the light from children's sparklers and the sun itself had died away. His mind had wandered since entering the convenience store, and it took Vincent a moment to pick out his car from the others crowded into the station. Joel pushed a filled glass towards Vincent, who immediately took a drink, the liquid burning his throat, warming his stomach. Mark was not completely sure this comment was directed toward him, but as there was no one else in the room, he took the leap of logic. It's going well, Tim said. Joel was silent, feeling as though he had overstepped his bounds, but also suffering under the conceit that his opinion was correct, that it would be wrong to merely watch in silence. They grinned at each other, sharing a secret camaraderie that had grown stronger with time. Article after article, self-help blog after self-help blog, he absorbed every tidbit of information, desperate to find the elusive solution to his self-doubt. Before your daddy knows it you'll be a grown up princess and he won't even know what to do with you. The workday pressed on, and Alex delved into his project, lines of code dancing across his screen. Money's tight for the whole country. I haven't been a good parent. This isn't the best forum for public accusations. Up the hill before him there was nothing: blackness and darker shadows within the blackness. The ball bounced hard off the end of the rim, careening in the opposite direction, back towards the road. He looked at Vincent as a liability now. Who's Rick? Vincent asked. Hi, Stacy said. This is incredible, she said. Yet in spite of all of this, Mark had never met anyone this excited about software. Traffic moved again, this time more freely, without hesitation, and, faster than he expected, Vincent found himself making the right turn onto Steve Reynolds Boulevard. This isn't going to be easy for her. Along the way men and women staring indifferently. I'm not much help to her. Sarah, he said. She doesn't think she'll see you again if she goes to North Carolina, said Stacy flatly. You would have remembered this photo, he said. Time to wake up. Time to wake up. It's a long story, Jack said, waving his drink in a dismissive fashion, and not at all interesting. Yeah, said Vincent, imagining some brief chance encounter in a grocery store or mall. He knew he needed a plan. He jammed the brake pedal, his tires sliding on the wet pavement, but the small black shape scuttled into the undergrowth unharmed. A minute passed and just as she lifted her arm to knock again, the deadbolt slid to the side, and Timothy opened the door. Vincent followed Joel down the stairs and out the back door, where his first sight was the three children, unattended, none looking in the same direction, all three seemingly immobile and unoccupied. There was an effort to find girls from past semesters to come forward and rat him out, but no one would. No, Vincent said, shrugging. Do you know what it's like to lose your wife? he asked, yelling. Tim? he asked, approaching, certain that he was right. And he's been getting all the credit for the project's success, even though we've all been working hard. Reusable components of dynamic HTML. Are you working tomorrow? he asked. I waited until it would do me some good. I swear if I could have just one more big year I would get the hell out of this business. Then let me get dressed and we'll go. She reached out to him, lifting his lifeless arm from his hip; Vincent could see her bright pink nails biting softly into the flesh of Joel's wrist. This sight was expected, unsurprising. Thanks, Amy. He turned off the light beside her bed, then stood, leaving the room, once more leaving his child alone. One by one, he glanced at the papers and set each aside in turn. How do you know Joel? he asked. Instead, he felt a deep sense of determination and confidence. That's right, Sarah said, raising her voice. The gorilla's eyes met Alex's, and for a moment, it felt as though they shared a connection—a silent understanding that transcended the boundaries of species. Joel refilled both glasses. Relieved, Vincent said, So you never went out with him? No, I went to dinner with him the next night. That's big of you, she said. Joel provided replacements as each sparkler went dark. There was no sign of Veronica behind her. She sighed, submitting to what appeared to be logic. It could be a bitter ride with this partial stranger if she chose to make it so. The child he had picked up along the way, and though beautiful, her miniature legs would never allow her to navigate the steepness on her own; he was trapped alone; he was doubly trapped with her. And this must be little Amy, he said, bending down to her level and putting his fingers in her face as if he had some kind of doggy treat to give her. It was June and it would be a hot day. I'm her father. He managed to stop it on an acceptable station, and carefully he turned up the volume as the six o'clock newscast began. Vincent knew what was happening, knew that Veronica was frightened of him, and knew that Karen was disturbed by Veronica's fear. Joel saw rivulets of sweat running down Vincent's face, and beads standing out amid the hairs on his arms, but Vincent seemed oblivious to it all. I can do this alone, asshole, Vincent said. He had poured his heart and soul into it, and he was determined to make it succeed. I can imagine. I can imagine. Then it was over. They looked tired. I think it's a common mistake for people to be resentful about the ability to control their own destinies through hard work and opportunism. She hoped they were load and annoying on the inside. Richard seems a little nervous, and I guess I'm not ready to put my career entirely on hold. In line in front of them was a man from the middle east, a unusual occurrence in a town as homogeneous as Danville. Vincent merged into traffic. A couple of hours. She possessed an ability to put arguments out of her mind which simultaneously impressed and unsettled him. Possibly she had just fallen asleep after a party. With her parting words echoing in his mind, he climbed the stairs to his apartment. Chapter 4 marked a significant turning point in Alex's journey. Hello? Hi, Tim, he said, It's Vincent. A girl who in all probability was in high school when the relationship began. He walked up the four front steps to meet Sarah just before the door. It would only be a few hours before they were back at home, grilling burgers and hot dogs. Amy said nothing, not wanting to continue in the direction Vincent had chosen, and Vincent said nothing, not wanting to interrupt the visceral pleasure he was taking in his food. Karen thought for a moment, then lied. He sparked the lighter and held the short flame to the hole in the side of the grill. Vincent did not want to go into this line of conversation, but he also did not want to lie to this woman who had been so forthcoming. He doesn't take compliments well, Sarah said. The rain abated, from a pounding to a steady drone, after a time, but it was almost dark; the time had been lost and would not return. Vincent said, You should stick to just one type of card, Tim. Nothing at all, said Tim. He stayed to the center, knowing he would be struck by any oncoming car, but knowing as well that the edge was too dangerous. Not during the time I knew her, Vincent answered. What if I take her to Danville this weekend and she's happy? he asked. Had it been day, and had Vincent been so inclined to look, the height would have offered him a scenic view, worthy of any postcard mailed from the region, but darkness obscured beauty tonight, leaving Vincent only deep shadows of trees and the yawning valley to his left. Vincent moved closer and slid his body to allow light from the window to filter past. Vincent's repeated attempts to draw her into the conversation met failure, and, by the time Vincent and his daughter were ready to begin the drive home, Vincent had convinced himself that Sarah would say no, either now, or sometime soon, but still no. Where's your phone book, I'll call a few hotels? Standing from the table, Vincent left the room to get the directory. The discussion continued, with the executives probing deeper into various aspects of the project. He crossed the room, then held the frame close to his eyes, endeavoring to make out the details of the photograph. Hands shaking, he fumbled for the handle to the door, pulling it, opening the door just in time to vomit his breakfast into the middle of the street. We're about to eat, Martha said. He scrambled to the top in the direction of the light. Alex smiled warmly, recognizing the familiar refrain of imposter syndrome. You got all this from just driving by? Tim asked. He encountered what felt like the edge of a book. I'm taking Veronica and Vincent to see Moon Falls. Looking at each one in turn, Vincent was amazed at how infrequently he remembered the actual event represented by the photograph. I'm not so stupid to realize that this isn't easy for her. This is fun to you? Vincent asked. But you got over it? Vincent asked. With ambivalence, Vincent touch his foot to the brake pedal and signaled to the right. Her cheeks burned with anger and she could feel the hateful tears which pooled at the fringes of her eyes. The horrid woman dead, frigidly refusing his touch. What are the odds? This is incredible. Veronica is alive. Alec pondered that for a moment. Thankfully his wait was short. I've never hurt my daughter. We had only been talking for a minute and he just dropped his eyes right to belt level. She had cried her eyes red and swollen, but had stopped enough to choke out a question. Not a problem. Are you thinking of having another soon? We've talked about it. We need gas, he said. Absolutely. What about you sitting in the car with the windows up? Look at you, Joel said, gesturing with an open palm. She awoke with something of a start, her eyes wide, but the girl relaxed at the sight of her father; she yawned and closed her eyes again, sitting upright to put her arms around Vincent. Her face held a placid expression. As she walked away, Vincent noted that Martha was an attractive woman, much younger than her husband. Vincent, she began, her hard voice a whisper, when we went out for the first time I didn't know that you had just lost your wife. She didn't recycle it with the rest of the paper. We can't force you to take her. He opened his eyes, but the light was already green. It was something else altogether. He pushed open the door, ready to face his fears head-on, armed with a newfound perspective and the belief that he could prove himself , imposter syndrome be damned. I don't have a cat. If you could just give us a minute, Amelia said to Alec. Without fanfare, Joel took his place behind the row of fireworks. Vincent had his back turned to them. She was about to steal the most powerful emotion he had ever felt. Landscaping? That sounds respectable. Neither he nor Sarah moved to turn on any light, both content to wait in the morose colored den until the delivery man knocked on the door. She pressed her other hand into his palm, then released him altogether to put her arms around him in an embrace. It was Sarah? Vincent asked. The clouds had broken as he drove south toward Atlanta, and now, just past the South Carolina border on I-85, the sun was intolerably bright in his eyes. Alone again, he turned on the television, volume loud so he could hear it even when he wandered far away from the den. Great, she answered. It's just that no one ever flirts with me, so I'm not that good at recognizing it. Thornton leaned forward, his gaze steady. We don't want to be late getting back. Concrete gave way to gravel, churning beneath the wheels, and Vincent silently thanked the lack of progress on this mountain. I have enough trouble making decisions now. I'm not fit for this, she thought. I can't, he said. Her body shook, fighting tears which soon began to course onto her father's neck. Veronica let go, then crawled off the end of the bed. He remembered now that Karen had kept up with filing and retrieving in almost all cases, and so it was her organization which remained today. Over five hours of straight driving and now Vincent was alone, his child asleep, the world kept at bay by the car's windows and doors, he imagined the green all around him, a green now veiled in shadows that hours later would be bright with the heat of day. No more children. The basket rode the length of the automatic conveyer belt, stopping at the end just under the cashier's hand. There was plenty of parking. I am so hungry. Vincent moved closer for inspection. She had left the doors to both rooms standing open, allowing Vincent to see almost into his daughter's room, but the angle of the wall shielded this scene from his eyes. He had come a long way from the self-doubting software developer he had once been. Do you definitely want to have another baby? Christine nodded. You go on down and we'll meet you. Eyes on the road, Vincent could not see Sarah's face, and there was no movement from the small portion of her he could see that would indicate she was awake. The article began with an anecdote about a young woman who had struggled with imposter syndrome throughout her career as a lawyer. Vincent turned to look at the three children in the back seat of the car. Joel and Vincent joked, talked politics and sports. Two years ago, Sarah said. I really am just trying to help. Please, help! Karen was getting close to the drowning boy; Christine walked back down the embankment, stopping only when her feet sank into the chilled river and shallow mud. This was not a woman who wasted her time with outdoor activities that could risk tanning her skin. It came just moments later along with their salads and garlic rolls. He opened the door of his car and stepped out under the cloudless gray sky, stillness, stagnation hanging in the air around their home, birds and squirrels frantically mocking Vincent from the verdant trees. I can think of a few restaurants in the area that are probably hiring, Vincent suggested. ' Technically, this may apply to your situation, but we were hoping for a different slant. He left the car, crossing behind to the passenger side where he roused his daughter long enough to take her in his arms, their mutual luggage, a single suitcase, in his left hand, its hard plastic handle biting into Vincent's fingers. Her youth forced itself upon him. It leaves you defenseless. But I'm fine. Determined to address the issue head-on, Alex approached Tom and Lisa later that day. I'm a mistake. On the chipped surface of the concrete base stood a four, maybe, five foot tall suit of armor complete with halberd in its curved left glove. Good thinking, Vincent said. Help me stack them, Tim said. Go home. I slowed down and kind of looked out of the corner of my eye, thinking he was going to put his tongue in her ear or something. He took a step, breaking the spell. So we're going to the border to buy fireworks, and on the way back we'll get food for the cookout. I'd love to. The hairs on his limp arms stood erect. Vincent wanted to avoid another bout of crying; it was an emotional strain unneeded by either Veronica or himself. The degree of guilt concerned Vincent as much as the guilt itself. This in itself, the last aroma of a woman's perfume after she had departed, was enough for Tim, but he knew that no such philosophical consolation could satisfy Vincent. I'd imagine you could relate to that. The rest of the house could be just like this room, foreign, full of surprises he would never discover. We assumed you'd want to get her here pretty quickly. The cashier read out the total, but again the customer could not understand. Vincent crossed the kitchen floor, half-blind from the light, bare feet sticking lightly to the linoleum. The caption read, Fireman Restrains Mother After Learning of Her Son's Death. Can't we just watch the sunset? Tim, there is no sun. They exchanged hesitant glances but agreed to step into a meeting room. Vincent had only seen him once, over two years ago at a wedding, since that time, but they had stayed in contact either by phone or letter. Cars were passing him now as his speed dropped down closer to sixty. I don't listen to Bach much anymore. At the forefront of the motel's parking lot, a rusted chain link fence formed a small square around a concrete pedestal. Frustrated, he was at least glad that Veronica had fallen asleep. She ignored him. Thank you, she said, but received only a blank stare. Yep. Good. Good. I looked like a housewife. Alex couldn't help but smile at the praise. He was in a shallow ditch, covered by the stagnant water at the bottom. By the time he had reached the first stoplight, just a mile away, his hands had begun to shake, his skin chilled. The green shoots of confidence he had nurtured were now growing stronger, propelling him forward. Vincent silenced it once more, this time using the round black switch on its side. We're behind you. This food is ready, interrupted Vincent. Sarah and the children were now completely out of sight, having crossed a small ridge and descended into the small valley on the other side. A few minutes of industry could have cleared the room of debris, but the cramped space, the sheer closeness of the walls, magnified the clutter. Then she was on Vincent's street, his home sitting at the top of the small hill right at the beginning of a curve. Possibly the photo was taken before their marriage. You would have a real phone number to give out instead of a hotel room number. The other drivers stuck miserably in traffic cared only for their points of destination, as did Vincent. He looked at his watch. Not your fault, Joel said. He refilled both of their wine glasses, then their entrees arrived. Mark, ten years old at the time, had woken up in the middle of the night and wandered downstairs, pulled into the kitchen by the glare. My how she's grown. Veronica paused, considering what her father had said. I'll take her down. He held his foot until a collision seemed certain, then pressed with all his power, sending the tires screaming and smoking to a halt. She glanced up, animating her face, standing to approach her husband. He spooned less food on his plate than did Sarah. Veronica chewed her grease laden chicken biscuit. She might have been on her lunch break. She was gone down the street before Vincent or Sarah had time to notice her appearance or the sudden disappearance which followed. Or at least you don't answer if you are here. Things are always creeping or biting or sliming. You're a selfish bastard. It was all so opaque to him. Narrowly, his mind fed upon the loss. That sounds suspicious, Karen. A computer's voice began to list the numbers, which Vincent wrote down on the back of his checking account statement. He parked up the road from the entrance to their drive, not trusting his ability on the difficult slope. The team had worked tirelessly to reach this point, and the prospect of additional work was daun ting. It's inherently flawed. You, Mr. The fabric tore on the first two in line, but repeated blows were necessary to rip them all. Just now. Sarah roughly took her husband by the sleeve, saying, That's not what I meant. What do you do? Jack asked. Joel paused the game, then walked to the picnic table. He could not remember the sky as it was when they walked outside on their way to the car. He taught at many different levels, so he saw a wide range of the student population, but he always got involved with someone who was a teenager. He was just about to ask how things were with Amy when Vincent spoke: Why don't I get you a beer? Come on upstairs. She was a liberal, wasn't she? Tim asked. Calm prevailed, and Vincent touched her shoulder, possibly the first physical contact between the two. I was so upset I couldn't just let it die. Meeting went great. A wave of relief washed over Alex. It was almost a full six years ago. We started talking in a restaurant bar. Vincent said goodbye, then hung up the phone. It was a red tractor whose nose flopped down to reveal a mail cavity inside, and trailing behind, on a separate post, was a flatbed wagon, presumably for packages. Hey, Alec, she said with a forced chuckle, before you two head down into the cave, I'm going to borrow Mark for a minute. He works late a lot. The headline read, Bateman Resigns Amid Scandal, Accusation. But really that's about it. The more he worked, the more he felt like he was standing at the edge of an ab yss, one wrong keystroke away from falling into a bottomless pit of failure. They ran the code again, their eyes glued to the screen, and to their relief, the bug was resolved. Vincent, she said, astonished, how have you been? Oh, I'm doing all right. I can't remember the last time I had a Saturday off. Vincent smiled at the receptionist, who bared her teeth amiably in return. It'll be great to catch up and reminisce about old times. An unfamiliar login screen stared back at him. With each step, it seemed his head would bump against the stair above, as if this giant were too big for his own house, but the dimensions fit perfectly to the man, the wood and steel shaped and measured for the task. Second, how could he disguise all the time and money he spent on these students? There are trails, clues. But here is the strange part, almost every semester, the man - we'll call him Dr. A few simple words would explain away a mother's concern, but would also reveal a truth that he was not ready to face: Vincent Fehr hated his daughter. The first tiny trees gave way with no resistance, their thin trunks and wispy branches snapping and twisting into the hillside before the weight of the vehicle, but larger trees grew further down, their telephone pole trunks battering the steel of the truck's body. Marketing. He still shivered as the door opened and more light washed over his tired feet. Their success didn't go unnoticed by the team, and word of their breakthrough spread throughout the office. She hasn't checked the machine; she hasn't been home. He peeled the card away and read the inscription on the inside. Did you have fun tonight with Amy? She nodded, We played hide and seek and we watched The Lion King. Ramirez's advice. Do you think Joel will make it back in time? he asked. The angle was too extreme for him to approach directly. Karen kept it, though. Daddy is. It's over. Thanks for bringing Veronica back today, Rachel said, her voice tentative with age and temerity. Go check on Veronica, she said. Michael Keane, the broker who occupied the desk next to Vincent, stood to greet him. They shared stories of their lives, their successes, and their challenges. Of course not, Sarah said. If you get too many of those then you just end up setting them all off at the end of the night. Against the wall to his right stood a gray three door vertical filing cabinet. Ahead, in the driveway of a modest brick home to the right of the road, three boys played basketball. Help! Christine yelled, and it seemed like the wrong thing to do. Her features melted into definition. All three watched it hover like a small moon before crashing again to the earth. He took a step back to better examine the dog, but it was almost entirely devoid of distinguishing characteristics. He closed his eyes, and the illusion began to work its magic on his willing mind. You couldn't tell what he was saying, even when the door was opened. Along the pasty white walls hung several paintings, breaking the tedium of the room. What's on your mind? I think, the caller began, then stopped. Do I? she asked, leading. ÔWhat a beautiful movie!' and ÔWhat fabulous scenery!' and on and on. But I bet she has hurt you before. Vincent moved closer to the pair, whispering for his wife to come into the kitchen with him. I needed the isolation. You want to call Joel and the kids over? He began to empty the contents of the grill onto a platter, piling burger on burger and surrounding them with a ring of burnt and semi-burnt hot dogs. This was something she had not expected. Anyway, I was thinking it would be good for her, and me of course, to get away from the house for a weekend. She shook her head in disgust, saying, You don't waste any time do you? And what if you don't feel fatherly enough to fetch her in the fall? I'll pick her up before school, regardless of my feelings. I remember when you first started, and you were filled with self-doubt. Alex answered every question, addressed every concern, and defended his project with unwavering determination. What about the driver? He drove away. She's petrified. Once more he rifled through the contents, searching for that one piece of paper which would stand out from the rest, but the pages in Karen's handwriting appeared to be mostly notes and criticism of poems, and the correspondence he encountered were commonplace letters expressing nothing of significance. Karen's death affected him. But the change had been a welcome one, and Veronica had asked for Chinese several times since. Veronica was worth it. Alec laughed. There was a pause, in which Vincent had nothing to say. Timothy shrugged, then said, No. Unless you took on a partner, or had some unexpected influx of capital. The wipers swept voraciously, but had little hope of matching the pace from above. A while. The hike now seemed meaningless, a morning wasted. He pressed the snooze button with his open palm and lay back against the pillow. Casually, she dropped the book on the couch, making no effort to preserve her place. Sarah laughed, not understanding the situation, Men never want to believe their wives would cheat on them. I'll help you find it. That makes no sense. He closed the door. Confused, she asked, You won't come with me? I'll come visit -- almost every weekend -- but I have to stay in Atlanta and work. At the back of the complex, he found the familiar sight of Tim's apartment. The first tree hit the back side of the truck, just at the wheel, pushing it almost head first down the mountainside. I call our friends. Worker solidarity really is just like the most foreign thing to you guys? I don't understand, Mark said. Do you think it will help? Won't she feel abandoned? I think it's what she needs, and I think it's what I need. She was clearly younger, and her hairstyle would have dated the photograph, but it was a winter scene, and the hat she wore eliminated that clue. Karen scraped her utensils across her plate in rhythm with the rest of the family, but, as Vincent filled the silence with inanities, she concentrated on Veronica, trying to solve the puzzle of her behavior, for even though her eyes were now dry, and the fear or pain that had caused the tears had abated, still it was Karen's duty to know and to understand. No, he said, then qualified his answer, hoping to diminish the harshness of the fact. The team gathered in the conference room, their tired but determined faces reflecting the countless hours they had poured into the project. With the glass storm door between them, they waved to each other. It may help her open up. Amy despaired. It's important to plan ahead, said Joel, tapping his temple as if to emphasize his own intelligence. He was dressed and ready to leave, had, in fact been walking toward his front door when he heard the steady sound of heeled shoes on the walkway outside his apartment. What you're going to build. The weight was so slight, almost imperceptible at first. Alex nodded, his heart still racing. Timothy crossed into the small section of the room designated for kitchen use. Tiring, but I didn't have any trouble finding the place. I don't think we're going to learn anything from these. Mark? The receptionist was back. Sarah, on the bricked area near the house, poked at the coals of their grill, waiting for them to heat up. She remained athletic and active. Have some consideration for Veronica. That answer was simple. You didn't want help. How can you not know your own phone number? I try not to keep numbers in my head. Don't give up hope, quipped Vincent. It's easy once you know what you're doing. Joel and Vincent were next. It adds to the fun, he answered. The ground was soft from last night's rain, some areas slippery still with mud. It would all fade, less swiftly than flesh, but moving relentlessly towards nothing. Lot's of chances to improve, to make more money. Alone, however, he was defenseless. Tim asked, Didn't Karen read it every day too? Yes. The project has potential, and you've shown that you're willing to adapt and learn. Vincent found the maneuver impressive, subtle in its execution. That's not what I'm trying to get at, though. Vincent turned to look at his sleeping passenger. Am I supposed to remember all of them. It was not until the windshield of Amy's car passed into the shadow of the house that she could see what was happening. Is that coffee over there? It is. You could have written, Vincent accused. I'll be over an hour late by the time I get home. When he entered Mr. Vindicated, he could relax back into his seat. He awoke to an uncontrollable shaking, his body's attempt to find warmth. Espresso? Banana? No thanks. Jenny had attached an old photograph of their high school days, a time when they were both young and carefree. The waiter arrived with their food. They rode in the same black car, at the spearhead of the line of cars, a position of dubious honor. I'm like a kid in a candy store, and now that they take Visa, it's easy to spend way too much money. I own a copy myself. The receptionist peered around the screen, a bemused look in her eyes as though seeing him for the first time. That's really great that engineering has it's own floor, Mark said in attempt to distract himself from the stalking receptionist and also sound smart, or at least observant, to Alec. It was a short drive from this point, and soon they had arrived at the park. She wore a short green skirt, black hose, and patent leather shoes. Anything else in this drawer? Tim asked. But it's not the best thing for her, and we both know it. But this time, he was determined not to let it consume him. So you're taking her up to North Carolina this weekend? Stacy asked. I mean, I've figured that much out for myself, but I don't understand the significance of these articles. Are you going to eat like a pig the whole meal, or can I expect some kind of manners from you? His good demeanor unabated, Vincent swallowed then answered, Sorry. Christ, he said. The sky was black, stars obscured by a thick layer of threatening clouds, but still people walked in the warm night air, their animals and spouses dutifully at their sides. Veronica would be unable to see any of his face. Forget about it. I just wish he'd get in touch with me. With Sarah there, all these hindrances would slide into background static which Vincent could readily ignore. His wife saw. He focused on the road. Listen. Her arms were crossed naturally over her chest, and a rosy rouge blushed her cheeks in a color she had never achieved during life. Not that kind of exposure, returned Jack. Alex scribbled ideas on a notepad, outlining how he would present his progress on the project, highlight his contributions, and demonstrate his commitment to its success. She paused, waiting for a reaction. Great stuff. Karen felt it against her leg. Vincent was quiet for a time, thinking about how well he could identify with that kind of pain. Mouth full of veal, he looked at her expectantly. When Sarah and Karen would get together, they acted like reunited twin sisters, matching clothes, completing the other's sentences and thoughts. The children now were looking down the hill at something out of Vincent and Joel's sight. Limping in the dark, the road suddenly gave way before him. Veronica asked, How long? Vincent shrugged, not sure. You found her a virgin and there's no other man for her, right? That's not it at all, said Vincent. He was in his truck before it slammed shut, and though it was there before him too obvious to miss, Vincent failed to register that he had not locked his home, or even closed the heavy, painted wood door which kept his valuables, his privacy safe. With a sigh of relief, he realized he had a few hours left before the meeting. Sarah gave the waterfall a cursory glance, then quickly retired to a bench at the rear of the observation deck. He reread the card, searching for significance in its message, but there was none to be found. He could listen no more. Rachel and Karen were left alone. I think I really scared him. This is great, Tim said. He parked his car next to a black dumpster. I can't drink. They lingered for close to half an hour at the site of the waterfall, then began the walk back. Don't let her wrangle you into support tasks, OK? Alec said as they walked – mostly – beside each other. I want to have another child. Vincent poked at a small chicken cube and thought. He loves the dumb hillbillies, and the sixty hour work weeks. Conversation fell away for a time. Can't really concentrate anymore. Startled, Vincent released his daughter, reaching around her to turn the TV off. I just wanted to turn it all off. Sometimes I go to the park, too, Tim said. He covered his eyes with the palms of his hands, cooling a heat which had centered on his face. To Vincent, his daughter seemed stiff and uncomfortable. Vincent spoke quickly, I don't even remember making the decision to stop. It was not as if Tim's job as a landscaper were meant to provide a career. Why don't we meet at Rio Bravo at seven thirty? I've been wanting Mexican recently. It's not hard, and they're much better than what you can buy. He continued to watch the pot until the noodles were cooked. I don't like being pinned down. For whose benefit, Vincent? she asked, moving closer to stand over him. He kissed his daughter goodbye, leaving her in the hands of the day care center. Maybe they were all written by the same person. Don't worry, Joel said. Vincent let it cycle several times through the frequency range before stopping on the clearest station. After a tense silence, he finally spoke. But it's important- Vincent stuttered. That was probably old, he said. What? How can you say something like that? Timothy continued, undaunted, Just an observation. Vincent, with his plea open now, could do little but wait, providing a calm appearance and displaying as much patience as he could manage. He hadn't seen Rachel Arthur nearby, but he also hadn't looked very hard. Funny, I can't remember why it got that name. She blinked them away, unwilling to cry, unwanting to feel anything at all, in response to such an insensitive, treacherous man. She had already slowed the car, committed herself to entering his driveway. What does it mean? It means you have to take the job. Vincent remembered picking up Veronica at the day care. A hill rose before them which Vincent negotiated with greater difficulty than did his friend, whose steady ascent indicated experience with this task. He wanted to brick up the doorway behind him, somehow shut it off from the rest of existence, but the tiny click of the latch would have to suffice for now. It just flows. The geniuses behind go. But the moment passed and Amy knew she would have to make one more effort. No, he said to Joel, I picked you because you were the only choice. Like a man putting his arm deep into a hole, he could not afford to think of what lined the walls or what may be at the bottom. Long, even strides carried Vincent to the front door, and without slowing or pausing to look around one last time, Vincent clicked the metallic latch out of place and swung the glass storm door wide. What did you say to him? asked Sarah of Joel. It's a thirty pound mutt, Joel said. There were swords, so he knew the suit, and it was a high number, but he could not recall it exactly. Alex opened the email, his curiosity piqued. So why do I feel like a failure? He was baiting her. He had been participating in this activity for close to half an hour, and was looking for an way out. As she passed, her shoulder brushed Vincent who turned to absorb the blow, then sat down on the edge of the bed. Honey, he whispered, leaning close. It was the first time Mark had seen one of the new machines in person, certainly there had been none on campus, where all coffee came from cloudy pots on BUNN burners. Hiding – that's what it was; he couldn't deny it – in academia, a meandering path of pursued degrees, had insulated him from this energy. Vincent had offered various suggestions earlier in the day - it was a Sunday - but each one had been shot down in turn by his moody wife. The therapist helped him explore the o rigins of his imposter syndrome, tracing it back to early experiences and self-beliefs that had taken root in his psyche. Not now, but in the future, he would remember Amy, a woman who held his crying daughter in the night, who smiled at him across the dinner table weeks and months after the only love of his life lay decaying in the earth. Behind Vincent and Joel, the line was beginning to lengthen with impatient customers. Yeah, said Joel, distracted now by the tape player. It's going well, she answered. , but -- And male security guards watch the monitors. Vincent could find no beauty in it. I wanted to see what he was like. Through the windshield, father and daughter stared at each other. He was a vicarious inclusion in the subject of the art, yet he had not been included in the act. Why don't you let me buy you lunch and then we could eat together. Vincent's ears reddened under the realization that the remark was meant for him. I had plenty of time to stop, but it was a close call because I hesitated. Sleep on it, and we can talk tomorrow. The man furrowed his brow and said, What? as if he did not hear her clearly. Vincent stood without hesitation, giving the decision no more thought. In his other hand, he held part of a cinder block. Vincent began to clear the dishes from the table, but stopped when he noticed a letter on the bookshelf in the corner. Veronica, said Karen, you spilled some peas onto the table. He took the mug from Alec and sipped at the coffee, wondering if he needed stimulants or if there was another way. He knew that soon she would come by to ask why he had not seen Vincent, and so he had gone to fulfill the promise made days before. Just after nine he went to bed, and with the house darkened inside and out, he slept. I guess so. In the quiet of the night, Alex realized that he had come a long way since that morning when imposter syndrome had threatened to consume him. Maybe we can help spread the fame a little farther. Do you think he's capable of cheating on you? the host asked. You were watching from the bushes. There was no reason he couldn't try another day. Gorgeous floor to ceiling windows looked out on a glorious sky and the beautiful gray city below. Beautiful, said Sarah. Joel was doubtful, Just like that? Just like that, Sarah said. I said that I was sorry, Joel said, removing his wife's hand from his arm. Surveillance cameras. Vincent doubted this assertion, but left it unchallenged. I should go, Tim said. Thornton's office, he found his manager engrossed in a document. After all, he reasoned, it may not be as easy as she thought to get a new job. This explains why he hasn't called me. Let's take five, Mark. Isn't that ridiculous? I was such a stupid little kid. Smitty was a hard man, and did not like for any member of his crew to step out of line. Then behind him and to his right there was a glow of warm light. You can't save him. Don't you think it will fall if you add to it? Vincent asked. No, said Tim. I just wish Karen could be here. Can she see us? Veronica asked, her voice tinged with expectation. And now, after she dies, you find a drawer full of clipped articles. He had read from the book - when she was away - and many others like it, but could never understand the attraction of the clipped phrases, obscure references, and uneven meter. But he could still be a good man. There aren't a lot of towns to just wander through. She wanted to return the compliment, but his flesh was doughy even beneath the bulk of his clothes, and he had not shaved in several days. He accepted the promotion with gratitude and a sense of determination to continue his jo urney of self-discovery and leadership. Better go, he said. Absolutely, said Martha. They could read the paper and know that on the morning of the day printed in smudged ink at the margins of the page, these exact words passed through the mind of Vincent's now dead wife. The dog's fur was a mottled brown, probably intensified by its time spent on the dirt lot. He turned up the volume on the radio, prepared for a dull, uneventful ride. The room, with its sandy brown carpet stretching seamlessly into the hallway, and the unused furniture - tables, plush chairs, a plant stand - all suddenly appeared new, as if Vincent had seen none of it before. He groped for the top of the book, then, that secured, compressed the pages low enough so he could insert the knife with the other hand. It is, but he can go really fast. That would be fun, she said. So what's the moral of this story, Jack? asked Sarah. There was no one around. He was chosen to satisfy Amy's urge for knowledge. Stacy, that's not how it'll be at all, Vincent defended. Vincent hung up the phone relieved. That's what I thought when I saw her. She began to tune the radio, searching for a station, frustrated that all his presets were news and talk stations. It should be real quick. He would have to return to this later, he thought. You plant her in front of the TV when she has nothing to do, and when she does talk you ignore most of what she says. Frenetic times, Mark. At this, cold fear trickled through Vincent, tightening his skin. If you don't mind my saying so, you've been acting weird. Veronica's birth certificate was not among the pile, but it had to be somewhere in the house. He was confused until he realized he was still staring at the letter. No, she answered, her voice mocking Joel's serious tone. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Perfect men don't date women two weeks after they bury their wives. They wouldn't send Veronica back where she wasn't wanted. It's the fourth of July. Sarah and I won't abandon her. This is my exit. Veronica was stretching for a box of her favorite brand of peanut butter cookies when Don Schutz walked around the corner. As usual he was disoriented despite the clarity of the directions he received, but once turned around he had a good feel for where to expect the store, and, rounding the corner in the road, the red, yellow and orange sign, bright like a box of Tide, hung in plain sight on the side of the brick building. Vincent took a drink of Gatorade, spitting it again onto the sidewalk. His two friends screamed at him, and he responded with panicked, water-muffled cries. There is no time. I'm all ears, Tim, she said. They sat in silence, systematically drinking until the six pack was finished. The next article was one of four with no accompanying photograph. Stay buckled until we get to the park. Tim Scheaffer, one of his closest friends throughout college, had left for California within a week of graduation. Find a hotel tonight. I didn't wake you up, did I? No, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't regret answering the phone. Joel spoke faster, hoping to finish his thoughts before Vincent caught up with the group, She needs you. His explanations were m et with nods of approval, and he could see that some of the executives were beginning to warm to his vision. Two glaring flood lights at either end of the house shining fearlessly into the night. Why couldn't he just keep both of us? Why did he have to chose? Do you think she found out? Vincent asked. At one point, she said, facing the closet, Bill began to scream, and Liz went in there just to see if he was going to get violent. Moreau was that in this case he had not yet succeeded. He wondered if Sarah could be made to understand this reasoning, if she could come to nod her head at the assertion that even good men cheat on their wives. He chuckled. He returned Veronica's birth certificate to its file, still not sure why it was located under D, unwilling at this time to alter his wife's system. Vincent, anger welling, pushed aside his guilt. I'm no dummy. Green leaves brushing against his face, tiny branches poking sharply into his body, Joel touched plastic with the ends of his fingers, and, with a quick flip, knocked the Frisbee onto the grass. He hung up the phone, this time placing it in its cradle on the wall. Vincent took a break to put Veronica to bed, returning a few minutes later to find that Tim had stopped reading and was looking through the parted curtains out of the front window. Vincent shook his head, unable to credit the woman next to him with that level of cunning. Sounds exciting, Vincent said. Let's go. Denied all alternatives, she was forced - again - to believe otherwise. He punctuated the end of his sentence by slapping his neck. Check the T. Pick one, Vincent said. Mark! he yelled, and the boy turned. Sometimes the children would recognize him, and call out to Veronica that her father was here, but Vincent could never tell the children from each other. At least now, he thought, I won't be forced to look at my daughter. Her question was not answered. Then I'll see you in about an hour. A final impact brought the truck to a stop. I'm happy. We are laser focused on e-commerce. Vincent, a deep breath later, straightened the car and drove off, checking for any sign of the animal in his rear view mirror. I accept. Well if we can't have breakfast, he said, why don't you meet me for lunch. Stop lying. She would determine this fact another way. That's taken up a lot of my time the last two weeks outside of work, of course, said Vincent. Not today, sweetie. It amazed Amy that anyone could live like this. He hurriedly searched through his notes, his fingers dancing across the keyboard. Daddy, said Veronica now standing at the threshold of the room, the light went off. Did you look at the photo? He held the article up for Vincent, who nodded. He had not only proven himself capable to the senior executives but had also earned their trust and confidence. I like my job. The door opened, accompanied by a rush of heat and sound. Joel was almost to the truck, his steps carrying him steadily away from Sarah. I try my best. Vincent went to the den without delay, without waiting for self-doubt to temper his resolve. Johnson had been a source of inspiration for Alex, someone who had recognized his potential even when he couldn't see it himself. We talked about the weather and how nice this restaurant was and what we were going to eat. The butch cut did nothing to detract from her beauty. You both agree. An octagonal window at the far end of the room let in some illumination, but Vincent found the switch on the wall, and flicked into life the two uncovered bulbs which hung indecorously from the ceiling. We have to predict these things. For all I know I might officially still be employed, but they haven't paid me. There was a pause, then it all erupted in a tiny explosion of heat and light. He decided that it was time to inform Veronica. Across a valley, perhaps a little over a mile away, was a steep hill face, craggy with rocks, with a waterfall splashing down from the top. Why did we come here? she asked, much of her earlier friendliness gone out of her voice. Did you go to many games when you lived in California? Tim had. Timothy surveyed the run-down surroundings. He did not understand. In this, she and Vincent were at cross purposes. It's only a matter of time before Home Depot makes it to this hick town and then I'll really be screwed. No one liked it. With certainty, Vincent concluded that Sarah must be the object of their stares, that something must be wrong. This time it worked. He had not expected to pick up a woman, but looking at her face only furthered his surprise. Maya, you're not alone in feeling that way. I don't have to eat. You'd probably try to sell nails to people on the trail if you came along. She needs her mother. You had my number. I can't believe it, she said into his ear. How's Vincent? he asked, hope in his voice. Does that not mean anything to you? He stopped eating. Nor did the multitude of used paint tubes, some discarded empty on the floor, some still with life in them stacked on a crate just behind the easel. How was your day? Alex gave a half-hearted smile. He had been the quiet kid in the back of the class, always doubting his abilities, always feeling l ike he didn't quite belong. OK, Mark said, his disorientation fading. Alex's heart swelled with a mix of anticipation and trepidation. Are you feeling well? I feel great. Alec placed a decaf pod in one Keurig machine and a regular pod in the machine next to it. I was just in the basement trying to build a book shelf. It may be difficult for him to relate with Veronica, but still, I worry about their relationship. Quickly, he grew restless and bored. Joel arrived at the table with a bottle of Scotch and two tumblers filled with ice. I've been there, Vincent, Amy said. Alex had always been an overthinker, and tonight was no exception. He opened one bottle and handed it to her, then sat down on the other side of the table. But yes. How's that cheese coming? Do you need any help? She answered, Nope. HR is on the floor above– I think I was supposed to meet with someone from HR, Mark said. Great. Great. He walked past the girl, not recognizing her, but he immediately knew Karen Fehr. His monitor's glow illuminated his weary face as he stared at lines of code that seemed to mock him. Don's toothy smile faded some. I want to know what happened. She could have been hired. He watched Karen's back until a feeling of helplessness overcame him. He then lay, almost on his side, as the hill was steep. Vincent unlocked the passenger side door to his car and opened it for her. That's all I can take for one evening. She sacrificed some strength in an effort at signaling someone on the shore, but could not be certain if her waving arm was seen. Mark pointed to the whiteboard. You're growing so fast. The silence, the darkness if he chose to let it remain, were for him alone. So much truth in those tiny eyes, he thought, and now they knew, or at least suspected, so much. They were working through a particularly thorny bug that had stumped them for days. She paused, thinking, then continued, He left before I woke up. Thornton's office made his heart sink. He's probably just going through a tough time. He looked over, but her eyes were already closed, her face blank as it rested on the door. Most of time, she enjoyed flirtatious men who openly admired her, but she had never liked Don, and his stares left her with an uncertain, unfocused anger. On the edge of the table sat an inch high stack of cards, unused in the structure. At home she unpacked the groceries, keeping a watchful eye on the clock. It was fifteen minutes after seven. I heard this morning they lead the majors in team batting average. Face turned towards the table, he resumed eating his salad. You won't say or do anything until much closer to the time, but I don't think you'll be here in August. Arriving at the gleaming glass tower that housed his workplace, Alex joined the stream of tech-savvy commuters, each one seemingly more confident than the last. There was a long moment of silence. He was watching the children play. Dinner's ready, you two, he said. It's work, he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. We'll reconvene tomorrow to discuss our final decision. This is the same man who fired Alexander two weeks after his daughter died, said Vincent. Are you guys hungry? Did you get something to eat on the way? Sarah asked. And if that is not proof enough, I saw him exposed to his wife with my own eyes. She did not speak. Thanks, he said again. Thanks for coming over. All in an effort to better understand the woman who once was his wife. How could you ignore her like that, Vincent? She needs more out of you. But this woman, oblivious to anything but her own silly feelings about the film, starts rambling to Martha. I've done this before and not gotten very far but taken a long time to do it. For his life Vincent could not think what he had done to deserve this cruel insult. Christine was looking placidly towards the water. The team sat around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and sharing stories. She was progressing slowly, but Vincent was patient enough to wait. And of course he still works at McKinley Bradson. He left that thought alone; he would not go to that place in his mind. Tim asked, You vote republican, don't you? Always have. Julie from HR will be right down. Timothy was powerless to help. He wondered about the card he had found, the single card which had reached the floor when Tim's house came tumbling down. Tim was apparently nervous, putting his hands first into the pockets of his pants, then pulling them out again just as quickly. It was Sarah Todd, Joel's friend from the day before, whom they had met at the fireworks stand. –all of them except the big pillar. tim convinces amy to go see vincent again, to confront him even though she no longer is romantically involved. , she said. He felt its vibration with as much certainty and corporeality as if it originated outside his own body, a string pulled across the air instead of across his mind. Sarah, I know that we have never been that close. But that's not the point, they've put 'em in the women's facilities as well. We're growing, Mark, Alec said. Tim, shouldn't we be facing west? Traditionally, he answered, but I find the eastern sky far more interesting at sunset. This funeral was the theater where emotions could be played to their end, but Vincent removed himself, refused to act his part, secure in the belief that he acted - or refused to act - with impunity. Vincent shook his head, laughing now. First I should say that I'm sorry. I know she's a little younger than that, but we'll go slow. Her ears rang with the pain, and the eye stayed shut against her will. He was going to be late, so every minute he could save would be helpful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone else should be doing this, he thought. Vincent began to wonder if his friend was attempting to memorize its contents. Oh, said Vincent. What were they talking about? She shrugged, pacing to the far side of the room. Veronica would grow taller, perhaps even more athletic than her mother. Christ, she muttered, covering herself self-consciously. There was silence, or at least a pause in the conversation, for the road sounds and the low voice of a radio news commentator provided a background. Just beyond the range of the glow and shine, deep shadows marked the cavernous forest to either side. So, just the right amount of makeup, no bright eye shadow, hair pulled back in a bun, gunny sack flowery print dress to completely hide my figure, and sensible shoes as if I was going shopping all day long. I don't think I've ever influenced him. Tall buildings to poke out over the hills, to end the tedium of one-story structures that dominated the town. He finally sifted through the eleven newspaper clippings, carefully spreading them out in rows across the floor. Amelia typed furiously for about ten seconds, said, Wait here, to Mark, then exited through the inner door into the office. He drove by Vincent's house several times, looking for the mysterious bulb planter. You know you are welcome, Vincent. The sky turned shade after shade, refusing to stay firm, refusing to choose. Sarah picked it up and tossed it up the hill to the waiting children. Thanks, but I'll pass. Vincent had no regrets about his daughter's departure; the last thing he wanted was to confront either her or his own feelings. Could one of you get this thing down for me? I'll wait in the car, Vincent said, then turned and walked back toward the house. Let's go, but don't run too far ahead, and don't leave your cousin behind. I didn't mean to knock it down. He put her off of his lap, then stood. Bye. Bye. Bye. It's not a long walk, but I brought some bottled water and snacks for when we get to the end of the trail, she said. Alec sat down at the table with Mark. We saw a waterfall, and went to uncle Joel's store, and ate pizza, Veronica said. You think I'd rather be in that stinky store than out with you and the kids? Yes. It was an offer that both thrilled and terrified him. Those poems run together after a while. Karen Fehr would not have wanted her daughter to live in a house of misery, devoid of any joy, consumed by the self indulgent father who night and day thought only of his deceased spouse. Vincent replaced the card on the pile. Karen and Christine stood together, then trotted, still mesmerized, to the river's edge. Daringly he asked, Who was it? What kind of car was he in? Rachel didn't see, and Veronica won't say anything. But I saw what was going on. It intensified, then more again. But that's still the way she feels. He had no idea what Alec was getting at. How are you doing? We're doing good, thanks. She bent indelicately to retrieve her fallen robe, which lay near the foot of the bed, discarded carelessly. No response. Vincent slept through the alarm that morning, but awoke to the sound of Amy showering. Really? I would think that at that age, they would all start to look alike. Mark had heard the door click out of place with each successful batch read. Hi, John. Moreau would have had to have been an idiot. Alec Rea had been in the news, on magazine covers, and all over the Internet. Let's do this right. I don't want to go without you. She followed him to the door, watching him safely to his car. But it's obvious that we need to say something to him, What can we say? I've already tried to point out that sending her to his sister-in-law was the wrong move, for both of them, Amy said, but he doesn't seem to care. She doesn't want me Vincent. Parking was bad at this time of day, so he was forced to find a place in the rear of the building. Alex stared at the photo for a moment, a rush of memories flooding back. As monumental as Karen's death was to me, I can't expect the world to come to a halt just for my benefit. The top was down, cassette tapes and other junk littered the floorboard and seats. We're moving too fast for that and I wish that there was some way for us to slow down and do it right, whatever right is. Vincent opened the door, hesitating before he walked outside, half expecting to see the couple still arguing in the parking lot, but they had left. Sure, she said, unbuckling her seat belt. He glanced around at his colleagues, their screens filled with complex code that seemed to make sense to everyone but him. Tim said, It will be difficult for her. On a wooden stool behind the counter, the attendant sat listening to a radio broadcast of a NASCAR race. But what if we keep going that way? Vincent said, pointing down the road, away from I-85. She's too young for this much grief and loss. He hesitated, unsure how to approach her. Apology accepted. Do you know Perl? The programming language? Amelia ran water on the smoking bag of popcorn. He started his car, waiting a minute to allow the engine to warm before pulling away. Her reaction to seeing Mark again was as it had been earlier: fear, and a quick exit in the opposite direction. His legs were already in motion, pushing his body up from a sitting position, then propelling him towards his upstairs bedroom. So you exchange grief and loss for rejection, she said. Forget it. The car now wound through the hills of Vincent's neighborhood. Like her plants, he needed nurtur ing, care, and belief in his own potential. We just want to make sure our hard work is recognized, too. That's the most important thing. Thornton. Thornton. Thornton. Thornton. Thornton. Thornton. They're taller. He turned off the phone and placed it on the dining room table. Sarah shook her head, You say that every year. But beneath the surface, there was a deeper layer of emotion. Joel and I know this has been difficult for you and Veronica, and we'll do anything we can to help. Neither Bob nor Ruth had any further comment. He washed his hands, leaving behind only a small trace of soap bubbles in the sink. Still she wanted not to be alone. Hi, Joel, Jack said, his voice effeminate. The road was winding, with trees close and no sign of a town. This project's success is a team effort, and I'll do my best to ensure that everyone gets the recognition they deserve. Outside, the children wailed. You're right. Come on, Vincent said. I'm glad you remembered. Timothy stood from his chair, then crossed the room to retrieve two folded lawn chairs from behind the couch. I would have helped, he said. Vincent stirred the noodles, scraping a few strands of the burned pasta from the bottom of the pot. Her methodical search ended almost an hour later. It better not be some cheap eight dollar lunch like last week. If I'm going to sell any widgets tomorrow then I need to get to sleep. He had hoarded nothing. Thanks a lot, and I look forward to seeing you this weekend. A track ball pointer sat on top of a spongy RealPlants. Vincent knew he had never seen that fountain before, and the city in the background looked foreign as well. That's amazing. Which you said we had plenty of, Vincent countered. The boy fell away from Karen, into the strong and patient arms of the blonde jogger, his hair now matted down over his eyes. Joel leaned forward and kissed his wife on the cheek. You hide behind me, and your work, and then you send your daughter away. I think it would be good for Veronica. Daddy will be late for work. Sarah saw the look of satisfaction, the knowing half-smile. But you stopped? Tim asked. We're on the move! He turned and walked through the inner door. Moreau or his student could have seen her, but she looked directly at them. Inaction was not in her nature. He squeezed his daughter's hand and began to walk faster, eager for the cool air conditioning of the Alexander's van and an end to the heat and humidity which had dominated the latter part of this morning. he said. I was worried for a second. She remembered well Don's insincerity and his habit of staying at least two hours longer than he was welcome. Tim thought that he could leave immediately, without confrontation if she was in the yard as Amy had seen her, but she was not. Amelia leaned forward. The office was real! Rows and columns of short beige cubicles, beanbag chairs, primary colored breakout rooms, and a stunning view. But I wasn't about to give it up right away. But I couldn't get the lines of code out of my head when I went home at night. You've shut it all off. Chapter 3: The Crucible The air inside the conference room felt thick with tension as Alex squared his shoulders and faced the gauntlet of scrutiny. All around the highlight, glaring inward with fervor that matched the outward sun, a deep blue iris pooled to encircle the pupil of gold. She turned, crossing her right leg, putting one foot underneath her. Hi, Amy, Vincent said. It was a dead end. Few ever misbehaved in the direct sight of Rachel Arthur. Don't be ridiculous, Joel said. Karen had to meet Christine soon, but she wanted to keep Veronica with her as long as possible. In the kitchen, he took the phone receiver from its cradle on the wall, and dialed for information. He again pulled her close, not knowing how long to hold the crying child. We need someone who can oversee the technical aspects and provide leadership. Cautious not to reveal, Vincent asked, Tell me exactly what Rachel said. So much uncertainty leaves her terrified of what will happen next. He planned the launch in his mind, calculating distance and range to keep the fireworks clear of the trees which descended away from his home. Engraved in the black plastic surface were the words, To Vincent And Karen, On The Occasion Of Their First Anniversary. With an answering machine, people can tell you things you don't want to hear. I know it's tough on you. Alec followed after, calling her name, but when he turned the corner she was gone. I think you'd do better out here, but MARTA would give you a much wider area to cover. What makes you think that, Karen? I don't know. Eight had pictures clipped with them, but again, this detail alone shed no light on his wife's intentions. Veronica's the one who deserves an apology. I'll walk you out. Aggressively, he fought his way to the left where the quarter mile turn lane for Club Drive began. They were still in the front hall, and, as Vincent answered his questions, Tim looked around for any sign that Vincent was not living alone. Maya was enthusiastic and brimming with fresh ideas, but she too grappled with imposter syndrome. I'll be free every night. It's getting late, Vincent, he said. The flickering flames cast a warm glow on their faces, creating an ambiance of cama raderie and trust. Mark. I value your contributions, and I want us to work tog ether as a team. That evening, as Alex sat in his office, reflecting on the rollercoaster of the past few weeks, he realized that imposter syndrome had become a distant memory. He dropped the knife to the floor, then removed the offending book first. The blank expression on her face somewhat disquieting, like watching a stranger in a deep sleep. Then to Vincent, He always was the nicest. Yes, he said. Burn her pictures. Vincent countered, I don't think so. He had sensed a growing resentment among some team members, but hearing it confirmed stung. I don't think this can be decided, Vincent said. Is that grill hot yet, Vincent? What? The grill, Jack said. It hit me, Sarah continued. He wondered if she could tell where she had stopped, or if she just did not care. People passed by, going to the pay phone bolted to the brick building or entering the store itself; no one noticed Vincent's drained face sitting ghostlike in his car. I felt used, and blamed Joel for seducing me and leading me on. For the remainder of the evening, after the food was gone, the plates and condiments cleared away, activities resumed as before. On the wall above where Vincent stood, an electronic ticker tape provided a constant update of stock prices and trades. Joel pulled into the lot, stopping next to a pump. Tim reached forward to pat her on the head, but she turned, and ran away. The door shut behind him, Vincent steeled himself against doubt, committed to enjoying the evening with his daughter. C'mon, Amy. I'm a stranger. They seemed to have an exceptional marriage. Vincent, for his part, watched his sister-in-law closely, attempting to gain access to her thoughts and feelings. It half filled the room, stopping before it reached the end of Vincent's marital bed, on which his corpulent lover lay. A normal man would call out to her, he thought. Joel ignored her, instead picking up a handful of smoke bombs from the impulse basket next to the register. He would read it later. Together they gathered the cards, mixing the many decks Tim had used, and Vincent noticed for the first time that the cards were of varying sizes. The pitch dropped low with the shift into third, but continued to climb with acceleration. He was hesitant to interrupt. Vincent pulled his head from the table, wet tears clinging to the hairs on his forearms. His time in the mountains was work, and he would be glad to regain the routine of working each day. No time to eat. It's luck for the most part, Tim said. My God, he said, breaking into a Cheshire grin. You can't predict when it will collapse, and there is no way to build a solid structure. Confused, she asked, What's MARTA? The bus system. Did you have lots of fun? Yeah, she nodded her head profusely. If you only knew how much I wanted to end the whole little game of pretend. Vincent, your wife is dead and you're left with a daughter you don't know how to raise, Tim said. What? asked Vincent. It's been hard to keep it all together since Karen died. How can you stand it in here? Aren't you hot? I'm fine, Vincent answered. I thought, she continued, that the motels would go on forever, that he would always be on his way to see me. It's not even warm, she said, surprised. Almost every weekend will be free, and I'll try to make it up as frequently as I can. It's a part of us, but it doesn't define us. Thanks for convincing me to come. He thumbed through. You still have the job. Don't worry about it, Vincent said. We can make a second trip to the store if we need anything else. That's not quite true. She called up the hill, I need some help here. Thinking of how his life was before this tiny creature, he could not say that things had gotten better. Go. She laughed, sounding masculine, as if intended to complement the red checkered flannel shirt she wore. In the parking lot, her friend leaned against the door of her car, feigning impatience. His manager, Mr. Amelia shook her head. You're the only one now. It was a subtle but potent form of office politics. You look like a shoplifter, came the voice, startling Tim. The building was low and flat, with two black chimneys jutting from the roof, each of these silent of all smoke today. He was unsurprised to find that when stacked they fit easily into the desk, allowing the drawer to be opened and closed without impediment. Though now, looking at the pile, he yawned before the effort, and decided he would begin the chore tomorrow. She removed her robe then lay with her back to Vincent, sheets pulled up to her chin. It could be a long time before she could afford school. I'll get dinner on the table. The drive was short as promised, not allowing Vincent time enough to get as angry as he would have liked. He saw her, still and unmoving, exactly as she had been before: clutching herself, face hidden in the pillows, taking up less than a third of the couch's surface. You're too hard on yourself, Tim said, realizing too late that this could be interpreted as an endorsement of Vincent's actions. It's the public school, right? That's right, Sarah said. You've got it all figured out, don't you? No imposter syndrome for you. So many doubters, scoffed Joel. Thanks, honey, she said to Joel. Say it then, Joel. Vincent was alone again. She cut it out and saved it carefully so she could reread it; so she could experience the morbidity and grief a second time. Maybe a movie afterward. We'll get something to eat on the way. A woman greeted his car outside the front door, under the overhang that sheltered the entrance in bad weather, and Vincent was spared the inconvenience of having to get out of his car. She poked her head out into concerned darkness. Bob left the office early to play golf, so I skipped out. Vincent poured wine for them both. Vincent had always thought this strange as well, himself being meticulous with such things. I acknowledge the delays, he replied. Impatiently slamming shut the middle drawer, Vincent then reopened the top drawer and began again at the first sheet of paper in the A file. The same that he felt at the funeral when what seemed like scores of strangers massed around him, intruding on his grief. I want to talk to you about Veronica, she said, breaking the small silence. Don walked away, leaving Karen to finish shopping with a vague fear that she would run in to him again, and again be forced into inane conversations. It seemed incongruous with her simplicity. Vincent was silent. I couldn't figure it out. Alex took a chair, his nerves rearing their head. He went to the refrigerator and opened a two liter bottle of Coke. It would not be far, they were ubiquitous along this stretch of interstate. One leg stood slightly shorter than the other three, giving the table a visible tilt. But it was Vincent's own child. Approaching her from behind, the glow from the television silhouetted Veronica. I never talked to either one of them again. The girl was winning. I'm scared, daddy. They were almost to the shaded picnic table where the three adults were sitting. Surprised by the sound of the car, she froze in her path, and turned to face Vincent, who recognized the girl instantly as Veronica, his daughter. Even his wedding photo - set in a large silver frame, up high on a dresser, looming over their marital bed - was a distant memory. She's so happy here, Sarah, he said. He ignored her facetiousness, digging into his salad in lieu of a rebuttal. Finally he had no choice but to dress and leave the bedroom. In this net, birds landed, squirrels ran, jostling twigs and the occasional acorn; the noise of these discarded items contributed to an ambient drumbeat which permeated the forest, never ceasing long enough to call the pause a silence, but somewhat less than constant as well. Vincent - unimpaired by the stress of a ten hour day selling stocks and bonds, unaffected by the difficult commute, undistracted by the radio which had again begun to surf from station to station - lifted his foot reflexively from the gas pedal, and, again through reflex alone, placed it on the brake pedal, hard enough to cause the tail lights of the Honda to engage, but not hard enough to actually slow down. Vincent, however, had an unobstructed view. And you'd like to go back? Yeah, she said. Elderly men and women carried bags of bread crumbs tossing them in the water or holding out their hands for the birds to eat. Mark placed his hands on the keyboard. Of course not. Of course not. Alex opened the email to find a long list of code changes with comments that ranged from nitpicking to outright criticism. Sitting, he bent forward, elbows on knees, head low to the floor, and expunged a long raspy breath. No chance of that. One sunny afternoon, as they sat in a meeting room reviewing a project timeline, Maya confided in Alex, I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for this role. Seizing the opportunity, Sarah dashed in, snatched the flag, and made a break for their own territory. She won't stop crying, Karen. They stayed at home with no plans to ever go anywhere or do anything. You'll be able to get around. She wanted to ask, Are you rich?, but the crassness of that phrase kept it barred from this early conversation. He realized that imposter syndrome was no longer his constant companion; it had become a distant memory, a relic of a time when self-doubt had held him back. He insisted on keeping the conversation alive and flowing smoothly. Veronica is still with Rachel. The friendships, the work. My misery is contagious. That's great, Sarah. I used this book as a guide, Vincent said, gesturing to a hardbound book on the workbench. A sickening chill went up his spine. It's not a question of what you deserved, Tim said. Then go. Vincent thought that is word choice may have been poor. Alex's heart pounded in his chest, each beat resonating in his ears like a drumroll announcing the impending judgment. Tim agreed, I mostly go to day games, but pick a date, I'd love to go. He had clearly opted out of any future which had job satisfaction as a motivator. Jack, who waved at the citronella candles on stakes near the table, wore white canvas shoes, no socks, yellow shorts and a starched white polo shirt. Clearly there were no signs of a woman living in the house with Vincent. You don't talk to a teenage girl fifteen years younger than you in a restaurant bar unless you intend to fuck her. That's your defense? Genetics? Act like her father and maybe someone will consider you worthy of the title. You just refuse to act on it. Thornton and the higher-ups that he was indeed the right person for the project. His hair stood higher on one side and he slouched, shoulders rounding forward in a posture Amy had never seen on this man. Tim felt himself being pulled in by her hysteria. It'll be a short little vacation for you and then you can come back and live with your daddy again. Like a slow fear with waves of panic and nausea. Stop it, she said. My client load keeps increasing. Vincent took a seat next to her. He looked under B, but could find nothing. Vincent went to her, lifting the child into his arms. In some vague way she thinks she is being punished. You don't think I could cook, do you? Good Christ, Martha said, I hope no one's going to let Jack near our food. They went out the front door together, the soft street lights of the neighborhood, scattered at uneven intervals along the road, were a sharp contrast to the numerous lights of Vincent's living room. Fehr residence, came Amy's voice from the other end. My data science professor– Are you a fucking Perl expert, Mark? Amelia interrupted. He shook the child gently. To his right, pressed against the wall, was a worn couch, its brown upholstery turned dirty and gray through use. With a mischievous grin, he said, I'll distract them while you go for the flag. In the large back seat of his vehicle, he could see - peering into the rearview mirror like an intrusive cab driver - she stretched languidly, oblivious to her own vulnerability, but Vincent could only see her midsections, and this with an adjustment of the rearview mirror. Right. Moreau may not have seen the tongue, but she saw the kiss. Yes, and I want to do it in the next two years. Back at the apartment, Vincent said good-bye and asked for his friend's phone number. He dropped the stack of newspaper columns to the floor, letting them fall and twist to the carpet to land in an uneven heap. First, Dr. Asshole, he muttered. Sure, Vincent said. It was the last thing he wanted, to be driving along these roads, slick with rain, shrouded through splatter drops on his windshield, and dark. Dots of color, strings of green and life, these plants were ubiquitous if small. He jiggled the mouse, the monitor snapped life with a little pop, audible in the insular quiet of the lobby. It's fine, Mark said. I did well at first, he continued. Colors and faces flashed out from the structure, some cards turned so their white fronts faced away, some hid their painted backs on the inside walls of the house. We can pick up a snack if I get hungry on the way. He's never done this before, you know. I'll save some pizza for you. Yeah, Vincent said. What are - They're jalapenos, her co-worker interjected. Really? she asked. The radio faded from its weakened signal, the announcer's voice lost in a forest of static and crackle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It was blank. No joggers, no old people, no mothers with children and dogs. Thanks, said Vincent. Rachel Arthur arrived in the doorway, her frame jagged against the human rectangle, her body eclipsing the light from the hall. Mine's not very reliable. Vincent was reluctant to get out of the car, but Sarah awoke from her sleep in the back seat and the decision was made for Vincent. Alex held his breath, waiting for the verdict that would determine his future at the company. Not in the way I'm expected to. I know it will do Veronica a lot of good. I'll freeze or I'll drown. Vividly she stayed in his mind. They fought bitterly in public, on campus, in restaurants. Have you thought of anything else we'll need tonight? No, she said. So I get home just after midnight when the library closes, and of course I start to panic and worry. The boy, his arms constrained, kicked his legs in an attempt to stay afloat. Fresh air began to move through the house like an invisible wraith, quietly touching each room. The dark figure of Amy crossed behind the car and walked up the driveway towards Vincent. It could not be helped. One by one Vincent felt them take a small portion of his flesh and blood. He had returned to the project with renewed energy, his encounter with the gorilla at Zoo Atlanta serving as a symbol of the inner strength he had cultivated to battle his imposter syndrome. You've got a talent, he said. The paint stained by bird droppings on its skyward surfaces of shoulders and helmet top, and streaked by rain down its sides. If you can't offer some kind of legitimate insight -- Relax, Tim said. He poured the drink into both of their glasses, taking one when it was full to his daughter. This effort would not suffice, for even being careful to minimize the angle, the knife still entered under the top of the book. It was a simple card, without even a joke to get. As the hours stretched on, Alex noticed a shift in his mindset. That might work, he replied. You have to be responsible for her happiness until she can be responsible herself. Where do you work? I do landscaping for an apartment complex in midtown. Think about it. Then, he shook his head and resumed speaking, Can I get you something to drink, Vince? Sure, beer if you've got it. She began to believe that this would be the last full meal she would enjoy for some time. She stood from the bed, leaving Vincent to greet her daughter. How will this help her? It will take her away from my misery. Yeah. Yeah. Christine looked around for help, but the park was empty. I think this proves it. Don't sweat it, Joel said encouragingly. Vincent imagined him, stuck in his apartment, building ever higher castles of cards, the phone ringing unheard in one corner of his claustrophobic room. It's a lot of little things, but you put them together, and it's difficult not to draw conclusions. Is it yours, asked the teenager. The clouds did not hide the failure which seemed so certain. Beneath this book were hundreds of loose leaf pages, torn from books and notebooks, some printed professionally, some typed, some hand written. Veronica's so well behaved it's not even work. Vincent thought to himself that she looked on the verge of a tantrum. Don had once worked with Vincent, and, for a period of several months, the two men were close, but Don accepted a position out of town, and Karen had not seen him in several years. Keane, standing now beside Vincent, leaned close to him and whispered, There could be another reason why Smitty is being so soft. Pointless, her mind said, looking at the yellow raft. I think this is our next step if we want to make any headway, Tim said. No one would be expecting him. She had seen this same sight for over five years, and had known Rachel before even Veronica's birth. Here he would spend the next ten to fifteen minutes, inching forward, and looking north out his window at a barren corner lot. How can you judge a man by only his intentions? I need to know what he did, said Vincent, drawing out the last word. All the curtains were drawn; Vincent was greeted by darkness, and he expected - almost flinching - to find his dead wife reading poetry on the couch in the living room. In the driveway, Amy Ware's distinctive red Mustang convertible gleamed chrome and polish in the hot sun. She's strong. It's a large office, Amy. Tim walked to the passenger side and got in, the door creaking as he slammed it shut. Finally, frustrated with listening to his co-worker's conversations, he dialed Sarah Alexander's number. So how's work going, Vincent? asked Sarah. We want both of you to come back whenever you want. Dread settled in the pit of his stomach. That sort of thing. Vincent got up from the table, leaving Veronica by herself. Possibly it was just a stage. But there was a sense of unity among them, a shared understanding that they wer e in this together, facing the storm head-on. They will be getting worried, Vincent thought. He took a long time at each rack, the younger female clerk now watching him, but not coming over to help. Christine marveled at the silence of the fray, the strange dichotomy of visual chaos and aural peace. We're not buying an appliance. Above, the bedroom where Vincent's troubles lay sleeping stayed dark. Rachel appeared from out of the kitchen, approaching warmly. They all fall, Tim said. Tim looked again at the page in his hand. And other things, including fireworks. So she turns to this woman - this stranger - and asks her if she wants to go for a cup of coffee. Me and Sarah like it that way. Don't you want to lock that? Vincent asked. Christ, Vincent said. That's the paper you read, right? Yeah. It would be so easy for her to just turn her back and walk away, petulant, but Rachel deserved reassurance, and Karen had no desire to cause suffering. She's not the type to watch from the closet with her pants around her ankles. My God, Vincent said, his voice muffled by the still closed storm door, then that too was opened. Minutes passed, eight o'clock came and went, then Vincent's thudding steps tumbled down the stairs. All else was oblivion, a world's off which he could step at any moment. It's been hard for both of us. The stories were eerily relatable, from acclaimed authors to renowned scientists, all admitting to feeling like frauds at some point in their careers. He cried, thinking she was too beautiful, too kind, for one such as himself. At least four had political ramifications, but that did not seem noteworthy, the source being a newspaper, many articles would have a political slant. I love you very much, he began. You're saying I need to talk to her? asked Vincent. With his fingers he touched the rip in his jeans and felt the wound beneath. Stay cocky, Vincent, but you'll burn yourself out with this attitude and Smitty will only let the line out so far. There should be plenty of time. They left him alone, and he felt for a while that the presence of her parents and his father could possibly be a blessing. Which is why we're going to get an entire bottle and you're going to order it for us. The news spread quickly throughout the office, and Alex was met with congratulations and well-wishes from his colleagues. Do we have to buy hot dogs or something? Joel said, Exactly. Jack was talking, softly so he could not be heard, but arms and hands animated. He sank completely under water; there was a respectful moment of silence, then he resurfaced. No specific date was set, and Vincent pointedly had not answered the phone, or returned their calls since that time. Her self-sufficiency amazed him at every turn. Then, flutters ran through his stomach and his breath came up short as he realized that something must have happened to Sarah. He held himself up against the slope, supporting some of his weight with his left foot, and holding on with his hands to the headrest of the seat. Well, since you're so awake, why don't you join me in a drink? Joel asked. Oh, Sarah said quietly, not liking at all her conundrum. Chapter 3 marked a turning point in Alex's journey. Vincent emptied the contents of the drawer, holding the clippings in his hand, but placing the book of poetry, the handwritten notebook, and the childhood birthday card onto the floor at his feet. The wheels of the truck began to slip as Joel moved into a sharp turn, absentmindedly, he applied the brake, bringing the vehicle back under control to finish the turn. My wife's pregnant, and she's bleeding. He wondered if Joel were overly perceptive, or if everyone thought he was strange. A conversation about engineering was just what he needed. The project had weathered the storm, and he had led his team through it with resilience and self-assuredness. It's not fair to her. It'll get easier. Vincent would reach up to twist the mirror into a position where he could again glimpse Sarah sleeping, though her state was an uncertainty as well given that Vincent could not determine if she were awake or asleep merely by looking at that slim expanse of thighs and stomach which his view afforded him. As soon as Alec had left, Amelia tossed the popcorn bag into the sink and turned to Mark. I wanted to talk to you about Vincent, he said. As he entered the venue, he was greeted by the familiar faces of his high school classmates. He would lose his fear in alcohol, a determination made well in advance and under the light of sober reason. It's a real restaurant, not the usual lunch place. I call the theater. When Vincent did come up here, he rarely had to venture beyond this wall. Her arms once more entwined his neck, clutching Vincent with a warm embrace. I thought you might find another day care. Tim's fears were alien and unknowable to Vincent. Don't you think I deserved something. That doesn't matter. Is it finished or are you going to add more? Vincent asked. The sun was the source of all life on earth? It shone down upon Christine, by chance alive, and also Karen. I've been in the car too long already. He would not have known how far the child could go. Tim hasn't been by here for a few years, but he used to visit a lot. What the hell? What's wrong with you? Vincent had no response, but, from Veronica, the crying grew louder, and through the sobs she asked for her daddy. To get away from it all. He should have gone straight into his parent's room if he wanted some comfort, instead of traversing the black staircase and navigating the dark hallway that led to the kitchen. The strokes before him confirmed the work was indeed Karen's; not from the style or skill, which he had never seen before, but from the content. You don't give a God damn about your daughter or her happiness. Breath held, Vincent thought that his daughter would die. As the months passed, Alex watched Maya grow and blossom as a developer. It would be too easy to fall into the darkness. I have reservations for one o'clock. Then I guess I'll see you in, what, thirty minutes? Sure. In this state, it would take some time for him to reach the top, though just feet away. It's got a nice picture, he said. He looked into the sky, judging the time until dark, and looked at the trees to judge how much ersatz dusk they would provide. Tim could see that. Some of the surroundings began to look familiar. He was married to a beautiful girl about four or five years younger. A hiss, and the first bottle rocket ascended exploding at its peak. Vincent put out his hand to touch the surface of the canvas, drawing it down the rough texture of the anguished woman's face, marveling at his wife's creation. It was a waste. Moments later she was inside the motel, hidden by a glare against its plate glass window. Maybe someone else would like to lead the conversation. And then I heard a woman's voice in the background. Those words struck a chord deep within Alex's heart. We'll have to either go out or order in. He moved closer, sitting on the floor so as not to tower over her. Joel's wife I mean. Glowing out from the darkness was the Alexander's home. Unseen to Vincent, Amy reached up to brush a strand of hair back from her face. Vincent let the silence grow until he was sure Joel had finished, then he turned away and began to walk down the hill. Smitty, forgiving today, did not say another word on the subject. She entered the room tentatively, first checking to see that he was awake, then approaching slowly, fearing punishment or rejection. A good domain didn't hurt, either. In his new role, Alex faced a fresh set of challenges. He even considered seekin g out Sarah's guidance, given her apparent expertise. There was considerable blood on the toilet paper in her hand. Sarah let out a whoop of triumph, and Alex couldn't help but smile. I don't think so, Sarah said. That would explain quite a bit. Ahead, traffic was backing up as two lanes narrowed into one, with construction barrels on each side, though no crew was in place today. Amy shrugged. His jowls were as disused and bloated as those of the infant, apparently Bateman had yet to fully separate himself from the womb. He would have to know the first cause of such perfume: why she chose that brand over all others; why she wore it in that intensity on this night. After a few minutes of walking, their kids ran around a bend and out of sight. When did they build the Wal-Mart? Vincent asked. That he had nearly killed his only daughter vanished from his mind. Credits begin to roll, the lights come up, and the woman two seats down from her turn and says, ÔWasn't that just so sad?' Of course Martha's eyes are red and puffy as if she had been crying, which she had, but not at the movie. He knew, though, that he had already betrayed himself, she had the answer she wanted; language rendered impotent with a breath. The mistakes of his youth - incessant chatter, forced amiability - no longer entrapped Vincent. I'm not going to be there to watch it either. He might half to drive a mile before the next driveway or street, and the road was too narrow for an unassisted attempt. There was no life in the fragile collection of tissue which had not drawn a breath for over five minutes. Looking at the sides of the structure was like looking into a maze, crack allowed vision a few inches here and there, elaborate faces darkened by the cards above peered back. You're right, Sarah, he said. These were wasted leads, and wasted time. Both her build and facial structure surprisingly reminded Vincent of his wife. Why didn't you call? Timothy remained silent. The frail flesh of the child did not encounter the ungiving steel and plastic of Vincent's car, for technology intervened when human reactions would not suffice, and the car came to a safe halt just feet from the stunned child. The noise of toddlers filled the room, Rachel's summer assistant, a teenager whose name Karen could not remember, waved and smiled her bubble gum smile. What brings you by? Tim had no response prepared, Oh, just thought I'd say hello. You should remember. There he stood in his tux, she in her snow white wedding dress, arms around each other with fresh bliss, but the background stood in stark, unfamiliar contrast to their faces. But Veronica was O. Cans and plastic wrapping clung to the dried mud. He did not attempt to replace it. I was pretending to be Sarah Alexander. It's named after -- she stopped herself. She arrived at the door, looping her arm around her mother's thigh, and she pressed the right side of her face to the cold glass. That's crazy, Joel said. It was one thirty when they arrived at Joel's house. He would not go on a weekend. Veronica slept, but Vincent remained painfully awake and alert until sunrise, when he ate just enough to become nauseous. Fifteen minutes. I don't want to complain. It made him uncomfortable, sick. Her face remained expressionless for too long a time, then fell into a mask of confusion. I don't know, Jack. The destruction went on, in a deliberate, meticulous purge, only to end with Vincent breathless, seated in his ruin of wood and canvas, unsure of what he had done. Vincent took a deep breath of stale air. Great, come on in. Bedsprings creaked from the room down the hall; Veronica was in bed, waiting. No, Amy said. I understand what you're saying, why couldn't they? I also haven't touched a computer - or a book for that matter - in over six months. Her hair slicked back against her skull, her neck stretched to allow water to rinse the shampoo away, and the entire image distorted through the unforgiving lens of the curtain. He had been this way before and could take no pleasure in the sights, and though he talked with Sarah, the conversation could not distract him from the relentless pumping of his legs. Vincent wedged his fingers into the small gap, feeling for the blockage. Vincent showered and dressed, cursing through the light fabric of his undershirt as he pulled it over his head. Now where are you taking me for lunch? I suppose I can tell you now. But we'll be sure to buy a Fun Rocket. The road bumped Vincent's car, jarring the passengers with uneven places and half-filled pot holes. At the end of the overpass, Joel made the left turn onto the interstate onramp, accelerating to match speeds with the traffic at the bottom of the hill. , she sighed. In a few hours they would arrive in Atlanta where he would leave her beneath the awning of some cheap, suburban hotel. Husbands fail too often under the best of circumstances. He shrugged, turning to his other side, facing away from her, and he told himself that all things were impermanent; there was no reason why this should last; there was no cause to rejoice if it did, or cause for sorrow if it did not. Why? What do you mean 'why?' She needs it. When it left him and he could again resume his climb, Vincent felt for the first time the sharpness, the tight locality, of the pain in his leg. Glad to have you join in the show. He waved again at unseen bugs in the air. How do we know she wasn't at fault? How do we know she's telling us the truth about what happened? Now, honey, he began, we can't blame this on Rachel. Both women had acquired a mutual but silent understanding that lengthy conversations were unnecessary. Off of this great room, members of the family were allowed access to a second parlor where the body could be viewed in its open casket. Tim? Yeah. Christine and Karen each held one end of the picnic blanket, stretching it between them, spreading it out across the moist grass. Exasperated, she said, You can't be a part-time father, Vincent. Decaf for me, Alec said. Alex and Sarah found themselves drawn to each other as they talked by the fire. Vincent yawned, tired of the colorless room, weary of staring wide-eyed into dimness. Vincent immediately took one of the tiny, spherical rolls between his fingers, and, garlic and butter sauce dripping down his wrist, stuffed the entire roll into his mouth. He poured a large mug of coffee for himself. Retuning to the entrance hall - where Sarah Todd stood, not having moved a step - Vincent adjusted the thermostat on the wall, kicking on the air conditioning. Then the student got in her car and left. She's afraid of something else too? No. I'll try to explain it all, but I just don't know how, so bear with me. In bed he waited, eyes closed; he hoped for sleep, but would not be deceived by the vague sense of despair which replaced it. He drove fast, dangerously so, but still arrived home about five minutes after nine. Tim filled the gap. Unconcerned with her appearance, it took Karen only a few minutes to dress for the grocery store. [eleven] The tires of Vincent's car bumped over the rough concrete edge of the driveway into Tim Schaeffer's apartment complex. It has come to our attention that there have been tensions within your team. Do you take the paper? No. Can you make it? Joel asked. A car alarm went off in Amy's parking lot. The screen door to the house banged shut, reverberating across the lawn. Thanks, honey. I live just a block or so from here, he said. Veronica turned on her side. I really appreciate this. The email ended with a sentence that plunged Alex into a new depth of despair: This meeting will determine the future of your role at the company. Martha doubts my story because she knows Mrs. Statistical fluke. And all the time I had these jealous lover thoughts like, ÔWhat's so special about her?' Thinking she wasn't so pretty, that I was better for Joey. Seeing his time for honesty about to end, Joel spoke, Vincent, I know I'm pissing you off, but-- Could you shut up? Vincent said, stopping. If I could just have a piece of toast that would be fine. Without even being aware of it, Vincent had spared no expense in her arrangements: the finest casket of deep wood, lined with the costliest of fabrics, trimmed in the most ornate brass. Hello, he said, answering on the fourth ring. What happened to mommy? He thought of what the police told him, but the exact words, though useful, were inappropriate. Stupidly, he knocked lightly on the door, as if his daughter would be unready for his visit. Then– he paused I want to show you what we're going to build. It's so hard to stay focused sometimes, but, as much as everyone offers their deepest regrets and says how sorry they are, the bottom line is still there. Perhaps it wasn't an insurmountable obstacle but a challenge, an opportunity for personal and professional growth. Sarah looked up from her food. Located in Fulton County, much closer to the actual City of Atlanta than Vincent's home, it was directly on the bus line, providing Sarah easy access to anywhere in the county. It was a recognition of his hard work and growth, an acknowledgment that he had overcome the obstacles that had once held him back. He inspected her to be sure she was dressed correctly. This is kind of an odd place to live for someone who doesn't like nature. Sorry we didn't get it solved, Tim said. Vincent cracked the drawer just wide enough to insert the knife, pushing it forward in as horizontal an angle as possible. It's just a card. Vincent drove on, thinking that the change in sound and motion as he exited the interstate would raise Sarah, but, stopped at the head of the exit ramp, there still was no motion from behind. We talked about him for a few minutes, then I said my husband was an airline pilot for Delta, but that I was afraid he was cheating on me. A roaring fire could not be blown out with a whispered breath. His strategy was successful, and momentarily Joel turned the truck onto a dirt lot with a garishly painted, plywood stand at its center. It suddenly struck Vincent that the child had not had a chance to grieve. Vincent knocked again, louder this time, hoping to force Tim to answer the door. Thornton had taken on a new significance since the crucial review. Veronica giggled foolishly and took a step backwards. I don't think your coming back for her Vincent. She could see with his eyes for an instant: the pale roundness giving way to pinched brown. You've expressed you opinion, now leave me alone. Long shadows stretched ambitiously before him. Vincent set his bags down at his feet, opened the storm door, then inserted his worn key into the lock. There was nothing, the house looked as it had when last Tim was here. She fell asleep during the news, and, when that ended, Vincent woke her, and they went up to bed together. Vincent fought the urge to go faster, not taking for granted that his eyes were telling him the whole story. He weaved between slowly moving cars to cross the few parking spaces and reach the expansive array of pumps. Vincent remembered each occasion distinctly, each providing him with a lingering but separate feeling of anxiety. He turned on the lights, and the television, which he tuned to a morning news program. My mind's wandering. No earrings or underwear lying around to indicate that he had taken on a roommate. What do you have? Vincent scanned the contents, pushing aside two larger containers in order to see the back. Are we really going there? she asked. There isn't anything that won't wait until the morning. Vincent gestured to where his two bags sat slumped against the hallway wall. How can you believe that? he asked. Where have you been? Around, Tim responded. Vincent removed himself from the clamor, retreating to the darkened bathroom. Do you know how it feels to be ripped apart like that? The woman I love will never come home. Her pleasant demeanor surprised him after last night. She would be different, just as he was. He was much different before. And she was terrified of you. Honey? Karen said. Alex listened carefully to Mark's comments, acknowledging some valid points while defending his choices where he believed they were justified. Sarah had donned the pack, and they walked across the lot to meet the kids at the beginning of the trail. We have a house near here. Circling the perimeter were eight offices for the privileged few, and a conference room for client meetings which could not be held elsewhere. COMBINE THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS Sarah shifted her weight, leaned against the door, her face lightly touching the cool glass. Once more, Mark misunderstood the non-verbal cues from Amelia, taking this pause as an indication that she was finished. His phone has been disconnected, his address changed, he has left his job and the employer has no forwarding information. A country song he had never heard filled his truck. As he entered the building's lobby, he found Mrs. The smell was appetizing, but Vincent knew he would want to eat very little. Were you talking to me? Mark asked. Here you go, Vincent said. He threw the covers from him feeling oppressed by the warmth which had pooled on the bed. com logoed mouse pad. A sense of accomplishment washed over Alex as he left Mr. It was for the most growth in one month period. One morning, as Alex was sipping his coffee in the breakroom, he overheard a conversation between two colleagues, Tom and Lisa. At the hill's crest the road at once took a sharp turn to the right and began a descent. Alec moved on. His face slid down the bark to rest in the cold soil. Thornton continued to haunt him, its words dancing like specters in his mind. Some are significant from a journalistic standpoint. Oh? Did she just call to say hi? No, he said, faltering, she was answering a question I asked her on Sunday. If you have to cry with her then do that. This mixed family trapped under the forest canopy was an accident waiting to happen. He kept his hands in his pockets as he moved from the Gospel section. It's Vincent. They played while Sarah cleaned the kitchen, and, when the last dish had been put away and the washer started, Vincent awoke. You've said it. Vincent had no response. Yeah, Joel said, pondering for the first time the selection of fireworks, Give me a gross of bottle rockets, 2 dozen Roman Candles, 5 gross of those Black Cat things, and. That turn was Vincent's final commuting hurdle: the rest of the drive generally went smoothly, and he should arrive home within minutes. You would never reopen. He had to remain silent. Three miles later, they came across a small service station. He figured it was time to confront his past and see how far he had come since those tumultuous high school days. Are you hungry? Yeah, Veronica said. Vincent waited. As I was saying, let's head down to the engineering floor. They let him go with a slap on the wrist, a note in his files, and a warning to stop what everyone knew he was doing. First a mailbox caught in his headlights. She sits through it, half expecting me to show up at any time but refusing to turn around to look for me. It was out, and now he held her stiffly by the shoulders, waiting impatiently for a response. Briefly, it would lock, giving Vincent a moment to decide, then move on. Time for the show to begin, kids, Joel announced, dropping the bag onto the picnic table. The two women set their platters on the picnic table; a lone fly began to buzz above the food as if it were carrion. I tried to -- He didn't finish the sentence. The children, as well a the three adults, could be seen in the back yard, but no sounds could be heard. How they relate to Karen. V. V. V. V. V. V. V. V. Well, Jack said. Of course it means something. We've been watching the news and it will be beautiful tomorrow. No problems. The email from Mr. He was responsible for overseeing a larger team, managing more complex projects, and navigating the intricacies of office politics at a higher level. Vincent, no lover of art, winced. Plenty of time for that later. Joel thought for a moment, surprised by Vincent's analysis. There's something you need to know. Hi, Don. Why can't we gather inside like civilized adults? For the kids I suppose. Its ears lay flat against its bony skull, and foamy drool fell from between yellowed teeth. The chapter ended with Alex sitting in that conference room, his heart pounding, his palms sweaty, and his future hanging in the balance. Amy took a single roll, pinching off a small bite and placing the remainder on the edge of her salad plate. I used to know. This meeting was not just about him proving himself; it was about something much larger, something that could reshape the trajectory of his career. What if we refactor this section of the code and use a more efficient algorithm? Alex considered her suggestion, realizing that she was onto something. Vincent did not want to lie, We were just visiting. She returned to the window, again opening the blinds to see what was happening. Vincent assumed that Timothy was either lying or trying to make a joke, but he did not push the issue. The specific fell within the general and Karen Fehr, while she was alive, accepted this trait as an inherent limitation, immutable. He knew that gaining the trust of his colleagues, especially those who doubted him, would be a challenge. Joel focused his attention on the duty before him. She's four. I had to say it. Some decision would have to be made on whether Rachel would be allowed to watch Veronica today, but Vincent did not want to be a part of that process; he was perfectly content to remain silent. Where's the big deal there? No big deal, I guess. One boy, obese, stayed mainly on an inflatable raft, occasionally being pushed off playfully by his friends. Close the door. Chinese? There's a place nearby that delivers. I don't want to wait until Billy's seven or eight. They formed a lush green oas is in her apartment, and Alex often marveled at how she nurtured each one with care. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. OK. Who else would I be talking to? Mark laughed nervously. He considered calling Amy so she would not worry about him, but decided against it, unwilling to begin an argument - even over the phone - in his friend's apartment. The dream of a meaningful career was distant, and unlike before leaving home, dim. For such a masculine card, the painting was androgynous in an elusive way. Alec laughed and gestured as though he was patting Mark's arm, though he did not actually touch him. He finished reading and moved out of his chair to join her on the couch. Shortly before eight, Joel went into the house and returned a few minutes later with the bag of fireworks. Let me check with Joel, to make sure nothing special is going on this weekend. 99 a month for dial-up access to the Internet, skipping over email, IRC, NNTP, and popping open a browser for access to the World Wide Web. She had done nothing. Tim put that article aside as well. Mouth full, he said, O. He drove slowly through the parking lot, weaving between pedestrians and cars. It saved his career, but ruined his marriage. Still distracted, Karen walked past Vincent, taking a chair around the large table. Thornton, with the subject line that sent a shiver down Alex's spine: Urgent Meeting Tomorrow. An obligatory greeting and Veronica ran off to play. How long have we known each other, Tim? Ten years. The children, Mark in the lead, ran towards the edge of the lot, climbing up onto a picnic table. He recalled the original photo from which his wife had painted: she had retained the basic layout and composition, but the color - flesh yet drained - breathed a new dimension into the flat and static photograph, and she had changed the eyes as well, shrinking them. Her pale body - nude, yet shrouded by indifferent sheets - failed to contrast with the stark white of the sheets, and Vincent, standing beside the bed, watching, could not tell where Amy ended and the bed began. No excuse had been offered to Rachel Arthur, and none had been requested. He smiled, saying, Thanks, honey. Now can we move on. He trusted her judgment in this matter. Hi, he said, sounding upbeat. Vincent might. Can you ever recall seeing her cut an article from a newspaper? Never, Vincent said. Was he different to Veronica? she asked. It's all there if you know where to look. In the center of Vincent's work area was the book shelf he had been building. They fired Bill, and he didn't take it so well. Well, I'll let you get back to your shopping, Don said. Do you think they're reputable? Vincent asked. She roughly pulled a chair from behind the table, then sat across from Vincent, exasperated. Martha held her hand above the grill. Amy waved to him as the old man left and the couple met by the door. A perturbed voice pulled them back: Can I help you? Joel turned, and was face to face with the clerk inside the fireworks stand, a young man just into his twenties with matted, black hair and bleached teeth that belied his profession. I think your wife knew someone in politics. After he stopped, she divorces him, Sarah said. She looked around, unsure from where the noise came, startled by Vincent standing over her like a ghost. But he denied that anyone was there when I asked him. Like I couldn't figure out why Julie from HR was afraid of me. At my house in Duluth, he said. He cried, and through the tears he tried to imagine her in a darker room, with no imprisoning casket on three sides, instead only a marital bed. No more than five, she was dressed smartly in play clothes, her mousy brown hair pulled back with ribbons. It'll give us a chance to talk away from here. No sound could be heard from within the apartment, but, after a moment, the spy hole went dark and Vincent knew he was being watched. I don't believe you. He felt resentment. Let's pop down to engineering. I have a house in the suburbs. Nothing. Through this landscape, Joel Alexander, his wife and two sons, Veronica and Vincent all walked. Moreau were barely speaking. Looking at her now, though, that seemed improbable. I wanted to see if he was a good person. After a pause, Vincent continued, You could stay here. They weighed down the corners against the rising breeze, and sat close to each other on the checkered fabric. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. O. Any chance you'll make it on time tomorrow? Not stopping he said, Absolutely. Veronica did not stir. With newfound determination, Alex decided to take a different approach. She shrugged and said, I didn't pick anyplace specific. The light streaming in from the unshielded window washed out the small glare from the bulb nearby, and cast a wide stretch of light on what appeared to be an easel. Three large rectangles, oriented vertically, filled the board from left to right. It's too easy. Joel noticed the animal as well and immediately bent to the dog's level to rub its ears vigorously. Let me get ready and then we can leave. For an instant, she was new. That's a stray, Joel, Vincent said. Two weeks to implement significant changes on a project that was already on the verge of completion was a monumental challenge. I forgot my cleats. Think about it. OK. OK. Good morning, angel, he said. Finance. Vincent set it aside. He only wanted to know if Joel betrayed his wife, and how many times. There's too much grief. She tried to move against his grip, but he held her still, fearing she would fall into shadow, fearing he would be unable to see her emotions. Vincent continued to eat for a moment, then stopped. As the last one was in place, and the reserves were stored at a safe distance, to be used in a second wave of celebration, when the first row was exhausted, Joel walked to the group of lawn chairs on which his wife and the other adults sat. Thank you, Mr. Thank you, Mr. Though in its early stages of completion, the painting clearly was being worked from the newspaper clipping of the woman whose child had died in a fire. Visibly upset and confused by this turn of events, in a quiet voice Sarah consented to talk to her husband. The brake engaged, the engine cut, Vincent afforded himself the luxury of a moment of quiet peace. Other cars crowded around the tiny shack, and other customers perused the various fireworks, reading the prices painted in black streaks against the white-washed wall. No, she said, her voice softening. Oh, Tim said. They four of them watched Joel walk away, already mustering the kids for the start of the game. Jesus, she said, throwing a jazz compilation into the back seat in disgust. Is something wrong? she asked. So this isn't how I planned it, but let's get to the part where I tell you what we're going to build. Months ago this lot was high with green and brown waves of grass, and shaded by several large trees, but it had been razed of all vegetation, reduced to gray rocks and unsightly, red, Georgia mud. I think you've grated enough. He showed them to the clerk, who counted them quickly, then dropped them into the bag which now sat on the counter top. She probably stared at it over breakfast thinking how horrible it would be to lose a child, especially in a fire. They never do when they deserve it. The bitter taste of vomit residue in his mouth was feeding the waves of nausea, so Vincent went inside the convenience store to purchase a lemon-lime Gatorade and a pack of sugarless gum. It may be a lesser position, or not as much money, but maybe I could salvage some of my better clients and take them with me, or take a short leave of absence and come back with a new start. The team burst into laughter at the sight. I hadn't thought about it, honey, he said, motionless. The groceries safely stored, Joel went out the back door and down the steps. With the support of his colleagues, especially Sarah, he had transform ed into a true leader, ready to face whatever obstacles lay ahead. A quick movement from her skirt as she turned, and the scraping of hard heels on stone, the sound of Amy descending the steps and returning to her car. Timothy tossed his empty beer can onto the hill, where it rolled in the grass for several feet, then stopped. He backed off from the red Buick directly before him, allowing ample reaction time for any change of speed, and glanced furtively at his passenger. Had they fought or argued the prospect of reconciliation would hang like a pall over them until finally the conflict was escalated or resolved. Wordlessly, he laid out the Chinese food into a mini-buffet line across the counter top. It's nice out. She walked beside him back to the driveway. Trash in the form of empty drink cans, paper, newspaper, food wrappers, and small cardboard boxes, littered almost every open surface in the room. Did you have fun this weekend? he began. He marveled at how Sarah could approach coding challenges with such ease and clarity. It's relaxing. You're not real good at fooling people. This tactic worked. I apologize. With the help of Martha and Jack, the three children were corralled, where they stood in a group of five to Joel's left. It's good to see you, Jenny. Yeah, Vincent said. Sarah, this is my brother-in- law, Vincent. A girl who looked like she was in high school, bleached blonde hair, leaned against the counter; a black guy was behind the counter, much older than the girl, but both of them surely employees; and two customers meandered up and down the aisles, flipping through the cd racks. Go on about Joel. He stood up, out of the ditch and on the road, and he was walking now, careful to avoid the rain slick flagstones as he entered the yard. The forest now seemed dank and closed, too far removed from the sun which generated the inescapable heat. We see great potential in you, Alex, and we'd like to offer you a promotion. She was my wife, Vincent pleaded. Thornton looked up, his expression serious yet not unkind. The city's vibrant energy, which usually invigorated him, now felt like an oppressive force closing in. Mark had a reputation for being territorial and had been with the company for years. Karen, he said. Alec Rea was a builder. Vincent turned away from the road to imagine the trashy woman next to him dressed sensibly, trying to look like a housewife. Portals were on the way out, though it would be another fifteen years before ESPN dropped the shackles to the lesser brand of go. Don had left the store almost immediately though, so there would be no second encounter. United through a heartless society of capitalism and greed. I don't think you knew your wife very well, Tim said. The scene disturbed Vincent, who could not imagine what could cause three such rambunctious children to stand dumbfounded and still. I'm listening, but then leave me alone, because after this, I won't listen to your shit again. What are you having? I don't know. Timothy believed her now and would not have gone to Vincent's home to verify information already regarded as truth, but Amy needed eyewitness confirmation. Two months ago Vincent would have never considered sleeping with another woman, and even a mere three weeks ago, his wife's memory still fresh in his mind, Vincent had no interest in pursuing a relationship, sexual or otherwise, but grief was a strange and unforgiving blacksmith who wrought the malleable alloy of Vincent into something he never imagined he could be. I gave her a fake phone number. One sunny morning, Alex sat in a small meeting room with Sarah and a few other team members, their laptops open, code sprawled across the screens. Tim was silent. His students loved him, and she was admired as well. There's no other logical reason to keep it. , she said, defeated. Was it pretty? Amy asked of Veronica. Still, she seemed tense. When you were an hour late I called to see when you would be home. How far had Veronica strayed from her when she was in the road? Had she completely lost track of the child? This seemed improbable. He pointed at the first rectangle then moved to the other end of the whiteboard and drawing a big 'X' inside the last rectangle. Ten or fifteen minutes, depending on how crunchy we want the crust to be. ' There was no doubt. It's like you knew everything almost as soon as it happened. Vincent turned to leave, but caught a sight at the far end of the attic, just under the hexagonal window, which caused him to stop and take a second look. Alex couldn't help but smile, though he felt a pang of vulnerability. Let me pay and we'll go check it out. Veronica rushed right up to the front railing, her mouth gaping at the sight. Darkness prohibited him from seeing beyond the reflection of the glass, but silvered beads of water trickled across its surface, actively running and renewing. He walked to this now, and opened the top drawer. It's been what? Almost a month? Shawn Borelli has left the company. All the interesting work is done by the pros. It was Sarah who suggested they organize a team-building activity. They spoke in hushed tones, unaware that Alex was within earshot. let's plan on it then, and if anything comes up between now and Saturday, I'll give you a call. You definitely should visit them again. Thornton continued, I wanted to discuss your future with the company. And, Bob, don't let her beat you at that. He considered her obvious intelligence; the curves of her shoulders and hips embedded themselves in his mind. Eyes closed, but with light seeping in nevertheless, Vincent waited impatiently for the alarm to go off again. Chapter 9: Embracing the Future With the successful completion of the project and the fading memory of imposter syndrome, Alex found himself at a crossroads in his career. He wanted a new cassette tape to listen to in the car. Chapter 1: The Wake-Up Call Atlanta was still shaking off its slumber when Alex Turner stumbled out of his apartment. It was a long time to spend in a car with someone who did not particularly like you. Jack, Sarah said, I don't actually believe that you listen to yourself. Alex was a software developer, and his corner of the world was a digital playground of code and algorithms. Jesus, Vincent muttered. His memory so incomplete, his mind so untrustworthy, despair descended upon Vincent fueled by the sudden belief that his life had to this point amounted to nothing. It had been present in the house all along, but only now had Vincent become aware of the rich odor of roast beef. But let's not do anything we'll regret later. The facts of the afternoon were shrouded in uncertainty. He labeled the first one e-commerce. Under the starlit sky, with the crackling fire as their backdrop, Alex leaned in, and Sarah's eyes met his. A quick check in the mirror revealed that this was not so; any alert observer would discern her emotional state in an instant. The photograph was of a woman, cropped tight to show only her head and shoulders; disembodied, rough male hands restrained her, soot covered her face, her eyes stared wide, white with grief, but dry. So how much do you buy? Vincent asked. Excuse me? The woman at the theater with your wife was Sarah. He dressed for breakfast, then, brushing his teeth, silently watched Amy through the transparent shower curtain. Cause that's who they think they hired. She typed in the appropriate number, but was again stumped by the plum tomatoes and the zucchini. At least the fact that Karen saved it is unusual. Amy changed the angle of her car and sped up, the tires catching against the pavement with a petulant squeal. His head bobbed in a constant nod. Amy nodded and said, We can just go to the park and sit if you want. I just want to know what sort of man he is. I mean, not since we've been married. Leaves churned underfoot as they walked away. Alex, he said with a stern expression, this project is crucial for the company. At the next street he turned right, allowing memory to guide him, unable to discern the name of the road. Sarah gasped in mock offense. You don't even know how Veronica feels about all this, he said. At a loss for dinner, Vincent asked Amy to pick up something on the way over. I'm glad that Joel and I can help. I think I know why now. The darkened sky had faded from the hazy blue of refracted sunlight to a purple stained yellow by industrial and commercial lighting below. Nothing was suitable. Awed by its glow - children among us all being the most easily duped and impressed - she backed away from Joel, then checked to be sure she was clear of any obstacle before breaking out into a run. Vincent had forgotten how closely his friend had always followed baseball. I thought we'd put her on the pull-out sofa bed downstairs, and put you in the spare bedroom, Vincent. Groceries tossed haphazardly into the back seat, Joel and Vincent drove home. Going through the routine of calling, making small talk, trying not to sound like a salesman, Vincent became distracted, and it showed to his prospects who took advantage, ending the calls before Vincent could make his pitch, or ask the necessary questions. He did not need that today. Would you like to come to the store with me, Veronica? Veronica nodded. Is that O. She had given to much to be betrayed in this way. Alex, we appreciate your efforts, but we also need to address the issue of team dynamics. I haven't seen you in weeks, Vincent said. It makes me feel good to know she's not gone. There he found Stacy and Veronica engaged in a game of Go Fish. Vincent nodded, understanding, but not knowing what to say next. Sure you don't want anything to eat? No, he said. It was as if the sun had risen over the edge of the depression in which Vincent was trapped. This is going to be easier than I thought. You'll never know how much this helps. Joel set the cruise control just below seventy and began to hum along to the country song on the radio. Martha, Jack, this is Vincent, my brother in law, Joel gestured towards Vincent. She made a direct line for Mark, extending her hand to him, smiling, opening her mouth and about to speak, when, without any warning, she stopped in her tracks, let her hand fall to her side, and with a look of abject fear on her face, slowly backed out of the room. Hey, can we talk for a moment? he asked. , but you're going to feel like crap before lunch, she said. Their debate, their conversation, ended at this point, though their exchange of words continued for some time to come. I think you're still the best chance to influence him, Tim said. Laughing, he said, No one ever plans to be here. Most of his better traits she had long since forgotten. He sat down at the table, feeling it would give him support. The house at their back sat dark. Senses misdirected, he almost missed seeing his wife, Karen, on their couch in the living room. Her smile, as always, was warm and welcoming. Will we ever see mommy again? she asked, powerless to stop the tears. And if you need anything don't be afraid to ask. I'm with Vincent. Karen had a morbid streak, Tim said. He knew then that he had never opened this desk before, and that he had only barely noticed its presence in the room. With the children battering each other playfully, and Sarah scolding absentmindedly as she backed out of the steep driveway, Vincent felt like he was part of a family. A gentle chime emitted from Amelia's computer and she looked toward the screen. What are you talking about? You kept looking at me. This is so sudden. Great, he said. Then, close, they walked down the landscaped path to the white stone building. Lord, I don't think I've ever been in a hardware store. The spare bedroom was above, on the first floor, but closest to the stairs, so Vincent thought he would be able to hear his daughter if she were to cry out in the night. He instead handed her a fifty dollar bill, knowing it would cover the cost, but unsure of what change he would receive. From this misunderstanding comes fear. But maybe we can go with Daddy this weekend. And through the frosted glass he could see only shadows, dim changes in the light. Chapter 6 had been a tipping point—a day of laughter, camaraderie, and unexpected romance that added a new dimension to the dynamics within the team. Of course you deserved more. But with each session, he felt a weight lifting from his shoulders, a sense of liberation from the chains of his past. It was another day in the city's relentless march of progress, but for Alex, it was an internal battle he faced anew with each dawn. He sat down on the couch, his body sinking into the oversized cushions, and he turned on the T. The sun forced bright rays through the truck's treated glass, heating the interior. There are no magic words to make it go away, for me or for her. Veronica, too, dropped her hand of cards with no sign of reluctance. He knew he had to prove himself to his skeptical colleagues. It was a normal setting, even innocent, but to Amy it was a leering old man staring down the shirt of a girl. Karen began to talk. Call me sometime, he said. I'll let you borrow mine sometime if you don't want to buy a copy, she said. He said it would be open today. I resent that, Jack said. Karen shrugged and placed more food on her plate. It's lights glared obscenely through the forest, flickered, then turned red as it fell away up the mountain. The men stood about three feet apart facing each other like opponents in a ring. Its contents emptied, he noticed for the first time a small plaque on the inside wall of the drawer. Of course it's absurd. Tell me again what happened to you out there, Vincent said. One of these people most certainly told Mrs. The host interrupted his caller, and said, Jack, you may not like that, but you're employer has a right to place cameras on his property. She left this malicious comment to the air, continuing: He had only been at work for about fifteen minutes when Greg called him into his office, but they shut the door and it stayed that way almost until lunch. Alex, out of breath and laughing, joined in the applause. Believe in your abilities, and the world will follow suit. Are you going in tomorrow? Vincent asked. Election results, he said. Vincent felt cold in the face of this judgment. Vincent used this disruption to end his involvement in the game of catch. There's a barbecue place a few miles up the road. Mark was stuck in purgatory, waiting, not sure if he should do something or remain patient. Soon, Vincent would be plunged into a blackness that would only abate with his arrival at the Alexander's home. The next step would be to hire a private detective, but Vincent's reluctance, money aside, stemmed from the fact that a man so hard to find might not want to be found at all. Suddenly, he understood that his own face was in total darkness, backlit from the hallway. He shut the door behind him, but left the light off, to leave the silence and the dark to prey upon his imagination. Tim decided to wait it out. He would see her tiny face, less than two feet above the ground, looking back at him with varying expressions, but none that of a child old enough to walk. Joel slowed the truck and signaled for a left hand turn, though no cars could be seen in either direction. One sunny afternoon, as Alex was deep in thought at his desk, his phone buzzed with a message from Mr. Her hair was dyed jet black, a stark contrast to her pale complexion. ? she asked, and peace traveled in the wake of this sound. He knew that overcoming imposter syndrome was a journey, not a destination. It was a reminder of his own journey and the transformative power of self-beli ef. He had learned that imposter syndrome, though it might linger in the shadows, could be conquered with self-belief, resilience, and the supp ort of a dedicated team. I think she did. Johnson. Within months of this, Dr. Find out what she was like, what made her so wonderful that Joey had to leave me. Alex smiled, appreciating her words of wisdom. Her angle was determined and set. Hell, everyone on this block has used her, and there's never - She interrupted, This is different. Better to see it through. I wasn't going to rat him out or anything. It's no different to hear it from her. She could be dead, he thought. She would have nodded to anything. He had risen to the challenge, proving not only his technical prowess but also his ability to lead and inspire his team. Vincent had expected a confrontation from Amy this morning, or at least some level of hostility. The waiter arrived, and Amy ordered a bottle of Merlot. Move to a different town. Amy drank her wine, then, glass empty, refilled only to drain half of that glass immediately. I am not the right man for this job. That's the name of the waterfall? Vincent asked. Just because you couldn't get an answer at the office - You're lying to me again. Inside the house, Joel and Vincent unloaded the groceries into the refrigerator and the cupboards. It's a mystery, said Jack. So, what brings you down here, Tim? Oh, you know. No, he said without commitment, You seem to know what you're doing. Yeah, what's your profession? Or, what would you like to do? Oh, she said, comprehending. Mark, Bobby, and Veronica all ran to Joel, excited by the once-a-year prospect of a dangerous toy. The keep in the background, and the two men were clear, but the number eluded him. His best suit had been laundered for him, his tie had been selected, his shirt laid out on the bed as a helpful reminder, and his daughter was dressed and prepared for public display. The cliffhanger loomed large, leaving readers on the edge of their seats, eager to discover whether Alex could overco me the unexpected obstacles before him and prove his worth. Yeah, agreed Vincent. Whether you're strong enough is irrelevant. [six] His daughter beside him - sleeping through the soft sounds of rain on the windows and the much louder sounds of the engine working against the twisting mountain roads - Vincent gripped the wheel and held tightly to his failing vision, blurred by fatigue. How can she understand what's happened, or what's going to happen? How can I? Vincent asked. He stopped on CNN and left the room, an anchorwoman's voice following him back up the short flight of stairs. I'm here to address any concerns you may ha ve. Quickly, she had composed herself and rushed to comfort Mark. She had faithfully reproduced the house across from their own, the empty street, and at the bottom of the canvas, their driveway, complete with Vincent's car, as though he had been home at the time she came to this area of the painting. I just received an email from the client. What? Did he tell you that? Did you meet her? Tim asked. Mark hardly noticed what the man said. My wife, he said. If he could only see the sky in his mind then possibly that would indicate a season which in turn would trigger a memory of the date. But I don't think I've told you about this one. I was hoping you would say that. Let's go, babe, Amy said in mock impatience. She's your child . There was no television. Joel now taunted the dog, putting his hand in its mouth and shaking back and forth; Vincent could see the dog's yellow teeth gripping into the flesh of Joel's wrist, pulling and straining against the thin membrane, but Joel met the force with equal resistance, not giving in and apparently not feeling any pain. He opened his laptop and began to scour the internet for advice on handling imposter syndrome. That's all I ask. Timothy walked straight to his apartment on the ground floor and Vincent half jogged across the lot, fearing that Timothy would disappear into his home and not open the door. Vincent went downstairs, into the kitchen. He put the article back in its place among the others, then drained the balance of the wine in his glass. If it weren't for my wife, I'd be destitute no matter how hard I worked. Naked, he asked, How did Dan react? I mean, how did they get Bill out of the office? I don't know. Hmm? Then, louder, so there could be no mistake, Would you like to have another child? A sharp gasp parted Vincent's dried lips, and he was awake. A final whimper, low and palpitating, came from the dog, but this went unheard over the noise of the engine, which breathed hot air into the glassy eyes of the dying dog. The moment was a short one, though, for Veronica, frightened of her father's wrath, ran away, disappearing behind one of the neighbor's houses. The collective mind was a fabrication, woven to an incomplete state by Vincent alone. As the meeting drew to a close, he was mentally drained but hopeful that he had made a convincing case. Vincent opened the door wide and stepped back to allow his friend to enter. How could you not know? I call and you don't answer. sometimes you just have to let them clean their mouse or reconnect the printers on their own. He stopped, considering, then erased the rest of the board. The clock in the car read twelve forty-two. She could have pushed it open and walked in his home to find him sitting on the couch ignoring her, but this was a chance he was willing to take. ÔThey don't have women this beautiful back home,' he said. They're paid to be friendly. His mind clear, empty, Vincent put his foot through the remaining works of art stacked against the wall. I wanted to rub his nose in it so he'd see what I could do, but I didn't to jeopardize my friendship with Sarah. Then a second tree turned Vincent sideways again as it impacted the right side of the front bumper. After some contemplation, he replied to Jenny's email, agreeing to attend the reunion. In fact, I've been there too. The pillars, verticals if you will, are our bread and butter, the technologies and markets that will drive customers and revenue, and we're positioned to take advantage of all of them– Mark sipped his coffee. It began to seem as if that day would never arrive. He wanted to wake the child gently. It was a stupid thing to notice, but suddenly that was the difference between Karen and Sarah. He only looks at the numbers. We've used her for years. Unbelievable, Mark said. He knew the scene was leaving his control. Alec had turned his attention to the whiteboard. Of course, Vincent answered, taken aback by the thought. The motel she had chosen was called The Green Knight Inn. What are you– Never mind. The simple truth was that, as far as he knew, no one had ever been terrified of him in his life. There were obvious differences in age, but an uncanny similarity between the two sisters could not be denied. Vincent took a small fork full of rice and chicken into his mouth and chewed. He moved around the living room, turning on three small lamps, which filled the shadowy spaces with light. The drive went smoothly. Bottled water and chocolate covered granola bars. It seems like a long drive. Pancakes? Vincent gestured to the mix. Let's not talk about it anymore tonight, angel, Vincent said. It seemed that another group was setting up for a barbecue, and a swarm of hungry seagulls had descended upon their food. I saw the way he was looking at her. I did want to give in. Can I go? The rest of the conversation faded for Vincent, who had ascended to the top of the stairs. He crossed Pleasant Hill, the last major intersection before the entrance to his subdivision, and doubled his speed, traffic no longer hindering him. If I don't know the answer by now, she thought, then it has to be no. Vincent said nothing, trying to control his anger. Tim shrugged. Vincent increased his pace down the hall. You can't fuck up her life, then just say I'm sorry. Also, there was only one car in the driveway. I hope you don't mind, she said, smiling sheepishly. Vincent turned away from Karen's work in progress to look at the stacked frames against the wall. You've never hurt her, have you? No, Vincent said. I want to get pregnant, she said. If she went away quietly he could escape, out the door, on with his life, but if she came inside, transgressed the hurdle he had left for her, then he might take a different path altogether. We've done this on field trips for my first grade class. Vincent watched him in the rear view mirror. It can't be that famous, Joel commented. He turned, looking over his shoulder at the hallway behind. I'm going away for the weekend, which is why I wanted to come over. From where he sat he could not see her face as it was obstructed by a blocky monitor angled off to the side. Vincent drifted near sleep, his eyes only occasionally opening to take in the half darkness of the room. It was a familiar feeling—the pressure to deliver, the fear of falling short, the looming shadow of imposter syndrome. Joel and Sarah did not know he was coming. It occurred to Amy that she was part of that difference, that Vincent never would have found himself involved with a woman like her, except on the back side of tragedy. There was no answer again. Vincent backed away from the door, and moved around the corner into the living room where he could not be seen. He began to feel awkward, and wished that Joel could have been there to stimulate the conversation. Don't you read the newspaper every day? Sure, Vincent said, but I don't remember any of these stories, and I don't remember ever discussing them with Karen. He opened the door quietly, hoping not to disturb the sleeping child, but she was too anxious for his arrival to sleep, and he found her sitting upright in bed, eyes wide. Joel paid in cash, then the two men each grabbed a bag and they left. I only want you to be happy. They each took the chair on which they sat, then began the slow decent down the hill, into the parking lot. Tim said, I know. This is how Tim felt, but the gift was for himself, only he no longer enjoyed Beethoven. It seemed anachronistic to his nature: a love of sport, but a fear and distrust of his fellow fans. I hadn't thought of that, Tim said. Sarah, always a night owl, responded to his message. This was the course of action she would follow, and she would believe that this was correct, but, left alone, she would have done the exact opposite. I had to follow her for another week, and the guy I was staying with was getting impatient - he expected me to put out as kind of a rent payment, y'know. Imploring me toward some action. , close to each other for the first time since Veronica had come home, a fact not lost upon Vincent, but he was through with bitterness for one day, the softness of his wife's body removing all hurt and hate, the smell of her perfume and her hair flattening all emotion, reassuring him. He brought two glasses from the cupboard, then filled them with ice. He separated these from the other pages, noting to himself to investigate these later. I'll do my best. I'm- She waited, knowing what he wanted to say, but he did not finish the sentence. While there have been positive aspects, there are areas where we feel improvements are needed. Maybe only twenty more minutes of mountain road, before the branch onto the Alexander's street, and there he would find them, the last house on the left. Be careful. Be careful. So I kept close, waiting for her to go again. Her school ends next week, and I'm afraid she'll get worse with so much time on her hands and no one to take care of her. The table was clean, the dishes hidden safely away, and the counter tops, white before and white now, had been bleached to sterility. From his vantage point just inside the doorway, Vincent could see almost to his bedroom on the second floor. Joel owned a small hardware store at the base of the mountain. He visualized his apartment and the table which held his modest stereo equipment and the remainder of his musical collection, but the image did not form, the table had been cleared to make room for increasingly complex houses of cards, and the cd's lay discarded in a corner; he could not remember the music he owned. So how's work going? Tim asked in an effort to change the subject. Vincent said. Trust won out over suspicion, and she pulled the car door shut behind her. Mark was a gentle explorer, a lover of knowledge and erudition, now tossed into a capitalist pit of velocity and greed. No, think about it, she said. The rolls are great. There's a lot to get used to. Through a finger wide parting in the heavy curtains, he could see outside. She was good for him, as Karen had been good for him before, but they were very much different, separate and distinct in his mind. The door opened. The door opened. On the final tortured utterance Vincent awoke to the same room he had left, now filled with the bright light of dawn; his neck hurt; his eyes hurt, and his daughter sat a few feet from the television screen, laughing hysterically - piercingly - as Elmer Fudd hunted Bugs Bunny. He had that married look to him. He leaned forward in his chair and got a good look at her. I never would have noticed. He sighed, feeling an end to the logic. Days turned into nights as the team worked tirelessly to implement the client's changes. They would be late, but that was of no concern. So infrequently used was this room - especially that piece of furniture - that Vincent had not even considered looking for her there. Hand over hand he pulled himself up the steep slope, ignoring the sharp pain in his leg, and the throbbing which seemed to pulse through his entire body; Vincent focused his thoughts in an effort to remember how far he had fallen. Vincent felt a wet touch against his bare leg. Smell to him was the most elusive of senses, meaning little without the support from one of the remaining four. The feeling of accomplishment fueled Alex's determination to tackle even more significant challenges. Moreau at some point. A few of them even smiled. He attributed it to some lacking on his part, some aspect of his character that was never fully developed, but this implied that it would arrive some day, that he would grow up, or grow into the role of father. Angry, stumbling as he negotiated the hill, Vincent left Joel standing at the top of the ridge. He recognized them all, and wished he had not, knowing that forever their identities would be intermingled with this sordid affair. Sarah looked out her window, letting a thin ray of noon-day sun rest on her forehead. You want to try it? Why not? Fine, Joel said. Are you sure you're authorized to operate these things, Joel? asked Jack. There was not an acceptable place to turn around. Denied entry to the engineering floor and unable to find a friendly face that could help him resolve this problem, Alec led Mark back to the 19th floor break room. I met her that week. The meal completed, he piled the dishes into the sink, not bothering even to rinse the final vestiges of food. Vincent's heart raced with fear. We're moving into a new world and your effort is crucial in helping us get there. They watched Amy and Tim walk from the store, then, presumably resumed their contest. Vincent agreed, thinking of his confrontation with Joel in the forest. His first thought was that Karen had picked up a group of paintings from a garage sale and then changed her mind about their quality only to leave them in permanent storage at the back of the attic, but the easel did not fit into that explanation. It's about an infant who dies in a fire in the southwest part of the city. Her black hair stood out from the sheets and pillow, ending the unity and conformity of whiteness. And that's all. It could be dangerous. You can just leave your bag right there for now. What was that about? he asked Joel. She took the seat next to him, and placed her hand on his arm. Thanks, Vincent said. Thanks, Vincent said. Thanks, Vincent said. Thanks, Vincent said. Besides, he was right, they had time to spare. Joel was wearing blue jeans and a gray t-shirt; his wife, though more fashionable, wore black leggings and a long, baggy, button down white shirt. I know that. So you suspected he was married from the start? Vincent asked, knowing that Joel had married his dead wife's sister when this girl was probably twelve. He pushed to the back of his mind the cool, bone feel of the dirt, and the tendril roots inching up his skin. Chapter 4: Rising to the Challenge With the weight of the crucial meeting behind him, Alex found himself immersed in the day-to-day demands of the project. I could drive you down I85 a few more exits, closer into the city. He pressed the button for the 20th floor and the elevator immediately went into motion, taking them up. They tell us they're to prevent theft and other things. But why, he asked. Still, he gave the handle a tag. The attic, he thought. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Encumbered in this manner, he carried her from the den, up the flight of stairs, and into her bedroom where he placed her gently on her bed. We're having a cook-out today. That was Julie from HR, Amelia said. Looking for some chink in Veronica's armor, but she was too well taught, too much time learning from experts at manufactured facades. He lowered the clipboard and looked back at her with a big smile. The most significant events of his life disappeared from his mind only years after he turned his back on them, with no hope of one day recalling these moments with greater clarity than he could now, and shadowed by the despair that what little clarity remained would fade. It was from Karen's father on her ninth birthday. It was a tedious exercise Vincent stopped again for a bout of shaking, holding himself fetally while his body revolted, ignorant of his mind's desire to live. I still do. The road scurried, a frightened animal under his tires, and Vincent let himself roll over the miles without pause or reservation. He was still- Cold? Amy finished. Still, he believed the woman deserved a second chance. Patience and caution would get him to his destination. Through the quiet that followed, he distinctly heard the faint sounds of his daughter's T. Softly, she said, No. A hand painted sign by the road read, Mechanic On Duty. He came down one weekend, which was unusual, we normally saw each other during the week, and he said it was over. What challenge would it be if they were all the same. The unexpected reaction stalled Vincent in his approach, but, powered without will, his steps resumed underneath, and lawn fell away behind him. I'll still have to sign, though? Right? You are a funny one, Ms. I'll be up in a minute. Veronica began the trip quietly, but began to cry after a short time. Hi, Sarah, Joel said. It will help her, he said weakly. Joel would never be that stupid. I mean I don't usually get involved in that kind of thing, but you've seen a guy be in a stall for a long time, and sometime you start to think he might not be alone. It was not a published work, but rather a hardback notebook, slightly larger than a trade paperback. He would not live unless he found shelter, and the only location which qualified was Joel and Sarah's home, but he did not know how far that was. That's why. Alex raised an eyebrow, setting the report aside. Weakened, he sat on the tile floor, cold against his folded legs. In the darkened room, he sat on the couch near the window, propping his feet on the coffee table. She looked up at him expectantly, waiting for her goodnight kiss. Not even to send to a relative or friend? Or to show her boss at work? Not that I'm aware of. Moreau was so indiscrete, so careless in his affairs, that anyone that knew him knew his sexual habits. She drove steadily towards Vincent's home, now on the winding roads just seconds from his street. Finally she decides to go in to see the movie, too proud to go home after paying for it and waiting all this time. They want new features added, and they want it done within an incredibly tight deadline—two weeks! Alex's heart sank at the news. The underripe ones have the most potassium. The sounds of a disk jockey listing the songs she would play filled the interior of the truck, and he hoped this would be enough to put a halt to conversation for a time. Slowly, to give the others their time, Vincent approached. It's good to have a friend in town. The day stretched into evening, and Alex found himself unable to shake off the feeling of inadequacy. He had done it. I've talked about it with your aunt and uncle, and they have agreed to keep you until school starts in the fall. He had what he needed for now. Why shouldn't it be? Behind them, Joel had begun his descent as well, his face angled toward the ground, hiding his expression, hiding - Vincent presumed - his anger. I think that was the plan from day one. Above, tall pine trees shrouded all but small patches of sky. So what were you doing up there anyway? Sarah asked. Karen said, It'll be ready soon. He would not have wanted her to look any other way, yet still she should not have appeared so flawless, as if death had not caught her by surprise, as if she had had all the time in her life to prepare for it, to dress and primp for this occasion. Joel could be silent when he wanted and it was this mood that Vincent intended to evoke. He moved forward, but still no sound from the house or his wife. They should stay like this for all time. You have been busy, Tim, he said. Anything else? A Waffle House. You could have told me the truth. Veronica, Vincent said, this is for the best. Are you sure you wouldn't mind? No. Certainly! Here's a scene where Alex has an unexpected encounter with a gorilla at Zoo Atlanta: - Amid the laughter and conversations of the high school reunion, Alex felt the need for a moment of solitude. Burdened, he walked gingerly down the drive, avoiding treacherous flagstones in favor of grass, and finally arrived at the front door. Then, through the darkness of his imagination, came the strong comforting hand of some fumbling relative, firmly gripping Vincent's shoulder in a brave display of support. He fell asleep against the tree. How many other high school Sarahs did Joel have spread across the southeast? Years? Vincent asked Yeah, Sarah said. Unless she was in on it. He had driven past the stoic home of Rachel Arthur where his young daughter would stay until he picked her up, not yet ready to share his grief, or be forced to share the grief of one so small, so incapable of understanding and resolving her own emotions. It's behind us. Vincent looked down at his hand, which wrapped the steering wheel. Joel did not want to move any closer while Vincent was asleep. My store's third best in the district. Will the walk be too far for Veronica? No, she shook her head. One took a long, poorly aimed shot, well outside of his range. She was content to let as much of the ride fall away as possible with no words or thoughts exchanged. Ramirez tending to her plants, her hands gently caressing the leaves of a vibrant orchid. I'm a stock broker. She slept, to the best of Vincent's knowledge, all the way back to Duluth, the suburb of Atlanta in which Vincent lived. If all your facts are right, and I don't think they are, then it doesn't add up. There are several attractive women he works closely with, but one woman, her name is Doreen -- but the last night name was dubbed out by the radio station. He calculated they had just over two and half hours left. How many fireworks? What kind? Oh, Joel said. You would not believe the time and energy spent fundraising. The world of that kitchen had a dreamlike quality, soundless, brightly lit from the long fluorescent lamp recessed into the ceiling – a fixture his parents would replace in coming years. powers? Amelia took her time responding. One sunny morning, as he sipped his coffee and glanced out of his office window at the Atlanta skyline, Alex received a call from Mr. There was no direction to go. Bleached blonde and teased into a rat's nest of curls, it could have been a wig, but the woman was far too young need such a prosthetic. That has all changed. I can't sit here and watch you eat veal. He scanned the rows and columns of dates and looked at the banal photographs hovering above, but his mind would not recall her birth date. He's had both of us strung along, and when I walked out, she moved in. I pressed the popcorn button, Amelia protested. Why don't I take lunch? she suggested. But it kills time. Once the kids are through, you'll see. Study sessions, dinner dates, faux-intellectual trips to art galleries and museums, then hotel rooms, clandestine quickies in his shared office, and last, the management of a end to the whole sordid affair, but an end that wouldn't affect his career, or expose him in a way that couldn't be ignored. Curious at the thought of money, she probed, Have you done well? Sure. I don't know if I'm a good father. He nodded. This was all the judgment he could muster, and inwardly Tim scolded himself for this lapse in self-control. A contractor couldn't allow himself to run behind schedule because your store wasn't open. Ready for a change, I guess. Could I have some cream with that, please? he asked. ÔYou're gorgeous,' he said. Let's just stick with first names, Karen. Gathered around the conference table were not only Mr. Vincent fell again into silence, not wanting to turn what would surely be a miserable afternoon into one filled with confrontation as well. The front door stood open, with only the glass storm door to block his way. Karen, when she noticed her husband's wandering, would take a natural position of offense, but she could no more end his attraction to other women than sever his attraction to herself. They would be on the surface, but in the end, they would still have to buy the same tools and supplies they always did. I had never thought he would leave his wife and marry me, but I never thought it would end either. He realized that his imposter syndrome had roots that extended back to those formative years. Hi, Veronica, Tim said. Too much to drink at a wedding reception, and here lay the guest of honor, stone cold drunk, yet very much alive. Dave is anxious– Alec swiped his badge against the card reader, which beeped quietly, blinked twice, and stubbornly stayed locked. I won't let you down, he mumbled, almost to himself. His left foot clumsy, leaden on the pedal, Vincent braked too hard, and felt the back tires of the truck slide out from underneath him. [eight] Vincent knocked on the door of Tim's apartment. Vincent pushed her softly to arms length. Sounds great. Light fell on his face, but no warmth, not yet. The last number written, Vincent immediately hung up, then released the button to begin dialing. Everything is going to change. I don't want to impose, so feel free to turn me down, but I think a vacation would do Veronica a world of good, and I remember how well she got along with your kids. Vincent opened a bottle of beer, offering one to Joel by way of a gesture. She still had faith in Rachel Arthur. A quick tour so you can see where you'll be working. He rummaged through Tim's cupboards, searching for some kind of snack. Instead of fearing the meeting with Mr. As he read the article, a thought struck him like a bolt of lightning. He really didn't want me to get pregnant. Mark waited in the elevator lobby, confused and increasingly confident that he was missing something. The idea of revisiting his past, of facing those who had known him during his most vulnerable years, was both terrifying and enticing. It's not inconceivable to me that a woman who is innocent on the surface could harbor a strange fetish. In all, the attic was disorganized and chaotic; a collection of many things that would have been discarded or given away had there not been a place where they could be retired. It was a moment of quiet reflection, a brief respite from the chaos of the reunion and the challenges of his career. The two women took their drinks and headed back to the house, leaving Jack and Vincent alone. Similarly for A and F. So what did you talk about? Vincent asked, searching for verisimilitude. Then he reached out, quickly grabbing two bottles off the top shelf. Has it been tough? he asked. It was all so comfortable. But Vincent did not call out. You're a perfect example of that. . Lines of code consumed by computers, executed in patient silence. A thump vibrated through her body, voiding her lungs of air. I don't think I got to sleep until after four. Surprising to Mark, the finance department were the most gregarious. Give up? Vincent asked. I don't socialize anymore. You never talk about her. The hill itself descended in a steep plane of high grass which terminated in a creek bed, littered and dry. Maybe if Joel's tart friend, Sarah showed up in the middle of the picnic, things would begin to look up, but the odds of that were too slim for consideration. For some reason, whatever balance they had achieved was gone. It hovered directly in their path, high in the sky as the day neared noon, so neither man suffered the brunt of heat and light, but the air conditioning ran without pause, a layer of noise on top of the engine's hum and the whine of the tires. It was a warm, quiet night. He half turned to respond, Not any large enough to stop me. It rattled a few inches toward the wall. Why? asked the host. Software. I didn't understand what you meant. Her body tight against Joel, Vincent saw his expression change from anxiety to a mask of indifference. Vincent himself had not been in the attic since a few days after Thanksgiving when he had retrieved decorations for Christmas, but Karen had been the one to put them away. The clerk complied, filling the paper bag until the stems of the bottle rockets poked above the rim. Vincent did not know whether he had been cursed or blessed. All within about a centimeter of each other, but enough to complicate the building of Tim's houses. They dissected the client's requests, outlined the scope of the changes, and brainstormed strategies to implement them efficiently. He could do it now. Together with Sarah and the team, they had c racked the code. and I think that my employer may be doing something unethical, the caller said. It was after six o'clock and he did not want to upset his baby sitter again. You'll do nothing but break her heart if you send her away. We're going to have lots of fun. You saw her tongue or something. He listened as the phone rang on the other end, impatient for Timothy to pick up. I don't understand. She met him on the porch, the storm door hissing shut behind her as Vincent reached the top step. Vincent craved equability, but lied, Thankfully, he is fine. Is that your Plymouth? Yeah. He considered an apology, but knew that Amy would not accept or even acknowledge any conciliation tonight. The keypad beeped as she entered numbers, then she pressed start, and left the break room. It either just moved to this location, or didn't exist last year. Moreau to be a strong willed person. She switched to a breaststroke, it would possibly conserve her energy. The city's lights outside blurred into a sea of uncertainty, and Alex's future hung on the precipice of that looming meeting. No beer, Joel corrected. Will we hit a town, or something? Eventually. His footsteps echoed in the quiet streets of Atlanta, each one a reminder of the weight of his impending meeting with Mr. Tim thought about the child. For the first time, Tim began to think of the articles as snapshots of Karen's life, fixed moments in time where, unlike an actual photograph, the viewer knew not what the subject looked like, but what the subject thought. Standing by the sink, Vincent heard the phone ring. Most days its all we can do to keep the shelves stocked. The host interrupted again, and said, Jack, it definitely sounds like you have a problem, but the topic for today's show is 'Workplace Romance. More rolls, he told the waiter. You think we could stop and grab some food? Vincent asked, forgetting he had turned down the offer of breakfast less than an hour ago. She would have preferred to find a new sitter, even one farther away or more expensive than the convenient and economical Rachel Arthur. What if I call her the middle of next week and she's having a great time? Do you admit that it could happen? It could, she conceded, but it's not likely. Who should I talk to about that? Alec knocked on the door, waited only a few seconds, then said, Let's take the elevator. Ahead Sarah and the three children trudged through the underbrush. Now don't tell me you'd rather hike with me and the children. She got out of the car, looked up suspiciously at Vincent's home, then shrugged and walked to the front door, her only luggage on her back. He pretended to take the idea seriously, but it was clear that he did not want another child. I kind of sprung it on him right before he went to sleep. So focused was Karen on Veronica, that the answer to her question was never revealed. Maybe this was how fathers were supposed to treat their daughters. The police having seen death before would not grieve. It's not an easy thing to shut off your mind. Vincent opened the refrigerator door, but closed it seconds later, unmotivated by any food. Thornton leaned back in his chair and exchanged a glance with the other executives. Did she not care? It made no difference. Vincent's friend. Your car or mine? Amy said. He hoped that Amy held her, or at least stayed near the child during this time. It's almost ten o'clock. Sarah ate well, finishing all the food on her plate and returning to the rhombus-sided box for more. It was a disappointing walk for Vincent, pervaded by drudgery and boredom. Looking at Veronica, he could not tell her now. Timothy had complicated the task by using circular cards, which left gaps between their sides, giving less for the next level to rest upon. The knowledge that he could not leave the house made him suddenly want to go for a long drive; like a petulant child he desired the one thing he knew he could not have. Vincent took the paper from his friend's hands; reading it again he ran the names through his mind. The poetry book probably won't have much, but there may be some legitimate clues in the notebook. The road twisted and rose. If she gave up, drove home and closed the door of her apartment in apathy, it would be Veronica who suffered. People began to arrive, two by two, few daring to come in solitude, and Vincent felt as if he greeted them all, accepting their hollow consolations, their timid smiles, their stoic frowns. Some of the things you see aren't security related, and very few of the known homosexuals ever go into the women's bathroom. I think those are illuminating comments. I like the first grade. Hey, Amy said. They were the only ones inside, and remained silent. Goodbye, Tim said, then Vincent heard the door close at his back. It surprised Vincent that these things were noticed. Ready? Sarah nodded, her eyes gleaming with excitement. Finally, I realized that I wasn't going to fit in, so I tried to lay low, stay out of sight, hoping to at least keep my job. When she turned around the car had stopped less than a foot from Veronica. He stopped often to rest, sitting at some undesignated spot on the pavement, each time telling himself he would not rest again. Absolutely, he said, and turned to face the door. Touchy, touchy, said Jack. Vincent, my friend, Sarah Todd. It's not fair to me. I know it's not as exciting as running a hardware store, single handedly meeting the needs of a metropolis of tool-using cave-dwellers, but it does pay the bills. So what was the relationship like? Where did you go from there? I went to dinner with him, then once we went bowling and to a movie. Karen spooned potato salad onto her plastic plate, and because she did not make it herself she immediately took a bite, the dill overpowering her tongue. I'm simply in the mood for a really good meal. Pushing heavily against the soft pine table, Joel stood. com could take them anywhere. The hall where he stood was dark, and the window would reflect all light from outside, so Vincent knew he could not be seen, giving him a precious moment to decide if he wanted to see her now. What do we do now? asked Amy. The dim light in the restaurant hid his expression from Amy. I'll need a minute alone with Veronica. One of your co-workers was still there. But how many. It's just a child's fear, with no grounding in reality. Sarah, and the couple which Vincent presumed were Jack and Martha, waved, but remained seated in their chairs in the shade. Christine left the shallow water and ran upstream to the stone footbridge which would allow her to cross. We'll assess the client's requirements, create a plan, and see how we can make this happen. He tried to remember which one it was. Knowledge, a blade worn dull by time and use, was honed into a sharp edge by this discovery, and the threat would moderate any future comfort Vincent would take from the familiarity of his home. he hesitated, calculating. You make it sound as if I talk just to hear myself think. Try yours, Alec suggested. The lizard jumped off, and ran away into the underbrush. Partially, but I have more to say, and you're going to hear it whether you want to or not. Silver rings and a bracelet glinted in the sun, the reflection of which dance across the wall inside Vincent's home. Straining to see, Vincent missed the animal which darted across the road in front of his car. The loud blast was followed by an obscene gesture from the driver ahead. He finished the knots hurriedly, not caring how tight the shoes felt. The movie starts and still no sign of me. I just pick up candy wrappers from the parking lot and dig a few holes when they tell me to. The only thoughts I had that made any sense were those that I had while programming. He showered, dressed meticulously in his best suit, and headed out the door. I know that in my heart. Alex, now more comfortable in his role as project lead, found himself on the same team as Sarah. I'm bleeding. It provided an elusive, but enlightening window to his mind. Alec sighed. A half dozen men and women sat facing computer monitors, slim headsets on their ears, a microphone dangling in front of their mouths. Karen smiled and responded to her husband's harmless proddings - Are you going to the store tomorrow, dear? - How is your car running? - Do you think we should renew our subscription to the paper? - but she responded mechanically, and mechanically she smiled, her mind attached to the child's behavior and not her own. Vincent turned on the T. Joel produced a crumpled sheet of paper from the front pocket of his shorts. Will you stop at just one? I think so. They went to the den to wait for the food to arrive, each sitting on one end of the dark brown couch. Through this gap, chrome and glass reflected glaring sunlight. The receptionist, Amelia, came into the break room, then. His wife had a response, but it was too soft to be heard. Tell me what you like. Not a sticky note or a pen or scrap of paper. Stacy had taken the time to clean up after the mess Vincent had left at breakfast. You are not who they think you are. Vincent approached his task with solemn determination, intending to finish the book at any cost, to find insight regardless of how long it took. Are you sure she wasn't assaulted by an ape at some point? he asked. Oh, she said, nodding. He could not hear the words, but knew that they comforted his daughter. There was too much to do. This was where Vincent and Karen kept the bulk of their important documents. Alex knew that transparency was key in resolving their concerns. Timothy sighed, weary of defending himself, not strong enough to mount an offensive. After only minutes, he began to believe that he would have to look through each and every document in the three drawers. It was one item in a long list of actions he could have taken I'll try to make sense of it to you, Vince, but I don't know myself, he said, shifting in his chair. The typing stopped. Vincent beat out the phone number of his next contact on the list. Do you think we're good parents, Vincent? I mean on the whole. You can't tell me all he was looking for was a bowling buddy, Vincent said. Even when Karen was alive, family rituals such as this took on a strangely discordant sensation for Vincent. In this manner, one sheet after the other, he worked his way through the alphabet of his wife's mind, until he found what he had been looking for in the center of D. Both were attempting to pass on some piece of information and in each case, Mark was left nonplussed. She's a wonderful child and no trouble at all to take care of. Vincent dialed his first number on the list, determined not to think about what his co-worker had said. The majestic creatures were always a favorite of his, even as a child. Maybe he had been looking at imposter syndrome all wrong. Timothy knew where it was leading and knew that he would follow that course, but he put up a level of resistance. Vincent stood to find the remote, moving pillows and coffee table clutter before locating the device. Next caller, the host said. That's an odd perspective, Vincent said, wondering if he should be offended. What's the matter, Sarah? Is there an issue with the project? Sarah nodded, her fingers flying over her keyboard to bring up the email. He drained his glass again, doubting that there would be any hike in the morning. Vincent has mailed out several letters; he has phoned directory information in the cities near to Tim's old address. Reddening, he responded with equal anger, You don't know what I've been through. Alec led him through the break room and toward a closed door that had a badge reader on it. The motion of the climb was not quick enough to have a warming effect, as would walking, but he could not move any faster. My god. I got scared, and stopped going to work. Based on her assumptions of rent prices and job wages in the area, she would have to find an apartment within one week of her arrival - hotel bills would drain her quickly - and she would need to collect her first paycheck no more than four or five weeks from today. You've got to be kidding. His daughter rushed to him before he could get more than a few steps down the hall, there accosting him with affection, throwing her arms around his waist. He ate his breakfast slowly, and quietly, having little to say to Sarah at this time. Chapter 9 marked a continuation of Alex's journey—a journey of growth, self-discovery, and leadership. I can't figure out what's wrong. Despite the warm weather not that many families had decided to make this excursion today. Sleeping with a man who played me, gave me no more credit than I deserved as a teenaged mistress. Joel's demeanor matched his own; he, too, wishing to be silent. Karen continued eating her bagel as if she could not hear, or as if the sound had no effect on her, but Vincent could not ignore his daughter so easily. I couldn't understand because it's beyond what I could imagine. I think we might be approaching this from the wrong angle. He had learned all he had wanted, except for a number. It's difficult for her now, Tim, Vincent said. Have a seat, Vince, he said, gesturing towards the couch. The rest of the morning continued in this manner, and when lunch neared, Vincent was riding a wave of confidence and success. Never any pain or exertion, just a constant decay, a steady lowering until his goals were far above him, and he was trapped in this valley. Vincent was accustomed to this darkness, or half-darkness, in which his wife used to live, apparently by preference, but Vincent knew that Sarah would be put off by the somber look of the house. You just have to be patient and help her through the hard part. Tim knew he would delay, knew he would wait as long as possible, which in this instance would only be a few days, yet still he nodded, a beer glass just inches from his mouth, when Amy said, So you'll go by tomorrow? It was next Saturday when Tim finally left his apartment with full intention of driving to Vincent's. He turned, hearing the expected sliding and clicking of the moving bolt. See anything you want, Vince? Joel asked. I had a personal life, but I never thought of it. It sounds like you had a busy time. Something called Logistics and Operations. Focused and determined, he was eager to make the most of this call, eager to turn the name on the list into a client in which Vincent could rub Smitty's nose, but after almost ten minutes on the phone, the man grew impatient and hung up with a terse rejection. She poked him playfully in the ribs, saying, That's what I thought. She took a deep breath, and let the moment grow pregnant with time. For his part, Timothy accepted this and was eager to close the discussion. He would have to call Tim and ask. Veronica, he began, did you enjoy staying with your aunt and uncle this weekend? Yes, daddy. Did Rachel see anything else? Vincent asked. The senior executive's voice was warm and encouraging as he spoke, Alex, I wanted to congratulate you and the team on the exceptional work you've done on the project. But you already know, she said. He pushed aside enough of the clutter to sit down, but tried to be gentle about it, not wanting to break anything or offend Amy. His thoughts narrowed, focused by the noise, concentrated into a narrow, purposeless point. This move is to help her. The city's early risers rushed by, lost in their own worlds, unaware of the mental turmoil that accompanied Alex's every step. Karen could eat. He did not know what else to say. Jack shrugged. First only hearing the sobs, then, slowly, as those subsided, came Amy's soft voice through the noise. I'll give it a few minutes and then head home. What I mean is that her fear is more than just a simple misunderstanding that can be eliminated by a good heart to heart talk. Yeah, Vincent said, and I can't really blame anyone. He was weak that way. Cowed by twisting mountain roads, Vincent kept his speed down, ensuring that he would not arrive before dark. Ramirez. Ramirez. She moved her tiny palm against his, fidgeting when it grew slick with perspiration, but kept a firm grip. She nodded knowingly. Vincent went behind her. It may be over. I think, he said, that you're missing the point. [seven] Tell me about your trip, Veronica, said Amy. Sarah was correct about the length of the walk. A sign hanging down from the front eave read, Bar-B-Q in faded, red letters. Sure. Sure. Or build it on a sturdier surface. Taking from Karen the security of a relationship that needed no effort, and taking from Amy the happiness he knew that could not last, for there was little returned. It's a trade off. She exposed the clear blue centers of her eyes and lifted herself to a sitting position. Anyway, she went into this restaurant - I think it's called Selmonina, or something like that - and I hurried in behind her. Pressed against the bottom of the drawer, clinging securely to the wooden surface, was a birthday card. Tim discarded it immediately, unread. Still, I'm glad I came by. Just a happy birthday wish from a father to her daughter. One eye was not enough to see through the noise and confusion, but she pushed on, hoping the boy would be still, if only for a moment. When did Karen die? Tim asked, unaware of the bluntness of his question. We're late already. Accusations such as this could go on without end or pause. You know, nine to five, opportunity for advancement. Don't they start to repeat? he asked. Shit, you'd be crazy if it was any other way. I don't understand . There it was, just like another sorry key, right next to the key to his filing cabinet and maybe the key to the padlock on his yard barn at home. Start applying for jobs tomorrow. Why would anyone keep that? Vincent asked. She shot him a glance of annoyance, then took the phone from him. Just try to get some work done, Ruth, said Amy. A gold trimmed clock on the wall across from Vincent reflected light from the street lamps outside, its ticking barely audible in the silence of the house. But how do you know they're living together? Tim asked. The cab of the truck had again become heated, the sun locked within its windows, cracking the dashboard, turning the metal buckles of the seatbelts into tiny irons. One of his first tasks in the new role was to assemble a team for a critical project. There should be skyscrapers here, Vincent thought. Before Karen died, Vincent said through a scratchy throat, I almost killed Veronica. Mark put his hands up in a shrug of uncertainty. Imprisoned within childish, primary color frames. On it was scribbled the short list of items they were supposed to get. I'll come in. Hello, Vincent. Her black hair was pulled straight back, tight against her head, but fell loosely in a pony tail against her neck. There was little room for error. The end came the day of the funeral. He had left the scene of the near miss without even checking to see if Veronica was all right. Well, let's catch up to them, Sarah said, and stood from her kneeling position. Tears of relief fell down Vincent's face, and he expelled his held breath in a heavy sigh. I loathe the outdoors. He would have to face her next. She set the empty glass in the sink, then kissed Vincent on the cheek. Just working through some bugs. Vincent said nothing, and in the silence which followed, Stacy began to realize how far across the line she had gone. Threatened. The noise of the engine leveled off, no longer straining, but holding a steady speed, unchanging, and the drone faded into the background, soon to go unnoticed by both Joel and Vincent. Without waiting for a response from Vincent, Sarah unbuckled her seat belt and crawled between the two bucket seats into the back. Sarah let out a frustrated sigh, You know, I was hoping we could give Veronica one pleasant weekend with her father. She cranked the engine to life and rumbled the car backwards down the driveway, craning her neck to see if any cars were coming down the road. It came out about an inch, then jammed, something within pushing against the inside lip of the table, preventing the drawer from moving. Her expression remained still. What was the straw that broke the camel's back? You mean to put Bill over the edge, or to make Dan fire him? To make Dan fire him. The sound rattled around him, clacking against the wooden floorboards with cackling force, until all the contents and the plastic box itself came to rest, silent. I don't want to build a permanent structure. When I look at her, I'm afraid, Vincent said. He played no part in its decoration, and always imagined it to be a scarcely used, almost useless fragment of his home. There he waited, until the banality of late night entertainment stopped his mind from thinking, and he fell asleep, still upright, head lolled painfully to one side. No marriage, no birth, no ignoble death in a polluted river. Christine searched for the boy. He then weaved through several miles of residential streets that placed him again on the correct path, free and clear of the time-stealing traffic. He knew this was what Veronica needed, a warm body near her when she slept. Karen, Vincent repeated, and placed his hand on top of hers. He won't let me buy anything there, she said. Amy herself had inadvertently exposed her property to the mercy of the world, her car unlocked, top down, there for any disadvantaged youth to hot wire, but it was untouched. The problem was intricate, involving complex data structures and conditional statements. He had seen her in action, shrewishly calling each child's name, her voice stopping them in their tracks, guilt ridden even during the most innocent of activities. The radio blithely scanned away, trolling through static for a signal. She smiled and squeezed his hand with affection. He wondered if her logic would prevail in the darkness of a motel room with her thighs as open beneath the sheets as her mind was beneath the sun. Each man sat in a chair with his respective book and began to read, looking for a reason why a dead woman would have kept eleven apparently unrelated news clippings. I never even considered it Rachel. they've installed cameras around the building. A black lamp stood at its side; a particle board coffee table, clean of all clutter or life rested at its front. Amelia, right? I won't forget next time. A vain wish of a five year old child. He wondered if Joel had a favorite, or if he chose at random each year. Beer would be great, Tim said, looking around the foyer as if he were lost. Joel opened the door of the truck, feeling a wave of heat rush out, the air inside warmed from the morning sun. You can be a charming man when you want to be. When the contents of the basket had been rung up, the total price came to less than half of what it should have been. There's no two ways about it. His watch read six fifty-two. It would not be easy to adjust to the silent rooms and the hallways which would remain dark until he made the effort to light them. Change into your pajamas and brush your teeth. I'll never forget your encouragement. He said he was going to be in town for a few nights and wanted to take me out to dinner. She looked as if she were reciting a weather report. I saw your presentation at the user's group last month. Holding the receiver against his ear, he dialed Timothy's number, then sat down at the table, prepared for a wait as his friend decided whether to answer the call. busy. What was that? Mark asked. Karen returned her concentration to the poetry, reading again and again the single line she hoped to understand, as if by will alone she could repeat the words until clarity descended, but it became a chant, no longer sounding or seeming like a meaningful phrase. Think about it, in less than four months he had to seduce, love, and then break up with a teenage girl. An upstairs provided an acceptable locale for the ancillary goings-on necessary to keep a business functioning. The girl counted out his return bills, then handed them to him with a receipt. Anything to help the team win. Veronica did not normally like to go to the store with her mother. In death, she was beautiful, and Vincent felt cheated, mocked by the man who had costumed her. He pulled at the door handle. In fact he had been scheduled to pick up Veronica two weekends ago, but had left a message on their answering machine - calling at he time he knew they would not be home - and said he would not be able to make it. Chapter 8: Navigating the Storm The weeks following the high school reunion were a whirlwind of activity for Alex. Sarah placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. What do you do, Vincent? she asked. The blue color scheme muted in the reduced light, this room again seemed new to Vincent, as if this were the first time he had been here since a redecoration. It was comforting to realize that everyone had their own struggles and insecurities, and t hat he wasn't alone in his journey. Sitting here, alone, the house silent, dead, encasing him, Vincent imagined that it had never happened. How can I help you? the attendant said. You're not an impostor. She was so different than Vincent it made Tim wonder what they saw in each other. The pressure was relentless, the code reviews were rigorous, and the sleep was scarce. Karen's mother, in an ill-fitting black dress, bent over the coffin, kissing the cadaver within. It's not like that. Sleep on the idea. The door closed behind Amy and Timothy as they stepped out into the fading July day. A second splash was heard: a man, blonde hair shining, had jumped into the water on the other side and was swimming toward the middle of the river, where Karen had just come into contact with the boy. It was a vacation not an exile. I was too angry to stop. [finish conversation. Don't expect me to risk my life because of your stupidity, Vincent said, holding up his hands. We'd have all day Sunday together, then I could come back Sunday night. It's too hard, she said. He was kinda helping me. He did miss her conversation, though, and wanted for her to be awake soon. He had hoped this issue would go unnoticed, but it seemed that nothing escaped the scrutiny of the senior executives. He did not risk touching the curtains, starting a tell-tale movement that would prove to Amy he was not only home - a fact which was obvious by the open door - but aware of her presence on the porch. *** As the project continued, Alex faced another challenge—a coworker named Mark, who seemed determined to undermine his efforts. That's disgusting. I bet you didn't even know she had trouble sleeping. Below this, dominating the picture, nine swords crossed each other in an elaborate pattern. He would enter this confrontation more perplexed than perturbed, and Timothy would have the edge. For a few precious minutes, Alex stood there, lost in the contemplation of the gorilla and the tranquil beauty of the zoo. I want her to have a chance at a carefree summer. It's unfortunate. I'm a stock broker. He removed his hand from the partially open drawer, leaving the knife with its handle sticking out, the blade holding the cover of the book shut, allowing Vincent to open the drawer without any of the contents catching on the inside lip of the desk. Vincent reached up and pulled the bag off the shelf, toppling a glass bottle in the process. There's a bag of popcorn on the top shelf. Joel ignored their calls until the play was finished. I caught a few Giants games when I had the chance. Damn! he yelled to the inside of the truck. If I was going to eat out, I'd go somewhere back in town. Is there something on your mind? Alex hesitated for a moment, then decided to confide in her. The slide terminated with a low thump, and Tim craned his neck to see what the car had struck. Don't be like that. The door stuck when he pulled, but a few hard bangs against the frame loosened whatever bond had developed between wood and wood. Sounds like you've been busy. The three children were already next to the sign, waiting. Let's have some coffee, Alec suggested. The sun was setting on Sunday afternoon, drifting quietly behind the tall pines in the Alexander's back yard. We can't wait for her to help us out. Sarah went first, mounding rice and letting both the Kung Poa chicken and the Sweet and Sour pork mix together on her plate. The discussion continued for what felt like an eternity. It's food. He was a lot of fun. Across the room from the couch, on a small desk, sat Timothy's stereo system which consisted of two, eight inch high speakers, a tuner, and a portable CD player. Grunting with anger she tied the knot around her midsection then went down the hall to comfort another woman's child. The whispered question came too softly for anyone else to hear. She wore only men's boxer shorts and a thin white tee shirt. Alone, Vincent returned to bed. It was, for the most part, as he remembered it. A day of monotony lay before him. He was indebted to Sarah Todd for her honesty and insight. She sat on the inherited sofa reading in the half darkened room, only the light from the window to her left, shaded against any direct illumination, assisted her. He seems like nothing affects him at all. Vincent stood torn between knowledge and ignorance, fearing both, unable to muster the courage to confront his daughter, unable to help her through her pain. Perl the programming language. It's a powerful photo, the type that gets reprinted in papers all over the country. It seemed like a base proposition. One, a snapshot of Karen and himself at a party, he could remember with perfect clarity. I would have come out to California for you. She said yes, he owned a hardware store in town. A single step and he would be visible to the two women, but he could hear Rachel's voice. When his mother had seen Mark framed in the doorway, she had screamed, a terror for which he had no frame of reference or understanding, even until today. Alex, he began, we appreciate your dedication to the project, but we have some concerns that need addressing. Yes, there have been some disagreements, he admitted, choosing his words carefully. It was about a corrupt city politician. Timothy Scheaffer turned to face him, surprised at hearing his name, but he recognized Vincent at once and smiled in spite of his feelings. Mark and Alec watched her with some expectation, each wondering if she would accost Mark again and try to wrangle him away from Alec. *** The following day, Alex arrived at the office early, his mind a whirlwind of anticipation. Joel was what Vincent suspected him of being, and Sarah Alexander was a victim, forgiving, patient, mistreated. Vincent's face was hot now, and he was glad that the subdued lighting hid his reddening complexion. A moment passed, the edges of the batter hardening, the bottom cooking from pale to brown, then, through unseen heat and energy, the ring broke in a tiny fracture; batter spilled through forming a small companion to the original. Tense now, as if from too much caffeine, she finished shopping. He leaned close, but could not hear her breath. Amy said, I don't know. Those are all over the place and I figure that wherever I set down, I'll be real close to one. There was little or nothing to link the articles, and as far as Tim stretched his mind, he could not think of any way that they all could be related. Vincent stood from his cross-legged position on the floor, then opened the drawer of the pine desk. How do you explain that to a five year old girl? What do I say or do to make that child happy? There's no comfort in the death of your mother. He had several names which he would contact again, and added them all to his monthly mailing list. Physically, he was not an imposing person and he wore a pleasant enough face. It was from Mr. The curtains fell shut just as he pulled into the driveway. I'm gonna try to get a job as a waitress, like at a sports bar in the suburbs. They were outside, on her front lawn. It was a sunny Saturday morning when it all began, a day that seemed ordinary until an email from his childhood friend, Jenny, popp ed up in his inbox. Vincent is going to do the grilling. We've been through a lot, haven't we, darling? he said, though in the back of his mind he knew this was still wrong. Alec began erasing the whiteboard. After a time, there was an audible click as the VCR went from pause to stop, and then the sound once more blared from the television. Since February. She made eye contact with Mark and widened her eyes, some clumsy attempt at non-verbal communication that Mark simply did not have the capacity to process. What if she's too old? What if she can't do her job? We can get a new babysitter if you want, but we'll be trading one uncertainty for another. He took the glass of wine into the living room, setting it on the small table he had broken into earlier, and positioning himself on the floor at its base. He wondered about the morality of what he was about to say, but had no time to resolve the issue before speaking. What could they do? They can't make him be a parent. It's a three bedroom house, and that doesn't even count the room I use for the office downstairs. That's all I can handle for one evening. How's business? Deadpan, she said, Were terribly busy. It's actually Veronica. Joel shifted the weight from one hand to the other as they waited in line. Once inside, he decided to do what he always did when faced with an insurmountable challenge: procrastinate. I expected to be riding with some psycho. No one expects you to be perfect. In a fetal ball, Veronica cried herself to sleep. He sat, and the bed creaked beneath his weight. Drained, Vincent leaned against Tim's car. Voice crisp, Vincent spoke, Hi. Inside - through the sliding glass doors - the coolness of the air conditioning was like a shock against their skin. Both reclined to look up at the night sky, waiting for Joel to begin. Impossible, he thought, but did not speak. Finally I decided I would talk to her. It must have been spring break because three teenaged boys were swimming in the river. Karen's mind did not relax; her thoughts did not turn, and she remained unaware of the program which played itself to a slow death across her television screen. Two trees, about eight feet apart, caught the vehicle, one support the front, one the back, and Vincent felt his head pound against the door with the sudden halt. I guess I wasn't that hot at first, Vincent offered. He breathed, making an effort to look composed, any weakness and Jack Smitty Barnes would chew into him without mercy. Later, the phone rang, the sky darkened, doorbells chimed, and knocks could be heard at the door. The pressure of finding a paycheck weighed heavily upon her now. I try. It was a reminder that imposter syndrome, while formidable, could be conquered through perseverance, self-belief, and a commitment to personal growth. Tim did not move closer to read the title. Surely, if Karen were alive neither Vincent or Tim would have considered searching through the contents of the drawer, but now robbed of all say into the actions of those still alive, Karen was impotent to stop them, powerless even to defend herself against this last invasion. Vincent shrugged and continued, Seems idiotic to me, but what do I know, right? Sarah did not respond, she was doing math in her head, calculations she had done a hundred times on paper, the results preordained. He had given her a sheet of paper with his full name, address, and work and home phone numbers. No, I'm fine. Vincent reached for his toothbrush in the ceramic holder, but stopped, unsure if his was blue or green. It probably stuck with her all day, or at least the feeling stayed with her. But at least talk it over with Joel, see what he thinks. I stopped going to work in January. He opened his eyes just in time to see Amy above him, her fist descending in a violent blow to his chest. It was unfair for his friend to confuse his life in this way. Then, up the short flight of four stairs and through the wide entrance into the kitchen came Sarah Todd. Scrutinized long enough, that tiny window would have been obscured by drifting white clouds, but now, this instant, it endured in purity. She endured the touch as she endured Veronica's helpless cries. Quit rationalizing and admit it. That means it's fabricated, said Martha. It was a testament to his growth, both as a developer and as a per son. As the evening unfolded, Alex found himself reconnecting with old friends and classmates. I don't know, Tim said. I was late on Friday as well. Shortly before eight, Sarah entered the kitchen, her first act to dump the drink into the drain before preparing breakfast for herself and the children. But the woman in black had been openly friendly with him, even, he imagined at the time, openly flirtatious. Julie from HR was not as frightened as all that, and Mark could rationalize that the expression on her face was confusion, annoyance. Her androgynous youth reflected boyishness, but the funhouse mirror of puberty was warping her curves into womanhood. Let's just go on. Timothy only shrugged. I've tried to track you down a few times, but you're a hard man to find. It was a gold rush with the modern twist that the finding of gold was wholly unnecessary: the only requirement was that you convince enough people that you were smart enough to find gold. Did Mark and Bobby run ahead? She nodded. Vincent cringed. Maybe she had some beef with Amelia and was not yet ready to confront her. Every exit but this one. She did not want to give Tim any chance to ignore her. This was the area occupied by Vincent's bathroom. Her hunt revealed nothing. Imagining this, Vincent felt a vague sense of betrayal. I worry that I'll let the team down. Had there been some course of action left available for Vincent to follow, he would have been forced to continue, but now that all paths had been explored, all leads exhausted, Vincent could relax and wait. Sarah's brow furrowed as she examined the code on her screen. ? Amy asked. She looked at him with a friendly smile, but the door remained open behind her and one long-fingered hand rested still on the dashboard, as if calculating the safety of the ride. So what have you been up to, Vince? Other than building your own furniture of course? Tim asked. Joel released the dog, pushing him away from his arm, then stood erect to face the woman who approached. Good morning, Vincent said, hating the phrase. I didn't call them. Standing before the rows of Jazz cd's, Tim touched none of them, merely glancing with indifference at the titles and the covers of the ones that could be seen. Still grinning, Vincent sat down at his desk, then called up the first contact name on his list. No one looked in their direction, or acknowledged them at all. It was nothing to come home to, no welcome embrace. Nice to meet you Vincent. The sky had become almost completely dark; mosquitoes began to bite the two men mercilessly. Vincent pressed his hand to the cool glass. Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. Even the fast food wrapper had blown away. Vincent did not know at first to what she was referring, but said, No. A wife and two kids back home, during his frequent business trips to South Carolina he was dating a teenaged girl. Thanks, Mrs. Has he ever cheated on you before? No, she said quickly. Where's my daughter? he asked. Yeah, he said. It would dissipate at the sight of Rachel Arthur. That's because I've never had the big year. That's just the popcorn. But before she could say another word the door behind her opened and Alec Rea walked through. It was Amy Ware. Then removed it from his reach with all the firm authority of a parent removing a plaything from a toddler. And people still drive that far to get a dollar off their hammer, Joel said. Vincent shook his head, saying, You assume too much. Sorry, I'm kind of held up here at the office, he lied. All her weight was on one hand as the other scooped the last portion of dirt from a hole only dug moments ago. Vincent and child walked past the crying Rachel. He squinted, pulling the frame closer. Unconvinced, Vincent said, Proves nothing. But now, you're a different person. Doesn't matter. Vincent laughed, Well why are you going there? Oh, she said, comprehending, I hope to get a job. His wife came into the den, waking Veronica with a gentle touch. Bobby and Mark soon followed, by comparison less impressed and careful than their cousin. Vincent, his back to the group, bent over the grill listening to the his of propane. I'm hungry. When is she leaving? Saturday. Vincent also reflected on his words, somewhat saddened that what had once been his religion now only amounted to an absurd bedtime story for his child. The job would have to come quickly, and once she was working - with luck full time - she would have to begin to save. I don't know Vincent. He had become a sponge, absorbing knowledge and expertise from his colleague s, especially Sarah, whose guidance proved invaluable. My code was solid, but it took everyone else a day to understand my logic and I could never explain it. She poured soy sauce over the heap, liberally soaking her rice into a dark stained mass then allowing the liquid to coat her egg roll. He wanted to persuade her instead. He left the newspaper articles on the floor next to the other contents of the drawer, and, returning to the kitchen, placed the pizza into the oven. Meetings with Mr. I'll call you in August. You tell me so many things. Was your wife ever a victim of a violent crime? he asked. In Danville, with your aunt and uncle, you'll have a chance to enjoy the summer. I don't believe I've ever told a moral story in my life. Do you feel your job is in jeopardy? Joel asked. Why don't you go sit with Veronica? he suggested. There seemed to be no air for her to breathe. Which, surprisingly, he did. All three kept close to the shallow water on the far bank, their cries and screams tinny after their journey to the picnic. And don't do anything stupid like apologize to him. He could not call the moment into recollection, but knew with photographic certainty it had taken place. Joel and I are glad we have a chance to see you. It seemed he was destined to look like an asshole. He felt relieved. The engine of the car still ran, idling unevenly, and the boy now stood in the glare of the headlights. They swam where the water was at its widest, the current slow and manageable. Did I oversleep? No, said Joel. It was late afternoon, and even though the blinds were shut over the windows, thin rays of red sunlight pushed their way through the slits, streaking across the carpeted floor and halfway up the wall. As if they knew he was eavesdropping, the conversation's tones lowered until only the faintest sound could be heard, and even that was soon overshadowed by Veronica, crying in the den. She agreed and they looked over the menu together before Vincent made the phone call to the restaurant. He sat on the edge of her bed, a soft lamp glowing from across the room. We'll eat and then decide where you want to go or what you want to do. When the battery died it would be solid black, and only gravity would tell Vincent in which direction lay the road. Tim looked around for Amy. Amy poured herself a small glass of orange juice from a pitcher on the counter. The VCR played one of her favorite episodes of a cartoon, Vincent could not name the title, nor did he recognize any of the characters, but each scene was fraught with familiarity. Alex and Sarah, their cheeks flushed with both surprise and affection, shared a sheepish smile before returning to the camaraderie of their collea gues. Resolved to make the ride pleasant, Vincent drifted into banal conversation. I keep waiting for Joel and Sarah to get sick of us, but it hasn't happened yet. His own child stood out, unique, but only amid a crowd of identicals. Save a small lamp on the oak table in the corner, the den was illuminated only by the television, and she sat within a few feet of the screen. I think we've met. When it ended I got mad. In the kitchen, he began the tedious task of making a pot of coffee, losing count of the scoops and having to guess at the last. Rachel Arthur was still down there. When he returned to the kitchen, Sarah had pulled two plates from the cupboards and also found forks and disposable napkins for their meal. This article is dated May second, Tim said. So you give up? No. This, along with his concealment of the event, would be enough to incur his wife's wrath. I'll take the notebook, Tim said. Alex, I always saw great potential in you. It was just before one o'clock on a Tuesday, so the store was not crowded. Head down, enmeshed in politics and murder and vague weather predictions, Joel failed to notice that Vincent had entered the room. So what's in Atlanta? he asked. And she never mentioned cutting them out? No. To me, that's a morbid streak. He chuckled at the youthful dreams and ambitions he had penned there, feeling a strange mixture of nostalgia and embarrassment. It was titled Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: The Power of Perspective. He chose the green, and agitated the paste to an airy foam within his mouth. We need– Do you smell smoke? My popcorn! Amelia cried from the doorway. Tim shrugged, unconcerned. Alec began drawing again, a fourth rectangle, smaller than the other three and awkwardly wedged between the last two in the schematic. It was obviously a clipping from the front page. What was that about? I don't know. You refuse to see any other side of this. Vincent cursed and brought his fist down upon the steering wheel. Finally, each had finished eating. Amy moved close enough that she feared her very breath would bring down his house of cards. He must be mistaken. The data now flowed seamlessly through the algorithm, producing the expected results. Beautiful, said Jack. Chapter 8 marked a turning point in Alex's journey, a testament to his growth as a software developer and a leader. Trees - their trunks irregular pillars scattered indiscriminately with no regard for hill or plain - surrounded and defined the landscape, closed off the sun, lowered the temperature, and, one by one, muted sounds, which became lost between roots and leaves, trunks and branches. I see your point -- No you don't, she said. Her tiny face was angled much like her mother's, and she had, at least now, similar hair. The led indicator glowed red. I'll light the grill. A housewife sighed heavily. It was a reminder that imposter syndrome, though a formidable adversary, could be conquered with determination, mentorship, and a steadfast belief in one's abilities. How's work going. I think that one perplexes me the most, Vincent said. After a few months people started complaining that they couldn't read the e-mail I was sending. Vincent again turned his attention out the passenger window, hoping that Joel would follow suit and remain silent until they had arrived at their destination, now no more than a few minutes away. Oh, yeah, she said, and Joel nodded in agreement. I was just about to start the seventh story when you knocked, he said. Vincent thought he must look the same way. Amy stopped by her two employees, who continued to stare at each other, the man having moved his face almost imperceptibly away from the girl's. She would have preferred to take a few more days off of work to rededicate herself to Veronica, laying all doubts to rest about the welfare of her only child. He knew there would be little sleep tonight. Some are interesting. Yet he could not speak. Precisely ten minutes later, the squall came again. Strait, perfect hair framed her face. They could go to the lobby, up one floor to Human Resources, or back to the 19th floor where they started from, but not to engineering on the 18th floor. Good morning. Good morning. It would be difficult to walk against that kind of pain, and maybe impossible to get out of the truck. He may just not know how. Don't take this the wrong way,Joel said, but given the way you look, I find it hard to believe that Sarah would do that. At home, she packed the picnic basket quickly and set out to meet Christine at the park. We should catch up to them. Nevermind. Her arms impotently splashed one after the other into the water, keeping her afloat, but scarcely moving her forward. Vincent looked at the window to his left. Vincent hoped the restaurant would be open. She was at home with Amy, whom she had accepted as a friend, not linking her arrival with the death of her mother, but Vincent would forever join the two women with that event. Let's go, Joel said to Vincent. That's fine. Fine, Vincent said, resigned to misunderstanding, but why didn't you call when you came back? You knew where I lived. This was his fear. Not very well, he answered. By the time they arrived, Joel had lit the first one, sending it hissing with inconsistent sparks and flame. Twenty-four cubicles occupied the room, divided into quadrants of six cubes, split down the middle, and split again crosswise by the unfaded green. And beer. Fehr, are the only source of stability in her life. That was our plan from the beginning and I don't have any desire to change it. Joel, do you remember when I told you about seeing that professor kissing his student on campus. It did not exist. I haven't done any of my onboarding paperwork. I think we can take it. The doorway opened on the far end of the wall, so the room spread out before Vincent ahead and to his left. Veronica was in the den, sitting cross-legged on the floor. You've done a good job. He cleaned the remaining traces of food out of the sink with wet sponge, then turned on the garbage disposal, letting it run until the sound told him it was empty, clear of all remnants of food. He dropped the book roughly on the floor next to the knife. Hey there, big guy, he whispered, knowing the gorilla couldn't hear him. What? Amy asked, her voice hissing with accusation. I have to leave now, he said with the unspoken thought that if he did not walk out the door in the next minute, he could never leave again. Does that not amount to anything? But you were there. He looked at her shoes, then cautiously back at her wrinkled face, black against the light behind her. He realized that he had a deeper understanding of the project than anyone else in the room. The cards were stacked, now, and Vincent, looking at his watch, realized he needed to leave. He resumed clearing the dishes from the table. I was pleasantly surprised. She'll end up on the streets. Once inside, Alex began, I overheard your conversation earlier, and I want to address your concerns. I guess I'm glad to be back. It would have been more fun if you came, Veronica said. Vincent imagined a tight cluster of these stores, jockeying for customers, selling out their stock on this one day, then starting anew in the morning. I know that was wrong. Her money was fixed and there was no room for daily taxis or the wasteful luxury of her own car. She needs to go to a place without pain and tragedy staring her in the face each morning. A while? Vincent asked, angry now, but not letting it show. It was stuck closed, forcing Vincent to escape through the broken window. Parking the car next to the office door Vincent said, Do you want me to come in with you? No, Sarah answered. Back in your seat, honey, he said. There were pictures in there as well. The sound was gone moments after that, but it was all Vincent needed. At first it mingled with the hum of the air conditioner, but soon the word daddy pierced through the noise. ' She tried to squirm out of it, but I was all sugary sweet and made it really awkward for her, so she gave in. What the hell happened to you out there? I got too involved. Vincent wondered if it was possible to make it back to the road, or had he fallen to far. He adjusted the flame down to a medium level and closed the lid to allow the surface to heat. How long is she staying? Until school starts in the fall. What saved Dr. Alec pointed a dry erase marker at him and said, You get it! His enthusiasm had fully returned now, and Alec began drawing on the whiteboard. The girl put her arms around her father, her limbs feeling no more substantial than jointed broomsticks resting on his back. Why would that Amelia Schuyler be the receptionist for RealPlants. I've supported you, but this is too much. Let's hurry, Veronica. Its imperative for you to understand that, at this very moment, you are losing your shit. His dream self would be afraid that she had hurt herself climbing out of the crib, or just panicked by the unnatural precociousness of the act, but he would always awake secure in the knowledge that Veronica was safe in her crib, unharmed, unmoved. The room went silent. I never would have guessed. Excuse me? said Joel. Frustration threatened to take hold, but Alex knew that giving in to it would only hinder their progress. Mingling is good for creativity. The team's collaboration had improved, and they were making steady progress, but not everyone was pleased with Alex's ascent to project lead. If she had been one of the neighbor's children, I would have steered the car into a tree before striking the child. Amazing after last year, Tim said. Karen was large with the burden inside of her, but had still remained fit, not giving in to excessive appetite or needless inactivity. She did not want to be late for her picnic with Christine. Vincent, she said, just loud enough to bring him back from the edge of sleep. Vincent was unable to recollect who gave them this desk, or when it was delivered to them. It could just be run down. He dug out his old yearbook, filled with awkward photos and scribbled notes from friends. She sat down on the edge of the bed, facing her husband as he finished dressing, tracing the patterns of their bedspread with her fingers. I knew you had the intelligence and determination to achieve whatever you set your mind to. How old is she? Eight? Nine? Veronica's five. You know, there are some brokers who arrive early and stay late just to impress the old bastard. Immediately, Vincent sat down at the table and began to eat. At one point, they watched most of a Charlie Brown feature, and Vincent recalled the hopelessness and despair he felt as its credits had rolled. She started to put her head on the pillow. He was out, on the road, on a business trip, away from wife and little babies. We both do. Though he had never met him before, Mark recognized at once the founder and CEO of RealPlants. The road also held a small child. So what's your plan? he said between bites. He could only drive, probing farther into the darkened hole, praying for the end, fearing its arrival. Come on in, Vincent invited. If you could have seen how happy she was. Karen removed her shoes and waded out into the river. He continued, Talk to Veronica. In January I quit my job at ArcTek. It's so good to see you, Vincent, she said. Thornton leading up to? Mr. , he said. He's a good looking man, Sarah said. Thornton said, his voice laced with seriousness, we've been reviewing your project, and we have some concerns. Vincent made the decision to pick up this hitchhiker, knowing the conversation, the companionship, and probably the smell of this man, would contribute to killing the time he had before him. Though I don't know where that got me. Tell Vincent to look me up, and we'll all get together sometime. And I don't live in midtown. It's July Fourth, Vincent, he said. Vincent followed, after opening the trunk of his car to remove his own bags. It's doing the old business in a new way and it's not that revolutionary. Run along, Veronica, and let me finish with Stacy so she can go, Vincent said. Joel went off to one side of the lawn, instructing the children to stay well clear. Vincent and his truck were noisily swallowed by the darkness which bordered the road. Under the A heading, Vincent found folders containing with information pertinent to their vacuum cleaner and garage door opener. Arrangements were made without his effort. So what? It could have rabies, Vincent said. No, Vincent said, laughing. Veronica, for her part, could do nothing. When Vincent took his parking spot in a pay lot across the street from the red brick building of Cornwell Baker he was twelve minutes late. You're not a. She's crying, Vincent, Amy said. She turned her attention back to Vincent, scrutinizing him in a similar manner. The motel guarded by this bravely hollow suit of armor was only slightly less dilapidated. I didn't know exactly what part of town I'd make it to. Is this why I haven't been able to get in touch with you? Vincent asked. She'll grow out of it soon. No, I understand that, but . Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It must have come at a time when he was out of town or out of the house. The last of daylight had faded when Vincent and Veronica were in the car and headed down the mountain. We didn't have a chance to meet at your interview, Mark. Thanks, sweetie, she said. And you don't recall reading this? No. He and Tim had been on good terms and Tim just disappeared. How was the couch last night? Not very comfortable. As he hurried through the bustling streets, headphones tucked securely in his ears, he tried to drown out the persistent voices in his head. Worse. Her ankles, he thought. Oh my God, he said, with a sharp draw of breath. She pulled up the lid, then reached in for a backpack. Go easy on that Scotch, Vinny, Sarah chided. [three] Vincent waited. I abbreviated too much, or used acronyms. He wondered if she would grow up to tell the same tales, preposterous to a critical mind. Listen to me. Couldn't you adjust? I guess not, Timothy said. He knew he was close. I walked out about ten days ago and haven't talked to him since. After all, she should have been there to see that he had not left the scene, and though he was to blame for not stopping sooner, Veronica should never have been in the road to begin with, and that was fully the responsibility of Rachel Arthur. Using a pair of plastic forks held like tongs, Amelia pulled the popcorn bag from the microwave and held it in front of her, still smoldering, still producing smoke and one last muffled pop. A good time for sparklers, he decided. She continued, Well, I've talked it over with Joel, and he agreed to let Veronica stay with us for the summer. Black Bart's, Vincent read aloud from the makeshift sign. Another executive chimed in, We're concerned about the timeline. Was Karen very political? Did you guys talk about elections a lot? We didn't talk about it much, but as with all things, she had very definite opinions. Sorry, Tim said. Sorry, Tim said. He was no longer plagued by imposter syndrome. As he entered the office, Alex's steps were more assured than the previous day. Vincent looked to Joel, who shook his head and mouthed the word, no. Vincent longed for a magazine to read, a distraction that would permit him to socially remain silent, without appearing to be rude or uncivil. He began to imagine that: standing over Veronica's grave, dirt piled high on top of her diminutive body, now just meat left to rot below the ground. Vincent stared at the view before him. You brought me into your life, she said. Vincent and Karen had just moved into their first home the month before; he could remember that much. Vincent took the opportunity to leave for the bathroom. The I just give up and sit down on the couch waiting for the police to pull into the driveway. Imposter Syndrome whispered in his ear, relentless i n its pursuit. He told himself that there would be many years to discuss such issues, that all would be satisfactorily resolved in time, yet knew that this was just a lie. Yeah, Tim answered. Their laughter and easy conversation had become a familiar comfort, and a shared understanding had grown between them. I can't make it, he said to the darkness. Remember, I'll be home early tomorrow so you won't have to sit for me again until fall. I want it to fall. You're making too many assumptions. It's up to you, he said. He could not remember what they wore, or what it felt like, or even if it had rained. What are you and Vincent thinking? asked Christine. The office, the cubicles, the distractions which surrounded Vincent had no effect on his concentration. Were you serious? What did he say? I wasn't serious. Was it understood that he was a new employee and that he was expected this morning? Was there someone else he should have called or contacted? Was he already fucking this up? At first, there had been a steady stream of foot traffic through the lobby, all apparently employees of RealPlants. But I don't know if I love her, Vincent pleaded. Give me a chance. I made a mistake. The hydraulic piston hissed when Vincent pulled the door towards him, but no other sound could be heard. He had come so far, but was he truly ready for such a responsibility? After a moment of silence, he met Mr. Give me a minute to call home, he said. He remembered feeling inadequate, comparing hi mself to his classmates who seemed to have it all figured out. It was to no avail, for when Joel cracked the door, his reluctant guest was still asleep, eyes shut fast. Then, way across the parking lot, his wife stands up out of her car. Vincent spoke again, and this time he thought he heard a mumbled response, but she did not rise. Where did you say we were going today? There's a park with some trails on the other side of town. Involuntarily, she released the black-haired drowning boy. Smitty had no right to do this. You're wrong. A few hours? A day? He sighed, feeling accused. I'm worried, Tim said, that he's not going to pick her up in the fall. Oddly, the whole affair left Vincent with a tidy sense of closure. At the exit to his subdivision, waiting at the stoplight, Amy pounded on her steering wheel in anger. What do you want? I don't know. I have to go, Vincent said. I come by and you're not here. How's work going? Tim shrugged, It fills in the time. The scene, a semi-dark workshop with sawdust and small bits of cut wood littering the floor, depressed Tim. Come on, gang, he said, taking Veronica by the hand. We're wasting time just standing here. We can talk about it. It was a chance to unwind, strengthen bonds, and engage in some good-natured competition. Remember she's smaller than you. The relationship was on hold in the initial stages of seduction, when daddy saw the two of them together. Vincent followed behind his friend. A ten foot tall, two-sided placard advertised the construction company that would be building on this site, but failed to reveal the identity of the finished product. You know that overpriced Italian place in Buckhead? Marichello's? That's the one. This is what you were trying to tell me before, Mark said, as much to himself as anyone else. He knew that the challenges they faced were formidable, but he also knew that his team had the skills and the tenacity to overcome them. On top of several bills and a flyer advertising the grand opening of a drug store, lay a letter addressed by hand in Vincent's writing. Anyway, when he waved good-bye to me, he was holding his keys in the palm of his hand - he was only a few feet from his car - and I saw a ring attached to his key chain. Some had aged gracefully, while othe rs seemed frozen in time. I might even leave him. Under the spray of water, Amy's silhouetted form took on a new appearance. Vincent knew what she wanted: he had left the relationship at a loose end, with her walking out and him never calling, never putting forth the small effort to reconcile what had gone astray. Who was that, mommy? Just a man your father used to work with, Karen answered. As he passed by, Tim noticed what appeared to be a fine coating of sawdust which adhered to the hairs of Vincent's arm. With his passenger asleep behind him, Vincent was left in the same situation as before: without conversation or companionship, at the risk of falling to sleep at the wheel, but Sarah's presence excited him and no rest would be possible with her so close. Bobby and Mark sped their pace to a run, charging through the trees carelessly, letting gravity carry them down the hill into the grass buffer zone next to the parking lot. Good, Joel said. It read, Alex, can you meet me in my office in 30 minutes? Alex's heart skipped a beat. Silence lengthened between them, until Joel entered the room. Outside Atlanta, the interstate was flat and straight, but grew more featured and varied as he approached the state line. She said she turned back to the house to look for Andi and then she heard the sound of a car sliding out of control. Of course you know what's in her best interest, Amy said. If we find a small town, then there's got to be some kind of restaurant. Hello, dear, she greeted him. He knew that deluding himself in this manner only delayed the inevitable healing, the slow numbing until his wife's name was no more than a twinge in his mind, calling forth no pain, no suffering. A salty taste entered his mouth and he began to salivate uncontrollably. It's the main reason we shop here. Garcia's office, came the voice. Vincent added the spaghetti noodles, then took a seat at the table with Amy and his daughter. Good, she responded and that was all. It was a reminder of the natural confidence and self-assuredness that animals possessed, free from the burdens of doubt and insecurity that plagued humans. Do they think people are stealing supplies from the toilet? No, they tell us that's to prevent homosexuality. The once pale skin around her eyes was red, swollen; her face glistened, cheeks and neck wet. Why don't I come over and take a look at them? Maybe I'll see something you missed. Taking a quick breath, as if he were about to dive under water, Vincent walked into the path of the headlights, leaving a wide berth around the tire and the corpse which lay pinned beneath. It began to feel to him that this was inappropriate, an ignominious end to a wonderful woman's life. They take calls from customers. She smiled, and they drove together in silence, holding hands until they reached the restaurant. I'm still expected to put up good numbers. Only a furtive motion with her eyes towards Vincent even acknowledged his presence. New candles were brought to replace and in addition to the ones which burned closer to their end, and new bugs arrived with the dusk. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from just saying, ÔLook, woman, I've been fucking you're husband for so long now he should be paying me alimony. Let's go make the burgers, Martha said, standing. Still, Tim waited for close to half an hour before turning the radio back on, or even really moving. It was a subculture, each of these artists famous in their own way, important to their fans, maybe even celebrities with paparazzi swimming in their wake through certain parts of the world, but for Timothy Scheaffer, the faces, the names were unfamiliar. They were all too preoccupied to understand the influence they had, and the changes they wrought. How do you feel about taking on a more senior role in the company? Alex was taken aback by the offer. I was silly. One of the trails has a good view of a waterfall at the end. It would be good for you to get away. Throughout the following weeks, Alex continued to work diligently on the project. Vincent stifled his sigh of relief, but felt the weight of stress lifting from his shoulders. Won't your customers be upset? He shrugged, the embrace had ended. That's fine, she said. He did not know how to continue. What are you having so I'll know what wine to order? Veal Parmesan, he announced. Looks like only beer and milk, he said, and the milk may be old. There was a quality to Vincent's voice which startled Tim: a sadness he had not encountered before, and Tim understood that his friend suffered through these decisions, suffered and second guessed himself, still making them wrong, still choosing the path that would be the most destructive to what was left of his family. You have to accept your responsibility as a father. He remembered now, and walked through the white-walled halls, down the darkened stairs. Above him, close but invisible in the night, a dog barked. Amy, hi, it's Vince. He swallowed hard and looked away from her green eyes, instantly regretting his arrival. What did you do wrong? Tim asked. Joel made a scoffing noise. It was maddening. She wanted to lecture, but saw the impasse they had reached. Vincent sat on the couch. Not noticing his friend's comment, Vincent stood, placing his beer on the coffee table and walking toward the kitchen. They ate in relative silence, Vincent still unsure how to talk to a five year old girl, and Veronica absorbed in her episode of the X-Men. It was completely assembled except for top board, and of course, there was still much sanding and finishing to be done. It should be fine. If you stay here, you'll just be stuck in day care. We should probably catch up with them. Then, partially to prevent a response, he leaned close to Veronica and put his arms around the child in an embrace. On green she drove away still fighting tears. The canvas remained wrapped around his wrist, until with a violent backswing, Vincent freed his arm and hurled the mauled painting against the wall. Let's move on, Vincent said. Sarah awoke. In the few minutes they had been together, all energy and enthusiasm had drained from Alec. Unless you've shipped her away already. At the fifth call, Vincent stopped. What do you mean? If you and Joey are good friends, we may just want to skip this topic. She made an Ooo noise, as if he had just completed some circus trick. The July heat, even in the cooler altitude of the mountains, was oppressive, and the humidity left Vincent short of breath. His hands touched on the cold rims; he straightened and put them on his face. No, you'd have to rely on your assistant to run the store until you could, and if he proved unreliable, or suddenly untrustworthy, then you would have to step in and take charge. Inside, Amy was with a customer, an older man buying boxed sets, so Vincent retired to the rear of the store, flipping through compact disks he would never buy. Your rent would be free From the expression on her face the offer was clearly tempting, but still there were deep reservations. This question was empty for Sarah. the delusion left him, and he was alone in the forest with a stranger. Joel started the gas pumping, then leaned against the side of the truck to wait, but Vincent walked straight to the small building which housed the three repair bays and a cramped office space. The suit, though elevated by the pedestal, stood no higher than eight feet tall, was painted a deep, forest green. But no dawn could save her from this encounter because it was one of her own choosing. As the days turned into weeks and the project moved closer to completion, Alex continued to lead with confidence and determination. They meant to hire someone else, someone with different skills, someone to do a different job. Together, they heard the front door push softly open, and someone entered. No, daddy. Veronica was awake and doubtlessly afraid, a scenario which had been played out to various conclusions countless times in the six weeks since his wife's death. Can you not see? No. Jack called for Joel, who still played ball with the children. Then he noticed the smell from the oven. He let his voice trail off, hoping she would say something, but she too was at a loss. A horn from the driver behind signaled to Vincent that the light had changed. What do you think of our humble hamlet? Jack asked. Vincent could think of no follow up question, no way to keep the conversation alive, so the silence returned, neither speaking until Joel began to sing quietly. No. The water on the stove began to bubble slightly on the bottom of the pot, tiny beads of air forming against steel. Uncertainty loomed, a black thunder cloud darkening each and every moment in the helpless child's future. Sure. Timothy's beaten car, a gray Plymouth Valiant, turned right into a crumbling driveway, and Vincent, getting a good look at the buildings in this complex, felt sad for his friend. But this amounted to further isolation. She held it up for a moment, then lowered her arm to the ground. E-commerce is just commerce, brick and mortar or B2B, it's buying and selling, and that's one vertical we're focused on, laser focused– Here Alec paused. Y'know, Sarah said, abruptly reopening the conversation after several minutes of silence, I met Sarah. Really, she said. There's a code snippet that might help us. *** Meanwhile, the project faced technical challenges that pushed the team's coding skills to their limits. Her vision, in the eye that was still open, turned pink and began to fade. , she wasn't hit, he said. [two] Good morning, she said cheerfully. Then I'm honored. And, Amy continued, I also did not know that you had a five year old daughter at home. Vincent approached and saw next to the easel a group of canvases leaning against each other back-to-face like a deck of oversized playing cards. A nice guy. Yeah? Is it illegal? Of course, Sarah answered, amazed by his ignorance of the law. Sarah's eyes were no longer drooping with tiredness, but they were not alert or fully awake as well. We're not close. Forget I mentioned it. Now, the emotions were sharp. She did nothing. Her dislike for him was apparent and she seemed to be in no desperate need for money. Vincent responded with sarcasm, Thanks. Vincent said nothing, but suddenly, again, he had no appetite. Steps away from the door, the receptionist appeared from seemingly out of nowhere, and blocked their path. She had not quite forgiven him for lying to her before, but had not quit on him either. Why did I not stop? he thought. Skeptical at first, Vincent was quick to adjust. He would not reanalyze this decision. He swiped his badge against the card reader in the elevator, it glowed green, but when he pressed the button for engineering on the 18th floor, the light flashed then went dark. He can't help but babble when left alone with someone. I've got to look upbeat and energetic. He took the chair across from her, and, seated, reached out to support her with his touch, but she failed to notice, thinking in her own world, indifferent now to his caring. It doesn't make it any easier. Oddly, they had never discussed how many children they would have, or at least, Vincent could never recall having done so. and found the right channel. I may believe she knew about him cheating, but I don't buy into that scene you just described, Sarah said. Determined to address the issue professionally, Alex scheduled a meeting with Mark to discuss the code changes. Moreau' had no concept of her husband's cheating. He left the door ajar, and walked to the stairs. It's not normal for a child to go through this. She had half turned away from the whiteboard, but now she returned her attention to it. So you're saying you can tell if I guy is married just by the way he looks at your waist? They don't always look there, Sarah answered. They watched T. He set it on the bed and opened the latch to reveal a loose stack of papers. It lets her know you loved your wife. The tears and blood had dried, there was nothing for him left to do. That's what I keep telling myself, Vincent said, but my mind's just not in it. But there has to be more than just one incident. Let's go. I'm not strong enough to grieve alone. Vincent doubted that anyone in this town, or even within fifty miles of this town, could be interesting. They embraced. Let's put it on the crust. Their conversation continued, with Alex addressing their concerns and seeking ways to foster a more inclusive and collaborative environment within the team. You need anything? Alec asked. Vincent thought, all women should look like this. Instead, she took a bag of microwave popcorn from the cupboard, unwrapped the cellophane, and placed the bag in one of the microwaves. Would you like some Coke, Veronica? he asked. Concentrating on the drive, Vincent continued toward home. When it goes out, the oven will be hot. As good a place as any for you to get started, but come on inside. I didn't talk to either of them. Timothy had added a square wooden table, and rearranged some of the other furniture, most notably a green upholstered chair, to make room for the addition. With the sun shining brightly, it looked very warm to Vincent, but the kids all wore long sleeve shirts, and only Mark, the oldest son of Sarah and Joel, had on shorts. The meeting continued, and Alex was determined to rise to the occasion, to confront his imposter syndrome and prove that he belonged. When Sarah's dead, call me and we'll talk, but until then, take your condescension and shove it up your red-neck ass. com. com. Make an effort, Joel. He would have remembered its arrival if nothing else. I don't know, said Tim, transfixed. You wait until he's half asleep, then drop a bomb into his lap. He's right, Vincent, Sarah said. With each line they rewrote, Alex's understanding of the problem deepened. With Sarah Todd out of the corner of his eye this would be a journey he could enjoy. He came back in town about a month later. I'm sorry, Karen said, startling him with her presence and her voice. But this is my third school. It got worse. Beer's fine, said Sarah. For days, the feeling that she could still influence Vincent remained; it would not be until his car pulled out of the driveway that Saturday that she would truly understand her cause was a lost one. He knew little about such things. It was a bittersweet moment, as he knew that the imposter syndrome would still be there, lurking in the shadows, but he was now armed with the knowledge that he could face it head-on and emerge victorious. My mind, all my thoughts, were consumed by work. Vincent did not understand why. In fact, the pressure is much worse for you than it is for me. He held her hand, saying, Listen to me, Veronica. Alex had to confront painful memories and acknowledge the negative self-beliefs that had held him back for so long. Ten precious feet later he came to a stop. No strength, no comfort, could be drawn from the embrace, for in just a moment his grief would no longer be private. Alex, I have some serious concerns about the direction this project is taking. The truth is, I'm a burden to her. He knew that dealing with office politics was a part of his role as project lead, and he was determined to nav igate it with integrity. There's been an accident, Veronica. Never mind. The old woman wanted forgiveness and a chance at redemption. No reports, no customer calls, nothing. Moreau - slept with one if not more of his younger female students. He looked away from her and pretended he didn't see. I don't think you have that kind of access to her. The pain is ongoing. It rang eight times, then Vincent hung up and tried again, taking care not to mis-dial. What an asshole, Joel said, under his breath, already turning the truck around. A particular colleague, Sarah, caught his eye. The Alexander's had an expansive back yard, bordered at the far end by woods on a steeply sloping hill. The register sounded a discordant warning, but the girl refused to notice, obstinately moving to the next item. Downstairs, the den was decorated unlike any other room in the house. Why did you do that? Karen shrugged. She walked to an orange 1968 Ford Mustang convertible parked two cars down past Tim's. Time passed in a blur, and Alex's anxiety grew. You have to come to. A hill sloped down to a wooden observation deck, with benches and a chest high railing. She was a big hit at all the staff parties, buxom, socially skilled, liked to listen much more than talk. As the weeks went by, Alex continued to collaborate with Mark, seeking common ground and striving to maintain a respectful working relationship. Give her a few years. Mindlessly, he resumed his climb. I know, Timothy said. He felt no more at home now than he had on the first time they had dined together. She could be lonely and unhappy and never be able to tell us. I know I don't seem like much of a friend, but that's never how I intended it. Come on, Vincent said, we can talk in the kitchen. Sitting at the kitchen table, he dialed her number. Hello, Sarah. They're having a good year, Vincent said. Are you set to go? I just need my shoes. Alex, I'm so glad you could make it! she exclaimed. Vincent imagined this recklessness was the result of years of familiarity, wearing dull any sense of caution or respect for the dangers around. Vincent went into the house, locking the front door behind him. I can't even remember the excuse I used at this point, but I'm sure it was weak. Put this thing in gear. Don't you have anything to eat here? Vincent asked. Don't worry, said Joel with sarcasm, there's no way I'm going to forget what a prick Vincent is. Do? she returned. I know what you were doing. Quietly he said, I'll be fine, mom. com were fake and no one had ever ordered or received a plant? Mark crossed to the other side of the receptionist's desk and sat down in her chair. It was nice to meet you, Vincent said. I don't mean this the wrong way, Vincent, but I doubt if the rent would be free. Vincent remembered this from previous trips to the Alexander's house. Under the clock, on a pine table made by a friend of the Karen's -- an older man whose name Vincent could never recall, even when he met the man in person -- there sat a framed picture of his wife. So, I was saying. He turned the knob the 450 degrees. Nice to meet you, Vincent said. She lay curled up under a dark brown blanket, the room lighted only from the hallway behind, Vincent decided not to turn on the lamp. Help her to adjust to life with just one parent, instead of forcing her into a life with no parents at all. It's a grind. He was holding her hand, and leaning in very close while he talked. Just a little boring. It's a more important nutrient than you might think. He tried to gloss over his feelings with idle conversation, to hide behind a continuous chatter, but the awkwardness of the situation kept him silent for too much of the time. His efforts were successful, but not without chipping away some of the finish on the desk. Of course not, Sarah continued. I don't. I don't. Imposter syndrome doesn't completely vanish. He picked the white phone up off of the coffee table, startled to see that the buttons were numberless. No excitement or energy accompanied this knowledge, but he turned his head to listen, hoping to hear some confirmation. She grunted in frustration as she slammed the door to her car, walking away from it in long hurried strides. I'll be afraid to leave her with Rachel tomorrow. Let's gather the team and have a meeting. No thanks, he said, wondering if he should broach the subject of Tim, given that she was at work and had already said how busy they were. The friends he had found, the woman he had - briefly - loved, we go in a group, or in pairs. At his cubicle in the very last row Vincent put down his briefcase and powered up his computer. Vincent turned off the radio, took another drink, swallowing the liquid this time, then got out of the car. Guess I'll have to sit out. I built them when I was a kid, and they never looked anything like that. Dark wood paneling and a wall length bookcase dominated the room, providing a cave-like appearance. Why not? You never drink wine. Vincent looked back to the sky in time to see the final celebratory blast before darkness. The apartment was a single room which served as both den and bedroom; a section of the floor covered in linoleum passed for a kitchen. Thank you, Vincent said. In this case, it was the right move. Turning to look, Vincent shook his head with disapproval. What do we have to lose? Time. He did not want Joel to be bitter and resentful for the next three hours. She held her daughter's hand as they walked to the car. Did your car break down or something? Tim asked. This is interesting, Tim said. I don't know it. I am as alone now, thought Vincent, as I have ever been in my life. I run a record store, not a funeral home. Finally she gave in to the limits of her intelligence, underlining the words with a blue pen, scoring a deep groove in the pulp, and then set down the book. He could not read the sign, or course, but the shape of the pole - thick wood instead of perferorated steel - and the heavy, moon-shaped bush at its base indicated that this was his destination. They both said goodnight, and watched him twist his way up the spiral stairs, feet thumping against the carpet, back straight. Late night? he asked. All right, guys, Sarah said. We poured out the coffee, but there's juice in the fridge, and we can make eggs or bacon if you want. Vincent looked for a way around, but he would have to wait; there was no passage at this time. It was a beautiful area of the country, vivid with sprawling forests, each scene punctuated by jagged, gray-brown rocks hanging tenuously over the road. Sarah had left for work and would not be home for hours. It should have ended with an involuntary gasp of water, months ago, but the physical body died much easier, with less struggle and contrition than the spirit which Vincent loved. Or write. He now believed that this was an intrusion into the private thoughts of a woman he barely knew. You're the victim here. Alec took a green banana, peeled it and took a bite. I often wonder how I got to this hillbilly town to begin with. He spotted the flag hidden in the heart of the enemy territory and whispered his plan to Sarah. Sarah stopped, then bent to examine the ground just off the path. Let's give it a shot. This isn't a game to me, Vincent insisted. Vincent made a groan of protest. He was determined to understand what Karen saw between these lines, but further reading that night revealed nothing. As they dove into the code together, Sarah explained her thought process and guided Alex through the refactoring process. What about you? Sell any stocks today? Not yet. He approached the glass wall that separated him from the gorilla habitat, peering in to see the massive si lverback gorilla lounging in the shade. It's probably not fair to criticize his parenting skills when neither of us have kids. When did you want to come up? The sooner the better. But what he saw in Mr. By the time dawn's first light filtered through his window, he had a rough plan in place. His aim was off slightly, and inadvertently his hand slipped into contact with the horn. The hall was dark, light entering only from the open door behind them. You may be right, Stacy, he said. Inside, an expensively decorated parlor greeted the mourners, plush couches and chairs ready for a long wait, and ample standing room for reunited friends and family to grope each other, feeling blindly for sorrow, real or imagined. What's going on? Well. You don't know anything about that animal, Vincent cautioned. He put his arm around her and held her through a long bout of crying. He stopped, smiled warmly, and pointed at Mark. He had no idea what Alec was talking about and for an instant had the thought that Alec's attempts at communication were no more successful than the receptionist's unsettling stare. Blood now dry on his hand, Vincent left the attic. I don't even know what I expected to find there, but I had to do something, so I called a friend and asked him to let me stay at his apartment for a few days. Now, the memories fresh. The sun poured light into the bedroom, bathing the far wall with the heat of the morning. Looks like we have more in common than I thought, Joel said. Honey, you met this woman. Can you tell me what that means? Since this is my last day, can you tell me what Alec was trying to say? Stop being dramatic. Even here in this sanctuary away from the grind of the office, these people were getting together, scribbling their thoughts, planning their next move. Good idea. She saw that the car was blue, or maybe black, but that's all. Vincent tumbled, too weak to yell. Soon he was joined by his wife. Who's going to be there? Vincent asked. She was much shorter than either Vincent or Joel, possibly not taller than five feet three inches. If I'm trying to lift a three-hundred pound box is my strength irrelevant? If I can't do it then I can't do it. Last night, Karen said, I told Vincent that I wanted to get pregnant. I still have moments when I doubt myself, he admitted. She handed him a bottle of water. She turned south on the interstate replaying in her mind the directions to Timothy Scheaffer's apartment. Vincent could not place it. Let's hear it. Hi, Amy, he said. Hi, Amy, he said. Vincent could not remember the last time they held hands, but he felt strangely comfortable with the gesture. It's the only logical thing to do, at least until she finds a job. Joel slowed, rolled down his window, and screamed, Thanks for the hot tip, asshole, at the bewildered attendant who stood in the center of the lot. This is what she needs, he thought. She is intelligent and perceptive. Thanks for the concern, Vincent said. ? Sure, Joel agreed. Alex put on his best suit, his heart pounding with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. In his dream a man tried to speak, his lips moved but instead of words there was a cackle, like a witch in a fairy tale. In order to- What? she said, laughing. I know what you mean. Vincent was unconcerned. Vincent sat down on the edge of his bed, content for now to forget the damage in the room just beyond the wall. She deserves better than you, she said. How to conquer the world in– She stopped. Wouldn't you want loyalty from you husband? Yes, she answered. Unable to cook well himself, he always found the skill remarkable in others. He could not have said with conclusion why he felt happy about leaving his daughter with a man whose morals he disparaged so easily. Inside, she helped her with the buckle of the seat belt. Sorry about the cards. I guess you're right, but she will have trouble adjusting at first. Small town like this pretty much shuts down for the big holidays. It's not your fault. Fehr, she said. But Tim saw nothing and could not have been prepared for what happened next. Veronica was relaxed, skipping ahead of her mother in her exuberance, but Karen still felt some anxiety. Sarah laughed uncontrollably, holding Martha's arm, almost sinking her face to the top of the picnic table. He had no idea what time it was, but dawn, and the warmth of the sun was hours away. Why? Vincent asked. I can't go by and talk to him with that slut living there. There was a pause, during which Sarah unfolded a lawn chair and sat across from Vincent. Vincent relented, turned away to open the door to his truck, but before hoisting himself into the driver's seat, he glanced back for one last look, but the haggard, angular profile was not what he expected to see, and he turned away, not because he did not recognize his friend, Timothy Scheaffer, but because he recognized the man as a shadow of his friend, thin, worn, and tired. Just after one they pulled into the parking lot of a Kroger a few miles from Joel's house. After a few minutes, he found the snippet and integrated it into their code. Alec had stopped and now gestured toward a cluster of ten cubicles. Tim would have a long wait. I graduated, passed my exam. As she sprinted back, flag in hand, the team cheered her on. So when did you meet her? Vincent asked, unable to let go of the issue. Look at this dump. He knew Vincent was gone and that he would not be back today. You're a mistake. Tim opened the door to his car, the inside light snapping into life, then said, Not a problem. She had not fallen into the traps of softness and overeating that so many of her friends had. Look around you, he said, voice elevating. Vincent imagined Tim alone at a day game. Are they legal here? asked Vincent. You sure? Yeah. If there were any repercussions, they were not public. Vincent tried to focus on the wall clock above the sink, but could not. Keep going, Veronica said, shyly. About twenty yards away, a small child, no older than ten, stood on the roof of a blue Caprice, beating the car savagely with a stick slightly less than an inch thick. Had Amy mentioned a second car? For all outward appearances Vincent still lived alone. Oblivious, Vincent opened the table's drawer. Vincent turned to look at Sarah. Can she watch me wherever I go? Of course. I get no credit around here, Jack said. He pulled her away from his body, as if to examine the damage he had done. Did you ever see him again? I mean, before yesterday? Of course, she said quickly. He once again took the child in his arms, and she complacently twined her arms around his neck. Sarah leaned back against the car door and looked at the road in front of her. There was a bit of excitement at work today, she said. Mark wasted no time in launching into his critique. She circled around the block, circumventing Vincent's street. From a drawer near the refrigerator, Vincent got a long, straight edged knife. You communicate fine, though. There's nothing I could do to stop that. I'll ask this guy if he knows anywhere to eat. She turned her head to the other shore, but it was even farther. It should have been easy, then, for him to get into her thought process and find Veronica's birth certificate. What was Mr. Joel picked up a basket from a stack by register one. He selected team members not just for their technical expertis e but also for their potential and their ability to collaborate effectively. He threw his arms and body forward, flopping like a ragdoll through the opening, only to hang motionless, powerless at the threshold of being out of the truck. He looked as if he had been asleep. The beer poured, the two men went into the living room to begin their assessment of the drawer and its contents. These were cold calls and he expected little success if any, but he limited himself to a few hours a week of this type of prospecting, and it had occasionally paid off. She felt a pounding in her temples, and, slowly, a weakness permeated her body. He could close the door on this room and his wife would be gone forever, unable to betray him again, unable the sear his emotions, but tears welled in Vincent's eyes at this thought. I just cashed my final check and left town. On the kitchen table, Sarah had placed a slice of chocolate cake and a large glass of milk. Already he could imagine the waves of pity from her. There are a lot of hotels in the area, so you won't have any trouble getting a room. Twenty miles away, she said. She accepted, never suspecting the complexities that would come with Vincent Fehr. And no we can't just sit here like mannequins. New hobby? I guess so, Vincent said. Vincent carried her to the kitchen, setting her down on the linoleum floor. He unfastened his safety belt and slid toward the passenger side of the car. This space, though unfinished, had allowed for ample storage room, enabling the Fehr's to remain in a house which had long ago grown to small for their needs. The window was gone, a gaping hole. They drove in silence the rest of the way down the mountain, and, sooner then Vincent expected, were then on the interstate headed south. More shadows, more light moved against the wall, but Vincent waited, patiently allowing Amy to ring the doorbell a second and then a third time. We've faced some unforeseen tech nical hurdles, but I'm confident that we can overcome them with the right approach. Anywhere good to eat that may be open today? Vincent asked. He would find out later. It's not possible for her to stay at a hotel until she is earning money. Are you sure you're not hungry? Amy asked. He cursed, weary of the concentration his eyes heavy, then the mist and rain turned to heavy, leaden drops which descended like an army from the sky. I'll definitely remember you next time. I think I deserve it, and today, you are going to deserve it too. The team assembled in the conference room, and Alex led the discussion. Most of the old people who visited the park did not come to this side. It makes him uncomfortable for some reason. Vincent followed, drinking from the bottle of Coors as he walked. I won't have any trouble not apologizing to him. Too young, Vincent guessed, even to buy beer. He held her a calculated amount of time, then released her gently onto the pillow. It's hard to keep track of the new people outside your department. He pulled the storm door open, inserted his key into the lock, turned the freed knob of the deep brown door. Let me decide what to do with Veronica, without worrying how you are going to react. He was about to turn back to his car, retreat to the safety of his own apartment when he heard heavy footsteps thudding down the hall. After all, I live with her. That sounds good, she said. What happened to this so-called Dr. Need any help? Alex hesitated, not wanting to admit his struggles. The poetry anthology looks pretty dry. Behind him, in the parking lot, a man and a woman argued heatedly, the man mostly silent, listening as the woman yelled and gestured with flailing arms. Yes, Vincent said, uncomfortable with the thought of conversation. He was shorter, thinner than Vincent had expected. Then, Christine's dark eyes were upon him suddenly, and Vincent looked away, staring instead at the baroque lamp which hung on the wall, one of many spaced at regular intervals. The children, bored, worn down from the afternoon heat, came back to the house to greet Vincent and Joel at the bottom of the stairs. Sitting in the den, the television yammering away on the other side of the room, no one heard Vincent speak. He had made little progress, the orange lights still fully visible. He hadn't done any work in about a month. She calls my office. I don't know why, but I had to stop. Timothy waited. Descending the small mountain, Vincent had an excellent view of the valley and the other foothills beyond. He hoped she would not, but it was unlike Karen to let anything rest until it had been fully resolved, at least within her own mind. Sometimes I get chased off by the cops. I know I'm still in business. No, Vincent said with a laugh. Karen had persisted, a ghost in his mind, until Vincent had found her hiding place in the attic and exterminated with brute force what remained. She was young, and attractive enough to land a job serving fried cheese to businessmen, who would gather, still uniformed in dark suits and scuffed shoes, for a glimpse of thigh and breast and a drink of beer. Vincent was resolved to explore the entire contents of the desk, reading every letter and note. Didn't we talk about this? Didn't we agree you would keep your mouth shut? Sorry, Joel said, without remorse. Does that happen much? First time. It was if she had not heard. Good, she said. We should go sometime, Vincent said. Say hello to him. Chapter 7: Reckoning with the Past As the project continued to progress, Alex found himself facing a new and unexpected challenge—a reckoning with his past. Hiding from the people you know as if they perpetually carry bad news. She crawled into bed next to him, their faces close together on the pillow. His erasure of the whiteboard had reached the bottom left corner, where Do Not Erase was written in decisive red letters. Is that what you've always taught? he asked. Hours passed before he turned off the interstate onto highway [whatever] and the drive became more difficult. He wandered past the kitchen, back into the living room where he had taken Sarah's phone call earlier. Today she had dressed herself, and done an admirable job, right down to an attempt at tieing her own shoes. He went into the den, turning off lights and the television, then sat under the single reading lamp to exhume what news he could from the afternoon paper, the jaundiced light prematurely aging it's subjects. Carelessly, he watched in his mirror the boy retrieve the ball. But in this house, she sleeps normally. Vincent imagined that nothing around him existed but the house. I know. He appeared to Vincent to be gangly and self-conscious, like a teenage boy waiting at his date's door. Sarah, almost half a foot shorter than Vincent, stretched her toes, reaching upwards to kiss him on the cheek, then, in a single fluid motion, took Veronica from his arms. Why not Sarah? Did she ever call you? No, Sarah said. As he left the conference room, he couldn't shake the feeling that he had taken the first step toward proving himself. We'll let you continue. The neglected grass had all but died in the heat; windows were cracked and broken; both buildings and doors lacked numbers in many cases, one resident - desperate to be found - had carved 3C into the blackened green paint of his front door. Where did you plan to stay? he asked. Veronica did not like the change, but had stopped complaining. More than you need your God damned wife. A guy at work showed me the article in the newspaper. He encountered more challenges, faced setbacks, and navigated office politics, but he remained steadfast in his commitment to success. Follow me to my apartment and we can talk. I'm committed to making this project a success. Hey, Alex, she said with a warm smile, breaking his concentration. Under the weight of this insight, Vincent decided to keep his opinions to himself. Do you want some pizza? A beer? he offered. [show earlier scene with Vincent and Tim talking, Sarah begging him to pick up on the answering machine in the back ground] Following the road, he veered right, a steep drop to his left. He knew the next question would be about his wife, but could think of no way to avoid it. I don't know how much insight it'll offer, but. There's a purpose to my call. Just throw that shit on the floor, Amy said, slamming her own door. The project was now in its final stages, and the pressure was mounting. In the week he had been back from North Carolina he had missed his friend, but, though he had placed repeated calls, no effort to contact Tim had succeeded. Do you have. It was strange that he had no recollection of the event, because Vincent was an avid reader of the newspaper. Vincent left her alone. In the den, he watched television, the usual Sunday night programming of nature documentaries and true-life crime reenactments holding none of his interest. He saw these tiny lights, but not the pale fingers whose motion began the process. Then came a cry for help from the river. He held his frail wife and drew strength from her like a child. He floundered, impotently churning the water under his arms into brine, but not staying above water, and not moving in any direction. Her door shut firmly behind him, Vincent went downstairs to pass the rest of the evening. What brings you all the way down here? He separated himself from her, and took a subtle step backwards in the direction of Vincent. The room was filled with a palpable tension, and the weight of the moment hung heavy in the air. Vincent no longer had to focus his mind in directions away from his final destination; the weaving, climbing, diving road occupied his mind, and when it began to rain, water and grime mixed on the glass to obscure his vision. Liz shut the door behind her, and we didn't - or at least I didn't - hear anything else until Bill left. Vincent wedged his fingers into the opening. Veronica was leaning forward out of her seat, her head just over Vincent's left shoulder. He stalled, wondering if this was the right way. Try it. His only desire was to create a palace, on however flimsy a foundation, and enrich himself in the building of it. So I guess the drive wasn't too bad, she said, taking a seat across from him. Nothing of course. I'm impressed. It seemed like ages since he watched any news and it left him feeling out of touch, separated from current events. You lied to me, she accused. Tiring, she kicked her legs, propelling her close to the boy. A panicked turn of the steering wheel had no effect. Blood from his left hand seeped unnoticed into the aged floorboards. This is where we are now. He then walked abruptly away, beginning his race with time against the coals. Even Mark, who had been the source of tension in the office, couldn't help but crack a smile. It had been so easy to plunge herself into the escape of leaving her home town(USE ACTUAL NAME), but now, severed from her friends and any real support, the obstacles were clear and imposing. Did you and Joel discuss a time frame for bringing Veronica up? No. She gasped for air, getting only water to choke on, but she maintained composure, waiting for the gagging to subside, making sure her head was well above the surface before she again took a breath. I don't expect understanding, Vincent, or even forgiveness. He broke from his guard at the bedside, only to hear the beginnings of a cry from Veronica down the hall behind him, the movement and sound each penetrating the still room at the same instant. Vincent opened the door of his car, the heat of the summer noon almost instantly making him sweat beneath his buttoned and collared shirt. Directly before him, a small wall of boxes rose up to height just over Vincent's head. The canvas stood before him as mocking evidence that he had been wrong; a woman's face looked out at Vincent - the real life subject had seen her child die by fire, but this face looked with anguished terror at a betrayed husband. Works out.